[lovebird90]

Hi again! So after i wrote my last topic, i got to thinking and i realized that there’s actually alot more that I wanted to ask about. So first off let me tell you about my relationship with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months now. We’ve had our ups and downs, but it seems like we’ve had alot more downs then we have had ups. But the thing is, it always seems like i’m the one getting mad at him for things. Alot of the time we’ll have plans to go out or do something, but he’ll ‘forget’ about them, and he’ll go out with his friends. He is always spending the night at his friends house, and I really really do not like it. It makes me uncomfortable because everytime they are together, they are constantly getting high, and I hate it. I hate drugs in general, so it kind of annoys me that he does it. although i have raised my concerns to him, i cant full out tell him to stop doing it because it just doesnt seem fair, i don’t want to seem like i’m running his life for him. I just think it’s a little bit immature of him. We’re both only 18, and i know we’re still young but I feel like he should mature.
I’m in university right now, planning on getting a double degree in business finance and accounting and a minor in international business. I’m constantly at school studying, or working, or working out at the gym, or at church. I don’t want to sound conceited, but I feel like i’m doing alot more in my life then he is. He’s still just upgrading his highschool courses, and he’s not even sure if he wants to go to post secondary or not (most likely not). That’s another thing that really bugs me. I’m really big on the whole education thing. If i’m putting so much time effort and dedication into school and my future i want to be with someone who cares that much about his future too. Most of the time, he doesn’t even go to his school. He just stays home and sleeps in because he feels like he’s not benefiting from his school. I don’t know what to do, or what to say to him without sounding like his mother.
I wish i could help him get his life on track. I wish I would show him how important getting an education is and that he really should consider going to a school. I also wish he weren’t with his friends as much.
Also, we have not gone on an actual date in 6 months. (He JUST got a job about a week ago) we’ve gone on a date ONCE. ever since then, we’ve only gone to the movies maybe a couple times, and i’m always the one paying and not him. I don’t want to sounds selfish but I want to feel loved and taken care of sometimes. Even though I pride myself on being independent, It would be really nice if he would just do something for me sometime. I’m always paying for him or buying him little gifts just to show him how much i love him, but he has never done the same thing back for me. It seems like i put the effort in and he just thanks me and that’s about the extent of it. It just doesnt seem fair to me that he cant even treat me to a $2.00 coffee, but he can spend the bit of money that he does have at the bar and on weed.

As bad as it may sound, sometimes i question why I am with him. I’ve met tons of guys at my university who are all determined and hard working like me, and I know I could be with someone like that. am i being completely selfish in all of this, or do I have a reason to be a little bit concerned?

[GPM]

I don’t know if this section is reserved for April only, but I’ll still add my comment. I think it’s pretty obvious that you both have different values and priorities in life. You’ll never be happy with this guy. The things that bother you right now will get worse later on. Just accept the fact that you’re not made for eachother.

[dustin]

dump him. he’s lazy, he doesn’t value you and he’s probably using you. find someone better. given the cheap jerk that this guy is, it won’t be hard. 😉

[AskApril Masini]

Your concerns are all valid. The concern I have is why are aren’t listening to your inner voice? Specifically, “i question why I am with him. I’ve met tons of guys at my university who are all determined and hard working like me, and I know I could be with someone like that.”

It is your job as a woman to look out for your best interests. If you don’t – who do you think is going to? Certainly not this guy!

Frankly, I don’t understand why you aren’t a bit more selfish? Why don’t you feel like you deserve better than this? If you don’t value yourself, you cannot expect that anyone else will.

Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man — and read it. Then, as GPM as accurately stated in their post, get out there and find a man who shares your values and priorities… someone who treats you like he values you.

[lovebird90]

Yeah you’re right and everyone tells me. But alot of the time I really can’t help but feel that it’s really not him, it’s me.

I have this insane jealousy problem as well. Everytime he goes out to a party or a club, or he goes out of town I get REALLY jealous. Sometimes I don’t even think the jealousy is justifiable. For reasons like that, I feel like its my fault and not his. I feel like he’s trying the best he can but I get jealous/angry too easily.

I’m always so afraid of leaving him, because I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of finding out he’s happy without me, or he’s moved on to another girl. I never want to see that happen, so that’s a big reason why I don’t want to let him go. I don’t want to see him move on from me. I think that that’s another way my jealousy shows though. I get jealous of the THOUGHT of another girl being with him!

