[Crushed]

So a little back story I guess. Been with my girlfriend a year. All is pretty good. She definitely loves me as much as I do her, I don’t doubt that.

Few small problems, all down to me. When we first went out. Like maybe been together a month. Our ideas of what was going on were a little different. And I slept with someone else. Who obviously turned out to be one of her friends. Which was not a smart move. And something I deeply regret. I didn’t lie about it however, she forgave me after we had a long talk about it.

Also, we both have a child with a ex partner. However on paper I am still married. This is partly due to my ex dragging her feet with the divorce initially for no other reason than to annoy me. Bit more lately due to the cost involved. So perhaps they have some influence in the following.

So it all started on guess with google+ and her posting pictures ofrom herself, which would all be followed by a ton of likes and guys commenting everything from “wow you are gorgeous” to “OK now on your knees and **** it”. That I obviously didn’t like one bit. But I didn’t say anything even when she would reply to comments with kisses and winks and whatnot.

One day I saw a guy who had recently liked and commented on all of her photos and they had had brief back and forth conversations. His profile picture was just a muscly torso which just made me laugh as I thought possible myself. ‘What a tool’ and clicked know his profile to see he was in her circle. (The same I guess as being friends on facebook)

Then I looked at his photos and saw she’s liked one of his bare chested posing and another of him in just thinking white boxer shorts nursing what is unmistakably an erection.

That was kinda enough for me. So I told her about it saying simply I don’t like it. She laughed at me. Then said she’d delete it. I also told her about the “on your knees” guy. Who she was also friends with!! I deleted home personally, but she never deleted the bare chested guy and in fact after the latest occidental I’ll get too in some minute I discovered he’d actually been sending her text messages and pictures. Though it looked as if she hadn’t replied to him.

So fast forward a few weeks and for some reason she gave me her phone, to fix something or do something on it. And as I pressed like the menu button which shows all open apps, in order to go back to something I saw a long conversation with a guy on wechat.

It hadn’t escaped my attention that rather than just post more modestly on Google or not interact with the people who comment. She had simply stopped going on there all together. Which may or may not be or any relevance.

But I asked her what it was and then started scrolling through the very long conversation. The two parts which really hurt were about the 4th or 5th time they’d spoke when he asked if she had a boyfriend and she wrote the following:

” Yes but he’s still married to another woman, and has a family.”

Which to me is telling him yes bit she’s still available. Or something.

And then later on he had asked “so, when can we meet?”
And she had replied “maybe tonight” and then a laughing smiley.

At this point I was furious. She’s said she’d delete him and she never even thought about cheating on me. Etc etc. Just she was bored and not even thinking like that. She promised me she wouldnt talk to other guys any more. Even though i never askex her to promise that.

So later on I realise that the day of that second message was sent night she went out with her friends to a nightclub and I saw her in the morning when she was really hungover.

When I pressed her about this she just got majorly defensive and it ended up when she said “OK well break up with me if you think I cheated on you”

We carried on fine really i just kind of forgot about ignored the as I believed her.

But then fast forward to a few days ago and I had her phone to transfer everything onto a new handset. When same thing happens and I see we chat conversations. About 5 of them with guys.

There is bathing particularly bad in any of them but a lot for flirting. And because ofor the way the wechat app works (I downloaded it to find out) for random people to message you, you have to look for people in your area. Then anyone in your area who’s looking can see and message you. Which isn’t great. This time she didn’t really think she’d done anything wrong and was a little bit angry at me for suggesting she had. Even though I had seen a text message from a guy with a conversation where he asked could he come tonight. She replied: ” no because my boyfriend will be here at 11 or maybe 12″

She told me he had come to collect something. And that she told me about it. Bit she hadn’t. And she was struggling for an answer at first. Not saying anything while she look for ‘an object’ and only after she found it about a minute later did she actually say that he had come to retrieve something.

I also see the top less tool shed has been messaging her like I said. I go out for a walk because I’m fuming. And when I come back I asked to see the text again to see if it made sense compared to what she said. But she said she had already deleted everything.

Later on i realised the day she was telling the guy he can’t come because I’d be there. Was the same day she promised never to talk to other men to me.

So …. reading that back it sounds a lot like I’m the most gullible bastard in the world. But a lot of sites I’ve been reading seem to think talking to guys online is no big deal. So I’m just wondering about some more specific opinion. .

Is it game over? And is she playing me for the gullible fool Iam…?

