[fearless12]

First off April, I want to say that I miss my ex girlfriend dearly. We dated for over 4 years, were extremely close and had something very special. I was very close with her family and she was very close with mine. I am 23 years old and it was understood by everyone in our social circle that we were made for eachother and sure to get married in the future.

We broke up in October. I broke up with her. Not to make excuses but I have a problem with impulsivity. Also, I have a problem digesting alcohol. I was drinking heavily and it was strongly affecting my psychological state for even days after I had stopped. I am not dismissing my responsibility for my actions. Simply letting you know that I was not myself. I did not know any of this at the time and I am currently being treated for it.

I was away for a week with friends in October. The people I were hanging around with were bad influences on me as they were heavily involved with drugs and drinking. My ex was aware of this. At the same time, I thought I had feelings for another girl that was on this trip. I did not cheat on my ex girlfriend but I admitted my feelings to her about this girl. When I returned I broke up with her because I thought I would be happier with a new life, a single life that would allow me to be more free. She was devastated to say the least. She knew I was going down a path she couldn’t follow and acted like she didn’t even know me anymore. Now that I reflect, I can not blame her. We talked the next few days, we were friendly but I stuck by my decision.

The first thing she mentioned to me when I broke up with her and told her I had feelings for another girl (which I actually didn’t, it was all in ‘the conquest’ of attracting another female – ridiculous and immature I know) was that “Every man in my life has let me down”. I know that her first boyfriend cheated on her and her father was rarely there for her. Also she told me about some abusive relationships once that her mother had experienced after the divorce with her father.

In the next week it suddenly struck me what a mistake I had made. I tried desperately to get back with her but she wasn’t having it. She had told me to leave her alone for a while as she would only grow more resentful. After about a month I tried contacting her again and she told me she wants to stay away from me. She also mentioned that we could not be friends. However she told me I will always have a special place in her heart. I took this very hard. Like I said, I was drinking heavily and alcohol affects me harder than the average person. Not to mention my predisposition for impulsive behavior. I was 120% depressed and acting extremely emotional and irrational. Over the next few months I would randomly text her ridiculous things that I’m certain only pushed her further away. Of course by about February, she stopped responding to my messages.

By about March, I sought to see my psychiatrist again (who I used to see years ago for ADHD). I resumed treatment for ADHD and was told to stop drinking. Once I stopped drinking I gained a whole new perspective. It was then that I realized what a debilitating affect alcohol had over me. I realized what a fool I had been . I took this new found life to make something of myself and grow. I got back in shape and made stronger relationships with my family and God.

I wrote to her in April. I missed her so much and I know deep down she misses me but is angry with me. For the first time I had a realistic understanding of the situation. I wrote to her apologizing and that I am learning to forgive myself as well. (Although the guilt that I have still haunts me – and has created a ton of anxiety, lack of self esteem as I am constantly riddled with self doubt). I told her I was writing to her with no intentions and I will not write to her again. I simply wanted to let her know where I’ve been and that I still miss her. I did not hear back from her.

Throughout the summer life went on. I assumed it was time to move on, as hard as it was. However, and this is important… I couldn’t fully move on. Something deep down inside of me is telling me we will get back together. It’s extremely odd. Now I don’t know if it’s part of the whole conquest thing but I really know I love this girl. I think about her every day and she is in my dreams every night. It’s an odd type of certainty

Oddly enough and this where it gets interesting, my Mom ran into her sister a few weeks ago. It was totally random. She had recognized the face and as soon as she learned her sister’s maiden name she instantly introduced herself as her sister’s ex boyfriend’s mom. She was shocked and said how much she and my ex’s family missed me but added that my ex girlfriend refuses to talk about me still. The sister mentioned that just this past weekend her mother had said “wow I miss ‘me'” to my ex gf. She simply ignored her refusing to talk.

The sister also added that my ex hasn’t been as happy as she used to be. All she does now is work like crazy. She hasn’t been dating. She thinks its because she really misses me and is unhappy. I ended up calling her sister and talked to her for a few minutes. It was nice to catch up. She told me where my ex was working and when a good time to visit her at home would be.

The sisters are close by the way and are neighbors.

April, this is where I need your help. What is going through this girls mind? Clearly she is still pissed at me but maybe still hasn’t moved on. It’s been almost a year.

Would going to her house to try to talk be wise? Would sending her another message (maybe online this time) to try to reestablish a friendship be a better idea? Or should I give it more time?

Thanks for reading and I greatly appreciate your advice.

[AskApril Masini]

It’s never a good idea to be friends with an ex. 🙁 One person always likes the other more, and that creates confusion — in fact in your case, specifically, you’d be befriending your ex in hopes of dating her again. It’s not very honest, and it’s not a good idea. It’s much better to straight with her.

It sounds like she was very hurt and hasn’t gotten over the breakup and what she sees as a betrayal. That she feels you are one in a line of men that have let her down isn’t going to help her get over this quickly. My advice is to wait and not push her. You can send her something cute around Halloween — maybe a pumpkin or some some orange flowers with a note that says you’re missing her. And you can contact her around the holidays and see if she’ll go out with you on a date.

In the meantime, make sure you stay on a healthy path. Your change in behavior is going to be crucial in her giving you a second chance, if she ever does.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[fearless12]

Well Thank you April

Sadly, I ran into her tonight at a bar. She pretended like she didn’t see me even thought we both knew we did

I tapped her on the shoulder. She appeared surprised. I said Hi with a smile on my face and she hugged me.

I kept a poker face while she was uncomfortably smiling. She seemed very awkward and uncofmfortable. I told her she looked good and she said the same. I asked her if she wanted to talk and catch up. She seemed shocked and said why. I told her I could tell you why if we were alone, and not in front of our friends.

She said no I don’t want to, tell me why here. I said Okay fine, I’ve been missing you. Let’s catch up.

She said no she didn’t want to. I said okay, smiled, and walked away with my chin held high. Just thought you’d like to know

[AskApril Masini]

Thank you for keeping me up to date. 🙂 My last piece of advice to you stands: It’s over. Move on. She’s not interested at all in a reconciliation and each time you contact her, she’s giving you the same, consistent message. 😳 Friendship with her is not in the cards. 🙁

You’ll be a lot happier if you accept what happened, understand your part in the process and the outcome, and learn from this experience to make your next relationship better than the last one. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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