What do I do? It seems pretty helpless but i feel like i’m stuck in this circle I just can’t get out of….

[myah1]

hi my name is zhanna im so confused okay i been with my man almost 5year it was good we lived to gether then last 2 years we had ups downd fight to much but didnt want to let each other go we love and was use to each other had fun and bad times and he started cheating claimd he didnt but thats life sum times well we broke up in feb7,09 its been like 5 months we been apart and he wont pick up my phone call or any thing but do call out the blue like mothers day and stuff he said he was sick of me fighting with him and we will never be nothing more but friend,but use to really never wanet to let each other go so what do u think is he just taking time and will be back in my life? or thats it?my daughter calld him daddy he loved her like his olne i dont know?and i cry bout it every day he was good man it just took me this long to realize
i dunno what to do

[AskApril Masini]

You know, people can have all the advanced education in the world, and still be insecure. You can have doctorates and PhDs coming out of your ears, but still make bad decisions when it comes to men. If you don’t believe me, read the newspapers, magazines and tabloids, and you’ll see beautiful and successful women being dumped left and right. And you know why? They’re doing what you’re doing.

Your boyfriend is treating you like he just doesn’t care that much about you. It’s pretty clear. You’ve invested a lot in yourself in terms of education, church life, and probably other things, but you haven’t really made it a point to educate yourself about how to be the woman who gets the great guy.

So when you say it’s you and not him, you’re right. Any other woman with your assets would dump this guy, but you’re flunking the course on dating! Instead of buying textbooks, buy my books and read them.

[Ethan Morales]

You’re not being selfish. You’re describing a mismatch in values and effort, and those things matter. Wanting a partner who shows up with time, respect, and shared goals isn’t unreasonable. At 18 you’re allowed to want someone who’s building toward the same future you are, not someone who chronically chooses partying and avoidance over growth.

Quick read of the problem: he flakes on plans, prioritizes friends and drugs, avoids responsibility for his future, and leaves you carrying the emotional and financial labor. That pattern creates resentment and will hollow out the relationship if it continues.

Name the issue once, clearly. Don’t lecture; state facts and feelings. Example: “I love you, but I can’t keep feeling like the only one investing here. When you skip plans and spend nights getting high, it makes me feel unimportant.”

Ask for one specific change and a timeline. Example: “I need us to have one real date a week and for you to cut back on spending nights with those friends. Can you do that for 30 days?” (Put a short, reasonable timeline on it 30 days.)

Set a boundary. If he won’t try, tell him what you’ll do: “If things don’t change in 30 days, I’ll step back because I can’t keep being the only grown-up here.” Say it once don’t nag.

Encourage support, not control. Offer to help him explore job/school options, but don’t become his manager. He has to want it.

Protect yourself emotionally and practically. Keep your social life and studies first. Don’t bankroll or rescue habits you disagree with. If you’re always paying, stop that’s teaching him to take you for granted.

How to read the result: real change looks like consistent action fewer missed plans, fewer all-night sessions with friends, an effort to plan future steps. Words without behavior are meaningless. If he tries and slips, be tolerant but watch the trend. If he refuses or treats the timeline like a joke, that tells you everything.

Bottom line: you deserve someone who meets you halfway. Give him a clear, short chance to change not forever, just now. If he takes it, great. If not, don’t feel guilty for moving on to someone who values hard work and the future as much as you do.

[Marcus king]

You’re not being selfish love, you’re being self-aware. You’ve grown, and he hasn’t caught up. You’re craving effort, stability, and shared direction that’s not too much to ask. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to change. It’s okay to love him, but it’s also okay to admit he may not be the right match for the woman you’re becoming.

[PassionSeeker]

He might just be in a different stage of figuring himself out. Not everyone has clarity at 18, and he may feel intimidated by your drive, which could make him withdraw or act carelessly. If you still love him and want to see if he can grow, you could have an open, calm conversation: explain that you care but need mutual effort, consistency, and respect for your boundaries including how his habits affect you. But be honest with yourself: if he continues showing no growth after that, then love alone isn’t enough.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

girl 😭 no, you’re not selfish, you’re just waking up! you’re building a life, he’s building a cloud of smoke 💨. you’re grinding for a future, he’s forgetting dates and chasing highs. yes you can love someone and still admit they’re not growing with you. you want a teammate, not a project 🫠. don’t dim your drive to babysit his potential, he either levels up or gets left behind. 💅🏻

[Flirt Coach]

You’re not being selfish you’re being honest with yourself. And that’s a good thing. I can tell you’ve got a strong head on your shoulders and a clear sense of where you’re headed. You’re building a future, working hard, staying focused, and that’s something to be proud of. But here’s the tough truth: when you’re walking uphill and the person beside you keeps sitting down, it starts to wear you out.

