[Pinkangel]

Really in need of someone to talk to. I feel so bad right now after finding out i’ve been being lied to for the past 6 months by the guy i had been dating. Things started out good but the past month or so didn’t feel right. He is an otr trucker so he’s gone a lot. We’ve gone out of town a few times, dated, etc. i had bought us tickets to a show last month & he said he could go. I gave him s months notice. Well he cancelled and said he had to work but turns out he was with another woman & her family. I confronted him and at first he denied even knowing the woman until i told him there were pics on facebook posted on the same day of the show we were supposed to be at. I’m not on facebook but i know his brother is so i set up a fake profile just to browse his brothers page. I looked at his friends list and saw the womans page and she had several pics of herself with the guy i was dating so it looks like they’ve been together for sometime at least since last year and on our very first date he said he’d been single a year…LIE! I also think he’s engaged to her. I asked about that and he said there was an engagement but not anymore. Said i was jumping to conclusions and its not what i think. Said he was sorry & should’ve told me he was going to her family thing. Made seem as if she’s just a friend. Said he was beating himself up about this and felt he needed help and to talk to someone. Sorry but i also felt this was bull also and that he was only sorry i cauggt him. He lied about his whereabouts! But why do i feel so bad as if i was wrong!?? His entire demeanor changed after that. I haven’t heard from him in weeks now. I also found out he had an online dating profile. I can see he hasn’t been on that in weeks now either. So i guess shouldn’t feel this way but why do i feel like she’s the lucky one? Like he’s now going to be this better person for her since he stopped talking to me and hasn’t been online and changed his number? My friends think I’m ridiculous for thinking this way but am i? In the last few weeks i’ve found out his track record with women hasn’t been good, he’s barely in his kids lives. He seems to be a compulsive liar and I should feel lucky to be free but I feel like he won and its tearing me up!!!! Any advice?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry you’re hurt. 🙁 I think anyone who was dating a guy for six months and found out he’d been cheating, would be hurt. So let’s move forward — and maybe I can help you do that. 😀

First of all, I’m not sure how you met this guy, so let me know when you write back, as well as your age. But… if you meet in person and you have friends in common, that’s a really good way to sort of get references for him, so you’re not on your own “vetting” him for the truth. When you have people in common, whether they’re friends, cousins, classmates, or work colleagues, you’ve got cross checks on him and you can find out things about him that you can’t if you’ve met him online.

Second, if you do meet a guy on line, and you don’t have people in common, you have to work a little harder to find out about him, as well as double checking things — for instance, if you never get invited to his home, there’s probably a reason — like a girlfriend or a wife. And without grilling him, find out about his past relationships and his relationships with his kids. I know you’re sad about being burned, but you can learn from this experience and make sure you ask the questions next time around, and double check them.

Third, online profiles are great ways to find out more about people, and you should use them. Go beyond simply Googling him. Use other social media that he’s on like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc., to figure out who he is, what he likes and doesn’t like, and whether the two of you are a good match.

As for your feelings, I think they’re new, and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Let yourself process what happened. You did get taken advantage of, so if you think of that as a win, well, then he did win, but go a little deeper. How much of a win is it really, to treat someone poorly? 😕 How much of a win is it to be a bad parent? 😕 Try not to look at this in terms of winning or losing, and put the focus back on yourself. Figure out what you’ve learned, what you’re going to do differently next time, and get back out there! You’re going to find your Mr. Right — but this guy is one to cross off the list. He’s not the one.

[Pinkangel]

[quote=”April Masini”]I’m very sorry you’re hurt. 🙁 I think anyone who was dating a guy for six months and found out he’d been cheating, would be hurt. So let’s move forward — and maybe I can help you do that. 😀

First of all, I’m not sure how you met this guy, so let me know when you write back, as well as your age. But… if you meet in person and you have friends in common, that’s a really good way to sort of get references for him, so you’re not on your own “vetting” him for the truth. When you have people in common, whether they’re friends, cousins, classmates, or work colleagues, you’ve got cross checks on him and you can find out things about him that you can’t if you’ve met him online.

Second, if you do meet a guy on line, and you don’t have people in common, you have to work a little harder to find out about him, as well as double checking things — for instance, if you never get invited to his home, there’s probably a reason — like a girlfriend or a wife. And without grilling him, find out about his past relationships and his relationships with his kids. I know you’re sad about being burned, but you can learn from this experience and make sure you ask the questions next time around, and double check them.

Third, online profiles are great ways to find out more about people, and you should use them. Go beyond simply Googling him. Use other social media that he’s on like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc., to figure out who he is, what he likes and doesn’t like, and whether the two of you are a good match.

As for your feelings, I think they’re new, and you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself. Let yourself process what happened. You did get taken advantage of, so if you think of that as a win, well, then he did win, but go a little deeper. How much of a win is it really, to treat someone poorly? 😕 How much of a win is it to be a bad parent? 😕 Try not to look at this in terms of winning or losing, and put the focus back on yourself. Figure out what you’ve learned, what you’re going to do differently next time, and get back out there! You’re going to find your Mr. Right — but this guy is one to cross off the list. He’s not the one.[/quote]

Thanks for your response! I did meet him online. I started growing suspicious because i never met his family or friends, in the 6 months i felt like we should’ve gone out more but we didn’t. I just started not to feel right. I knew his brothers name so i started researching his brothers facebook page since he doesn’t have one. I looked through his brothers friends list and saw the woman in a photo with the guy i was dating so thats how i found out about her. I confronted him and he denied even knowing her at first until i told him i saw photos on her fb page. He then even tried to deny them being engaged but seems every time his mouth moves its lying. Since then i’ve found out so much other negative info on him… He told me his last ex was crazy and insecure but i found out that he cheated on her with this woman he’s now engaged too so thats how they ended she was not crazy she found out about him just like i did. He’s cheated on an ex wife had 2 kids with other women during there 11 year marriage. He’s been in trouble with the law several times. To sum it up he is a pathological lying cheater. I should be glad he is gone but it hurts. He’s cheated on everyone and I don’t know why i feel like this. This will be his fourth marriage…. He told me he was only married twice before. I’m 36 he is 43

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. Knowing that this is an online relationship helps me understand the problem a little better. And I can give you some more specific advice:

* Online dating sites are great ways to meet people, but they’re tools. And they’re good at somethings — not so much at others. You can get a certain amount of information from these sites, and you can verify it casually. But you really don’t know what you’re getting if you date someone you’ve only met online. The dating process is different from dating a guy you met at the office, or in a college classroom where you have some knowledge from seeing him daily or at least, regularly. When you meet online, you have to work harder to figure out who it is you’re dating — if you like him!

* Next, if you haven’t met his friends and family, it means he’s not that into you — or he’s got some other reason for not wanting you to meet them. You can use this relationship landmark to decide if you wan to continue dating him.

* And lastly, play the field, and always assume — especially when you meet online — that he’s doing the same. There are so many people to date online, that you have to understand that he’s looking at other profiles and trying to find “the one”. Or — a bunch of women to date without a commitment. Use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue dating him. If you do, then use the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. It sounds like you were only dating this one guy and you put all your eggs in one basket, which makes the sting of the relationship failure, more painful. 🙁

Clearly, he’s not your Mr. Right, so try to be happy it was only a six month investment and not more — and learn from this relationship, what you will and won’t do next time. 😉

[Member]

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