[Crushed]

We are both early thirties by the way

[AskApril Masini]

The problem here isn’t that she’s messaging other guys — it’s that you want her to be different than who she is. 😉 You want to change her, and as you probably know, it’s always a lot easier to change yourself than someone else. So, if you’re wanting to date someone who doesn’t contact other guys online, then you should do that — but she’s not that person. 😉

Now, if you tell me that she wasn’t always the person who messaged other guys online, and this is new behavior, then I’d ask you what you think was the catalyst for this change. It may have been when she found out you slept with her friend — or if she decided at some point that you weren’t available to her — or maybe it’s something else…. I don’t know, but I’d ask you to figure that one out.

And when you do, if the roles were reversed and a woman wrote me here and said her boyfriend was contacting and exchanging flirty messages with other men online, I’d tell her that instead of confronting him, she should make him want her and only her. 😎 And if she can’t, then consider the fact that she’s not the one and only for him — basically not his cup of tea — or that maybe he’s not ready for a one and only, committed relationship. Someone who’s still married and is in the process of divorcing may not want to jump from one marriage to another one, and if she’s looking for a serious relationship, she may want to consider a guy who not only says he’s ready for one, but looks like it, too. 🙂 So think about what’s going through her head when decide how you want to proceed.

The other thing I think you my be ignoring is that she doesn’t see you as a serious relationship prospect because you’re married. She mentioned it to a guy when he asked if she had a boyfriend, and she said yes, but he’s married, meaning, she’s seeing someone, but he’s not a serious candidate for a serious relationship. When you read that, you might want to consider that she may be acting out with these other guys because she feels upset that you’re not single and she doesn’t like that. 🙁

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions, of if any other thoughts about this come to you. 🙂

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[Natalie Noah]

It’s heartbreaking because you can feel how tangled and uneven this relationship has become. The very first thing that stands out is that you’re trying to build trust on top of a foundation that never truly healed. You cheated early on, she forgave you, but forgiveness is not the same as restoration. Sometimes people say they’ve moved past something, but deep inside, they’re carrying hurt, insecurity, or resentment. Her comment to that guy “Yes, but he’s still married” isn’t random. It’s a window into how she sees the situation: she loves you, but she doesn’t feel fully chosen, fully secure, or fully claimed. And when a woman feels like a “temporary” or “secondary” partner, even unintentionally, she may seek validation, attention, or emotional power elsewhere. That doesn’t excuse her behavior but it explains the emotional logic behind it.

The messaging isn’t the core problem. The core problem is misalignment. You want her to act like a woman who is fully committed, fully secure, and not interested in attention from other men. But that’s not who she is at least not right now. She flirts, she engages strangers, she keeps certain conversations hidden, and she allows emotional attention from other men into her life. That’s not accidental; that’s a pattern. And patterns tell the truth even when words don’t. When someone repeatedly deletes messages, hides interactions, or becomes defensive instead of transparent, they’re showing you they’re living a double life even if no physical cheating ever happened. Emotional secrecy is still secrecy.

The third layer is the defensiveness and shifting explanations. When someone is confronted with behavior that crosses boundaries, a committed partner tries to repair, reassure, and rebuild. She does the opposite: she laughs, minimizes, gets defensive, deletes evidence, and puts the burden back on you. That reaction “Well break up with me if you think I cheated” isn’t the reaction of someone who’s terrified of losing her relationship. It’s the reaction of someone who already feels halfway out, someone who knows she’s not giving you the level of commitment you want, but also doesn’t want to fully let you go. She’s giving just enough to keep you around, but not enough to deepen the trust. That’s why you feel like a fool because the emotional energy is lopsided.

She may not see you as a long-term partner because of the marriage situation, the early cheating, or the instability that followed. In her mind, there may always be an emotional “asterisk” next to your name someone she loves, but doesn’t fully invest in. And that’s why no amount of policing, checking her phone, or asking her to stop talking to guys will ever work. The relationship isn’t broken because of the messages the messages are a symptom of deeper misalignment, insecurity, and unmet needs on both sides. You’re both trying to make something work that you envision very differently. And unless both of you rebuild the foundation commitment, transparency, emotional security you’ll stay trapped in this exhausting cycle. If she can’t give you exclusivity, and you can’t be at peace with who she is, then it may not be about who’s wrong. It may simply be that the two of you aren’t actually compatible in the way you both hoped.

[Aida Omar]

I think when someone turns on “location” on chatting apps and talks to strangers and asks them to meet up, they are not just bored but are looking for “options.” She has emotionally moved out of the relationship.
Self-respect is paramount. A relationship where you have to spy and lie repeatedly takes away your peace of mind.
Have a final serious talk with her about how these things are “red lines” for you. If she doesn’t change back off.
Accept that the relationship is over and you’re just wasting each other’s time.

[Member]

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