[Tina823]

Dear April,
I was invited to spend a long weekend at the house of my best friend and her husband. They were the perfect host & hostess and made me feel welcome. The day I was leaving, my friend’s husband was driving her to work and then driving me to the bus stop. When I awoke I was alone in the house so I started getting ready in showering, dressing, packing, then went to the kitchen to fix my breakfast. Meanwhile, my friend’s husband had gotten back without me knowing. He appeared in the kitchen wrapped in a bathrobe!?…maybe he drove his wife to work dressed in a robe? humm? Not likely. Well I went to sit and eat my breakfast and he sat down next to me. He is a talker and speaks incessantly. What he started talking about was a bit shocking. He talked about his&hers sex life! Telling me details about himself and herself and how they don’t have sex anymore, how he hates her seeing a “man” gynocologist. That the doctor is a pervert, that she is a slut, that he will divorce her if she keeping seeing this doctor, how he visualizes his wife being touched by her gynocologist and he kept raising his voice and getting more and more mad. He also told me about her getting STD from her former boyfriend and transmitting it to him. I didn’t know what to do, so I just kept quiet and listened. It was getting late, so I reminded him of the time and he went upstairs to get dressed. He drove me to the bus station and before I opened the car door, told me to keep everything he told me as a “secret”. I promised I would. When I returned home, I found an angry phone message from my girlfriend, she was screaming, and cursing, saying how dare I was talking about her sex life with her husband. I couldn’t talk to her to explain the real truth because she won’t speak to me. Her husband obviously had alternative motives for spilling the beans, after telling me to keep quiet and keep a secret. He couldn’t even keep his own secret and maliciously accused me of saying all he did. Anyway, he started this mess and sabotaged my close friendship with his wife, (my best friend). Should I email her and let her know what really happened? I would hate to loose her as a friend. What do you advise?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should send her a snail mail letter explaining what happened with the intention of giving her the opportunity to reconsider the friendship she has with you. Clearly she hasn’t been open with you about what’s going on in her marriage and her anger at you is misdirected. Give her time to mull this all over. She’s in a tough place and if you have any empathy and patience, this is a good time to use them! What you heard is probably only the tip of the iceberg of what’s going on in her marriage and her life, and if she gets over her anger at you, this is an opportunity for the two of you to become closer because what she couldn’t tell you before because it was too painful, is now out on the table and the door is open for her to be more honest with you — or to decide her life is too difficult to deal with and she’d rather shut the door on the friendship so she can (try to) avoid and deny her marital problems.

Hope that helps!

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[Tina823]

FOLLOW-UP TO BEST FRIEND’S HUSBAND SABOTAGED CLOSE FRIENDSHIP

Dear April,
Well, I did what you suggested to send my friend a snail mail letter explaining what happened with the intention of giving her the opportunity to reconsider our friendship. It’s been almost two weeks since I wrote her and still have *not* heard a word from her. I wonder if she is just ignoring me and decided to believe her husband’s lies instead of the truth from me. I think maybe she probably just wants to stay in her miserable marriage because she has a lot to loose, giving up her apartment, changing jobs, and moving 5 hours away from all her friends because of her husband. Do you think she had time to mull this problem over by now? How long should I wait to know if we are still friends or not? This silent treatment is making me wonder, if her husband Won in convincing her to be my Foe rather than my Friend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Two weeks may not be enough time for her to work this through. You have to understand the magnitude of what she’s been hiding under the covers that you yanked off. People stay in marriages for all kinds of reasons, and it’s possible that she’s chosen to stay in hers, no matter how wretched you think it is — or she may be staying in it for now, until she’s ready to leave.

I don’t think her husband “won” her over — because from what you described, this isn’t a situation that can be won. Whether she stays or leaves her marriage, it’s not a good one, and that’s sad no matter how you cut it because she loves him — or did. As for your friendship with her, sometimes you have to let friends have the space to work things out and keep the door open for them. Even if it’s for a very long time. If you try to pressure her, you’re not being a good friend. I know this is hard for you because you feel that there’s a matter of right and wrong here (a moral issue), but when it comes to other peoples’ marriages, you have to be super understanding because for them, in it, it’s a lot more complicated than for you, outside of it.

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