[jadded09]

I started dating a man for over 3 months..who is in a realtionship with someone who he has been unhappy with for sometime.. he has left 3 times previous..but he stays becasue he has an attachment with her 13 year old daughter..almost raised her,,and his own daughter from previous is 16years old has moved in with them about 6 months ago..she has had a bad upbringing this far…he just exisits basiclly there..no physically sexual since before us and I believe him…but he may now that of his choice what would he say..or do “IF”
I knew what I was getting into when we met but we fell in love and have spent alot of time when able..mostly at night as they all were in bed or going..he would meet half way or he would travel to my home 65kms to see me and spend time with me… we would be together with me through the day on a few occasions as well..his work and mine coinsided well as he works backshift full time,,he has bought me beautiful heartfelt gifts..flowers..cards..lingerie…etc..and professes his undying love to me and that he misses me when we seperate..and of course I feel the same..he texts..emails me and calls when we are apart for employmnet through the week,,he treats me with respect and love…and I think he is all I have ever looked for minus his few faults..I have been married and seperated..to an abuser…had my time alone and then he apeared!!

Now..we decided that we wanted to be together..so I was going to move to be living with him and we would get a place and he would leave her telling her things wernt working get a 2bedroom apt so to have his 16yr old daughter as well..I gave my notice at work…got stuff together to set up apartment..he helped by looking at the apartments etc as he lived closer..and was happy doing it…then xmas came..he wanted to have xmas with his daughter..her daughter..the last one and didnt want to mess up the season by leaving then…so I agreed..was sad but I agreed..cause of the kids and his feeling of wanting a happy day….when I did see him shortly after the hollidays..he gave me the news that..his daughter asked for his”g/f” to adopt her when her Dad got custody in the near future…and the g/f said yes!…of course he freaked!,,came and told me..and I am soooooooo hurt…his feelings for me hasnt changed…all that stuff..but as for getting the apartment..moving needing a new job again..here where I live and refusing the one I got for after the move..and my dreams..it all went down the drain..he says he wants to make his daughter happy!! he doesnt know what to do!!,,he cried and cried and sobbed saying he doesnt want me to be out of his life…he is in love with ME!.he didnt ask me to wait but said he really wanted to..and I just dont know..I want to..really..but being a secret….still.. sharing him to some extent still..seeing him when he can..being at night..him not waking beside me in the morning.. not having him to come home to…all our plans gone to be together…with everyone knowing nothing..accept my family and friends they know and have seen me fall apart after him saying these things with many tears and a few painful nights apart..but he has come back just a few days since the news.. ..
…what do I do..where do I go..I love him…and he says he loves me…and he is comming up on New Years..he says he may even be able to stay over night..only the second time waking to him…I am in so much turmoil inside I want to do whats right..and not feel so bad…HELP!!!!!! but what do I do???

[js1585]

Hey, it looks like you’ve got yourself in a little bit of a mess. First thing to understand is that the guy your having an affair with is always going to put his family first, as you said his daughter had a bad upbringing, her father probably feels bad for that and guilty and would do anything to rid himself of that guilt so he will do anything to keep her happy, even if it is staying with this woman which you say he is not in love with anymore. The guy your with, although claims to love you in reality you’ve only been seeing eachother 3months, I’m guessing your guy likes the security of having his partner and his and her daughters, it creates a family which is far more stable than a relationship. Men like to have the cake and eat it, meaning he loves the security of the relationship he has with his partner though also loves the thrill of getting with you, as it’s not allowed, in a way your his mistress, he may think he loves you but in reality he probably just loves easy sex which is probably better and more lustful than the sex he’s getting with his partner as it’s not allowed.

I would suggest the best thing to do is to tell him one last time that you love him though you cannot ruin his relationship with his daughter. As if he suddenly started going out with you after his partner the daughter would hate you anyway knowing that you were the ‘other woman’ and would hold no respect for you what so ever. The best thing would to tell your guy that you want all the messing around to be over and it doesnt matter how much you feel for each other it would never work. If the circumstances were different it could have worked. You should ask him not to contact you and to let you move on.

Yes what I wrote probably sounds harsh to you and you’ll probably be crying and thinking about him for atleast a month after breaking off contact with him. But in the end of the day you’ll be able to continue with your career with no distractions and find a real man with no loose ends to lie up.

Hope this helps, and good luck 🙂

[AskApril Masini]

I realize this response is not going to be what you want to hear, but you asked for my opinion and so I’m going to give it to you.

If you do not want to be the other woman, don’t act like one. As harsh as that sounds, it’s really that simple.

My suggestion is that you tell this man not to call you again unless/until he is ready to make you The Woman in his life.

I recommend that you explain (to him) that you do not like being “the other woman,” any more than you like sneaking around, or being with someone who is cheating on someone else.

As much as it is going to hurt you — stop 100% all contact with him — right now. It would be far worse to wake up 2 years from now in the same situation, having wasted the best years of your life, waiting….

