[kyleenjoan]

I have been engaged to my fiance for 3 months now, and we have had a history.
Before we started dating again, I asked him to promise to me to not watch porn and he promised me that. Well, just the other day I went through his internet history on his phone, because I mean what would he have to hide? Well, he was watching porn and we talked about it, but he sees nothing wrong with it. We have sex whenever he wants it, I dont complain. When he watches porn, I get super sad and feel like I’m not good enough. I think of him watching porn as he is cheating, that is what i classify it as.
Well, he wanted me to compromise with him, if he couldn’t watch porn then he got to talk to more girls. Well, I didn’t agree with that, then he said well let me read my adult cartoon’s then. Well, I think he has an addiction to sex and sexual appeal. Even his phone background was a girl with big boobs (an anime). He needs help, and he isn’t admitting that he has a problem. I want to know what everyone else thinks, because I don’t even know if we are togehter anymore, because I am really unhappy about this stuff.
I feel super let down, and I know that I have zero trust for him now, due to him promising then failing to keep it.

I AM SO LOST.
WHAT DO I DO?! 🙁

[kaivethmouse]

Men watch porn. Its a fact of nature, and doesn’t mean that they have an issue with their girl. You need to work on your self-confidence. Chances are, he would rather have you than a pornstar bimbo, and just watches it for motivation while masturbating.

And men masturbate, not just when they are horny, but sometimes when they are bored. It’s just something to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How long have you known each other? How long have you been together?

[kyleenjoan]

I have known him for 3 years, and have been with him for 1 year.
Also, I have talked to many guys about my situation and they think that it is wrong and that he shouldn’t watch porn, especially while being engaged. There are some things in relationships that you just don’t do. We have had a past with him being emotionally abusive and controlling, seems to be going back to that way.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for cluing me in. 🙂

It sounds like you have a problem with any guy watching porn — not just your fiance. Before you even started dating you made him promise you he wouldn’t watch porn. That was a year ago. But he does, and so, now that you’re engaged, you’re trying to control his behavior, and make him be the person you wanted him to be a year ago, when you made him promise not to watch porn. And you’re so concerned about this that you’re policing his phone because you don’t trust him. And I’m sure you don’t like doing that — policing him, not trusting him, or laying down rules.

Here’s what you did do wrong: When you start dating someone, you have to really know yourself and know what’s important to you, and what your deal breakers are. Clearly, the issue of porn is very important to you, and you want to marry someone who’s not that into porn. You also know that lots of men watch porn. Yet, instead of finding out if he’s someone who does watch porn, you extracted a promise from him not to watch it — probably because since you’ve known him for several years prior to dating, you either knew, or had an inkling that he did watch porn. What would have been better would be to find someone who doesn’t watch it or who isn’t that interested in it.

Now, you’re bringing up morality and telling him that what he’s doing is wrong — to control his behavior. 😳 People have different views on watching porn, and whether it’s right or wrong isn’t your problem. The incompatibility on this issue is. 😳 I think that because this issue is so important to you, you’d do better to find someone who is more compatible on this issue, unless of course, you can find a way to understand why he watches it, and not make it such a big deal in your relationship, if in fact, it isn’t.

Hope that helps. 😉

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[kyleenjoan]

You must have misunderstood what I meant.
We have dated in the past, and he was emotionally abusive, and very controlling. I couldn’t even wear mis-matching socks, or wear makeup. So he broke up with me, because he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Then we decided to try again of Jan. 2013(this year), well we tried and then he asked me to marry him on Valentines Day. We were good during that whole period of time, until about a week ago. Before we dated for the last time(January 2013), I made him promise me no porn, because he would always do that last time we were together, and I didn’t like it, especially when I have sex with him whenever he wants it, and I send him pictures(bad, i know). So he promised me no porn, then a few days ago I was on his phone looking up bro-tips and decided to look at his history, and i found a lot of porn, and he broke that promise between us, so now there is like nooooooooooo trust between us nor our relationship.

I was bored at his house, and decided to go on his laptop, and on the main screen was tons of porn pictures, and websites visited. Well, I went to log onto my g-mail, and his was signed in, i saw craiglist emails from girls looking for sex, and then i saw that he mad an ad for sex on craiglist as well…(When we were broken up for the month of Decemeber until January) he was doing that and getting dirty pictures from random girls, and he was trying to hook up with them.

SO, this is why i think he is addicted.

[kaivethmouse]

Um, the question I want to know is, why are you letting this emotionally abusive, controlling man back into your life? You need to get out of that relationship, realize how much you are worth, and find a new guy that treats you right.

Hey, you might even find that ONE man who doesn’t watch porn. I am female, and generally do not approve of porn, but I understand that men watch it even with good/great sex lives. Its the same way that they sometimes check out other women. So, maybe you could accept that some porn is okay – maybe you can’t. But what you should be worried about MORE are the emails about girls, the multiple nudes that might be from real people he has talked to ,and his desire for other women. That should be the reason you have no trust for him, not him watching porn.

Leave, now. There are better men out there. And it really isn’t you. It’s him.

[kyleenjoan]

The beginning made me laugh “ummm the real question!”.
But, because I love him, and he promised me he would get counesling and everything.
He hasn’t done anything he has promised, at all…
And, well those pictures were from when we werent dating, and i dont think anything has happened, but now how can i honestly trust him?
The Steve Wilko show was interested in my story, and they contacted me and contacted my fiance. My fiance hung up on them, because of who it was, and then he texted me freaking out. I just want him to get help! That is all.
I put soooo much faith in him.

NO CLUE WHAT TO DO

[kaivethmouse]

My ex was emotionally abusive & it escalated to physically abusive. He went through anger management and always promised to get counseling, but never did. Someone once told me if a man isn’t actively pursuing counseling or change, they won’t change or benefit from counseling.

He doesn’t seem interested in being the man you want him to be. Please, please, get out. You deserve way better and need to learn that you should never put up with emotional abuse. Abuse is abuse is abuse, and emotional abuse can leave longer lasting scars than some physical abuse.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You want him to get help. We get that. He isn’t going to get help. That’s been proven, now. So, instead of complaining about him and being a victim, the ball is in your court. You get to control your own life 😉 — and you need to stop controlling his by telling him what to do, that he has an addiction, and then snooping through his phone and computer histories to police him. 😕 I know you think that he’s controlling, and he may have been in the past, but right now, you’re trying to control him. 😳 I’m not sure you see it, but you are.

My advice is that you find someone who doesn’t have this issue with porn. You may love him, but loving someone you can’t trust isn’t healthy. That’s not going to lead to love and intimacy. It’s leading to discord, and you’re that discord is going to get worse. You’re not compatible, he doesn’t want to do what you want him to do, so he’s going to lie to you. This isn’t going anywhere healthy or good.

Until you’re willing to understand that if he really does have an addiction, you can’t help him — he has to help himself, you’re going to make yourself crazy — to say nothing of him. 😳

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