I’ve been there, in a different way. I once loved someone who didn’t want the same things I did anymore. I kept trying to pull her closer, hoping she’d meet me halfway, but the harder I tried, the heavier it all felt. You can’t drag someone into maturity or motivation it has to come from inside them.

You care about your boyfriend, that’s clear. You’re trying to encourage him without controlling him, which shows you’ve got a good heart. But love alone doesn’t build a steady future. Respect, effort, and shared values do. If he’s ignoring plans, choosing friends and weed over time with you, and not putting effort into your relationship, then your frustration isn’t nagging it’s your instincts speaking.

You’re 18, and that’s not too young to want something real, but it’s also not too late to realize this might not be it. Sometimes love isn’t about fixing someone—it’s about realizing that they’re not ready to meet you where you are. If you keep giving and never feel seen, eventually you’ll start to resent him, and that’s no foundation for love.

You deserve a partner who matches your energy, your ambition, and your care. Someone who lifts you up instead of weighing you down. So don’t feel guilty for wanting more, it’s not selfish to want to be loved the way you give love.

[Isabella Jones]

Reading your story, it feels like you’re carrying the emotional weight of two people, and that’s such an exhausting place to be. You sound like someone who’s driven, focused, and building something solid for your future, while he’s still stuck figuring out who he wants to be. That gap in maturity and ambition can quietly start to drain your heart because love alone doesn’t fill the space left by effort that’s missing.

You’re not being selfish for wanting more. You’re asking for balance — for someone to meet you halfway, to show you the same kind of care and investment you’ve been giving. I’ve been in that kind of relationship before, where I kept trying to “help” a boyfriend grow, thinking love could guide him there. But in the end, I realized that growth can’t be gifted; it has to be chosen. 💛

You can encourage him, but you can’t save him from himself. And if he’s choosing comfort and laziness over the kind of life you’re trying to build, that says more about where he is in his journey than it does about your expectations. Do you think part of you is holding on to the potential of who he could be, rather than who he’s actually showing you he is right now?

[Sally]

I get why you’re feeling this way. You’re not being selfish, you’re just seeing the gap between where you are in life and where he is. You’re working hard, planning for your future, and wanting someone who matches that energy. That’s not asking too much. It’s just wanting a partner who’s growing beside you, not holding you back.

He sounds lost, and maybe he’ll figure things out, but you can’t be his motivation forever. You’ve already tried to help, and it’s okay to want more than potential. Love is supposed to make you feel supported, not drained. It’s not wrong to outgrow someone.

[Natalie Noah]

I can feel how tired your heart is. You’re doing so much for yourself and your future, and he’s doing the bare minimum and that imbalance hurts. And no, you’re not selfish for wanting effort, dates, consistency, or someone who respects your values. Those are basics.

You’re giving everything, he’s giving almost nothing back.
Your priorities (school, growth, future) don’t match his right now.
Your jealousy comes from feeling unsafe and unappreciated, not from you being “crazy.”
You’re scared to leave because you’re scared to be alone, not because the relationship is actually good for you.

What you can do. Tell him how his actions make you feel, calm and clear. “When you cancel plans or disappear, I feel unimportant. I need consistency.”

Set ONE boundary. It can be the drugs, the disappearance, or the lack of effort. “I can’t stay in a relationship where you get high every weekend.”

Give him a short test period (3–4 weeks). Small changes. Real effort. Not just words. If nothing changes, that’s your answer. You deserve a partner who matches your energy not someone you have to raise.

A simple script you can use, “I care about you, but I need effort. I need planned dates, consistency, and less disappearing. If we can’t do that together, I’ll need to rethink things.” You’re not wrong. You’re not dramatic. You’re not selfish. You’re just finally noticing that you deserve more.

[Member]

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