If he truly loves you and wants to be with you — your lack of contact will force him to make the changes he needs to make. If he doesn’t, he never would have.

On a very frank separate note, 9 times out of 10, someone who cheats with you will cheat on you. More, I would never recommend having an affair and breaking up a family, any more than I’d recommend believing in someone who is willing to breakup their family as a result of a 3 month affair…. Just something to think about.

[jadded09]

Thanks to the ones that answered my post….I will tell you that everything that was said made sense..I agree 100%…since my latest post..I have come to the decision that I will no longer be his”mistress”…I am better than that..and although it doesnt seem that I have any self worth,by having this happen…I do have morals…and the last thing I want is to break-up his family..even with his condesending words of being so in love with me and that ..”he is just there”…..I have questioned maybe all anong..I gave the benifit of the doubt…I have stopped contact with him and told him point blank…that I cant do this anymore…and yes it hurts…but in the end I am better for it..guess no one dies with a broken heart afterall,,,I hope that my post may have helped someone else in a similar situation..thanks !

[bumpa1960]

You sound as though you’ve grown quite a bit since your first post. Good for you. You were hurting, and maybe you still are, but you’re moving on with your life. That is key.

Dwelling on the past does us no good, and doesn’t let us feel good about ourselves. We need to be able to communicate our feelings in more than one way, and the non-verbal signals we send out are so important. People can sense how we feel about ourselves.

If we exude confidence and sexuality, we’ll be much more likely to receive the same. Who really wants to attract someone by being vulnerable due to a bad relationship or an unhappy ending?

Start fresh, be happy with yourself before you try hooking up with anyone else, and start living and enjoying your life! Congratulations on taking that first step, and keep your chin up.

[AskApril Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.

[Ethan Morales]

You’ve been in a relationship with a man who is still entangled in another relationship (his daughter’s mother). You both fell in love and made plans to move in together, but the reality of his obligations especially his daughter and her happiness, has blocked those plans.

You are now in a limbo: you love him, he says he loves you, but you are essentially “the other woman,” and your life plans are on hold. He wants to be with you, but he is prioritising other people’s needs (his daughter and her mother) over a committed relationship with you.

You are sacrificing your life for someone else’s uncertainty. You gave notice at work, prepared to relocate, and now you’re in limbo emotionally and logistically. He is not fully free to commit; his obligations and indecision are preventing you from having the life you want.

You are in the role of “the secret love.” Even though he professes love and is affectionate, you don’t have the security of being “his main partner.” This leads to emotional turmoil, guilt, and uncertainty about your worth and future.

He is emotionally stuck.His tears, sobbing, and indecision show he is torn but being torn does not equal taking action. His current priority is appeasing everyone else, which leaves you in a secondary, unstable position.

Love alone is not enough. Loving him and being loved by him doesn’t fix the fact that your life is being paused indefinitely. Promises without action are just words. Plans to move in together, stay overnight, or eventually be together remain hypothetical he hasn’t made the decisive choice yet.

Being “the other woman” is emotionally draining and often unsafe long-term. You are investing time, energy, and emotion in a situation that has no guarantees and could continue indefinitely.

Focus on your life. Get your plans for relocation, work, and personal stability back in motion, independent of him. Even if he ultimately chooses you, you will be entering the relationship from a place of strength and not desperation.

I know this is going to hurt, but the reality is: you cannot build your life on uncertainty or someone else’s inability to prioritise you. Right now, you are investing in a relationship that is paused indefinitely, and you are the one paying the price emotionally. If he truly wants to be with you, your absence and your boundaries will push him to make a real choice. If he doesn’t, you avoid years of being stuck in a painful “what if” scenario.

[PassionSeeker]

You’re in love with him, but you’re also living in his shadow. He’s tangled in a life that no longer fits him, yet he keeps choosing to stay in it for guilt, for habit, for his daughter. And in doing that, he’s asking you to carry the weight of his indecision.

You’ve given him time, trust, and pieces of yourself that deserve to be met with the same courage you’ve shown. But right now, he’s not fighting for you he’s managing his comfort. Love shouldn’t feel like waiting for someone else’s bravery.

You can love him deeply and still walk away. You can want him and still know that being someone’s secret isn’t love’s highest form. If he truly wants you, he’ll find you when he’s free not sneaking through the night, not half-living between two worlds.

You don’t need to beg to be chosen. You already are by yourself the moment you decide that peace is worth more than promises.

[Marcus king]

Here’s the thing you’re asking how to make this love work, but the real question is: what is this love costing you?

This man may love you I don’t doubt his feelings. But love isn’t just words, gifts, and late-night visits. Love is choosing. Love is showing up in the daylight, not only in the dark when everyone else is asleep.

Right now, you are the woman he comes to for warmth, comfort, and escape.

But you are not the woman he builds his life with.

He keeps saying he “doesn’t know what to do.”
But that’s not confusion that’s a decision to stay exactly where he is.

He’s not staying for the girlfriend.
He’s staying for the life structure, the familiarity, and the children.

