[qwerty]

I’m a 37 year old man. About 6 months ago, I broke up with my gf. We had been together for almost 6 years, and the truth of the matter is that we still love each other, but as a relationship it just could not progress for various reasons (which I won’t bore you with now, unless you feel it’s relevant. I will just say that it didn’t involve any cheating, abuse, or anything like that, and it was an amicable, though incredibly sad, parting for both of us.)

For about 3-4 months, I really made no attempt to move on. A part of me kept hoping that maybe things could work out between us– despite the fact that we had cut off contact– and that we could go back to what we once had. In fact, a couple of months ago we started talking again over the phone, and we even both got a bit flirtatious at times. We also went for dinner once (not romantic), and had a really nice time together. But she’s pulled back again now, and reality is setting in for me that, in all likelihood, we’re not going to go back to being a couple.

So I decided maybe it would do me good to get out there and start meeting new people, which I did, and I actually managed to go on some casual dates, but when I get home from those dates, I actually find myself feeling myself feeling slightly MORE depressed because I feel like I’m officially closing the door on the relationship I had with my ex, and I also find myself comparing these dates to my ex (and I’m doing a great job of seeing the past through rose-colored glasses by comparing them to only her BEST aspects, and conveniently forgetting about why we ended things in the first place.) There’s also a part of me that almost feels like I’m cheating, which I know is absurd since we’re broken up, but after being with one person for six years, it just feels really odd to be out with anyone else.

One thing I should mention is that I know that most people my age have gone through many relationships and break-ups already, but I never really dated much at all before meeting this woman. And she was the first and only woman that I’ve ever had a real relationship with (rather than just one or two dates), so this break up is very new territory for me, and I’m not having an easy time handling it.

So I guess my question is two-fold:

1. Is 6 months simply too soon to get back into the dating world after being in a relationship for 6 years? If so, what is a healthy time frame?

2. If you don’t think it is too soon to be dating again, then what suggestions would you offer to help me focus on the here & now, rather than constantly living in the past?

Thank you very much.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think it’s too soon for you to get back out there and start dating, but I think you have to go easy on yourself and give yourself time to move on. You’re not going to immediately replace the relationship you had. You may never replace it, but you will meet someone you love in a different and even better way.

If you’re focusing on the past instead of the present, then make your present more interesting. 😉 Switch things up starting with yourself, and then your environment and finally your activities. Get a new haircut and make over your wardrobe. Paint a wall in your living room and move the furniture around. Get rid of your old playlist and record a new one. Take up a new sport and have a party with half old friends and half new folks you don’t know that well, but would like to. Stay busy — with things you enjoy and things that expand your mind and your spirit — not just things to kill time.

You WILL get over your ex and you will become more evolved as a result, but it’s not going to happen overnight, and you’re expecting a time table that isn’t realistic. Yes, get out there and put yourself in situations where you’ll have fun — but be open to the fact that it’s going to take as long as it takes for you to move on.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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