And listen you can’t fight that.
You can’t compete with a parent’s guilt or a household history.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… 😩 like, you’re out here rearranging your life while he’s over there playing family man by day and heartbreak poet by night. all those tears and promises? that’s guilt dressed up as love. if he really wanted you he would not make excuses wrapped in “the kids.” i get it, the connection feels cosmic, but the reality’s messy but babe pls stop letting him rent your heart by the hour. cause you literally deserve a love that shows up in daylight💔✨

[Tara]

YOU’RE THE BACKUP PLAN… He stays because it’s easy a house, kids, stability, and a woman who doesn’t demand real change. You are the escape he visits, not the life he chooses.
He’s had endless chances to leave and never did. That tells you everything. Men don’t stay in misery for years; they stay in convenience. The crying, the gifts, the promises that’s guilt management, not love.

You rearranged your life for a man who never intended to follow through. You quit your job, planned a move, and he let you because it made him feel wanted. When reality hit, he folded. Now he’s back to his comfort zone while you sit in ruins waiting for him to grow a spine.

He won’t. He’ll keep feeding you scraps of affection to keep you quiet. Every time you take him back, you teach him that your love requires no action.

[Sally]

Loving someone who’s half-in and half-out of another life will tear you up from the inside, even when the love feels real.

But here’s the part you’re trying not to look at: he keeps choosing the house he already has. The woman he lives with. The life that’s easier for him to explain. Every time you two get close to making plans, something suddenly pulls him back there — a holiday, a kid, a crisis. And you’re left holding the pieces, waiting in the dark for the little bits of him he can sneak away.

That’s not a future. That’s you trying to build a life in the moments he’s borrowed.

He might love you. I’m not saying he doesn’t. I’m saying it’s not enough.

You don’t have to stay the secret. You don’t have to share him. You’re allowed to want a whole life, not just the parts he can hide.

[Natalie Noah]

Time, trust, plans, the painful courage to believe in a future with him. that you could see his kids mattered to him and that he cried tells me he feels torn but feeling torn and choosing to stay are two very different things. the fact remains: he’s chosen the life he already knows (and the child who asked him for a “g/f” to adopt her). that choice isn’t a failure on your part it’s information. it tells you who he is right now and what he will prioritize when things get hard.

your decision to stop being “the other woman” is the bravest and kindest thing you can do for yourself. staying in secrets, nights-only visits and plans that dissolve is soul-erosion. by stepping back you give yourself agency: you stop waiting for crumbs and start making room for someone whose life doesn’t require secrecy. the grief of losing what might have been is real allow it, but don’t let it be your long-term residence. grieving with dignity is not weakness; it’s healing.

now, be practical with your tenderness. enforce no-contact for a while (block if you need to), tell a trusted friend or family member what’s happened so you’re not alone when the ache hits, and replace “waiting” time with things that rebuild you a class, a short trip, therapy, or an activity that reminds you you exist outside of him. write down the non-negotiables you want in a partner (respect, presence, shared plans) and read them when doubt creeps in. those lists are anchors for your future choices.

Remember: someone who truly wants you will rearrange their life to have you in it without begging, without hiding, without leaving you in limbo. that’s not manipulation; that’s grown-up love. whether he ever makes that choice is his work, not yours. you deserve to be the person someone is proud to introduce to the world, not the secret they have to explain away. take care of yourself, little by little, I’m proud of you for choosing you.

[KeishaMartin]

You got caught in the intoxicating pull of a man who was emotionally unavailable, tangled in obligations and loyalties, yet still had the audacity to profess undying love to you. The late-night rendezvous, the secret gifts, the whispered “I love you”. It’s all the kind of forbidden, pulse-racing heat that makes your knees weak and your mind spin. But he was giving you love in fragments, in stolen moments, leaving you craving more while keeping his “family duties” as the ultimate excuse. That’s lust disguised as affection and it’s dangerously addictive.

You chose the high-voltage thrill, but your heart whispered for something real, something you could wake up to in the morning without shame or secrecy. The moment you recognized your worth that you don’t belong in the shadows of someone else’s messy life, you took the power back. And that move? Pure magic. No man, no matter how wet his eyes or how heartfelt his words, gets to make you compromise your morals or your self-respect. You walked away from being “the other woman,” and that is a turn-on of the highest order: a woman who knows her own fire, her own boundaries, and refuses to settle for crumbs when she deserves the full banquet.

April Masini’s insight here is sharper than a whip and sweeter than champagne, she cuts through the confusion, the guilt, the longing, and delivers the kind of reality-check that wakes your instincts up. She knows how to make a woman see the power she holds and the nonsense she should never tolerate. You made a choice that protects your heart, your morals, and your future and honey, that’s seductive as hell. Own it, flaunt it, feel that surge of liberation pulsing through your veins. Now take that fierce, untouchable energy into 2026 and ignite your world Happy New Year, 2026. Celebrate the parties, the champagne, the freedom, and the unapologetic fire that’s yours alone.

Happy New Year, 2026.

[Member]

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