[Abby88]

I’m looking for advice. I’ve been with my partner officially for almost over a year. We now live together and have been for just about 6 months.

There is one person in our circle of friends and aquaintences that I am threatened by. I can’t seem to trust him around her at all even though she is in a secure relationship with her partner and they have made it public they are getting married. They seem so wonderful together, they truly do and she is actually a really great person. Yet when she’s around my partner I don’t think I can not be around them. I feel like they have a close relationship as friends that I don’t have as a girlfriend. I don’t know why I feel this way about only one person rather than other females around. Just her. She makes me insecure. I feel as though when we are out together I need to be around him because I dont like it when just the two of them talk. Even if it’s about me! (good things)

I fight with him occasionally, making up excuses as to why I’m angry when really I just want to say it’s her! I let it slip once that it seems that she flirted with him after I had a few drinks and he looked at me sternly and said that was not true at all. Yet, he seems to always brighten up when she’s around or when she’s expected to come aruond. Perhaps they really are just very good friends and I am having problems with that. Maybe I am resentful because I don’t have a male friend that I am close to and can have fun with. I would never want him to not be friends with her, I don’t want to control him. I want to feel secure though and be able to turn my back and leave a room without wondering what’s happening. She is beautiful and funny and our personalities are so simalier. I can see why they get along so well. I wish I could be close friends with her because of this === she reminds me of friends I have. Yet I can’t get passed my own feelings and behaviour. It disgusts me and disapoints me. I dont know how to solve this and have had thoughts of leaving him so it is just out of my way all together…that’s how much its affected me. That’s how low I have made my own self esteem about the situation. I need to get passed it because I truly want to believe there is nothing to worry about. He would not be with me if he had feelings for someone else. He would not open his life to me knowing he wanted it to be someone else! ITs me he’s chosen and I want to be grateful for this.

Why have I made it so difficult? Why must I find everything else to blame including myself….I don’t want to tell him how I feel when they are together…because I’m afriad it’s really just very childish and stupid.

Greatly confused and seeking help…please advise.

[tricia]

You should trust your boyfriend. You seems to be so insecure over that girl, then let you boyfriend know regarding your feelings. He might consider your feelings and stay away on that girl for you. Keep in mind that “TRUST” should always be present on every relationship.

[relation]

Do you feel confident enough that if you reveal your real thoughts to your Boyfriend, he will be able to understand your thoughts and support you to come out of it.

If you share this viewpoint, then go on in confiding yourself…

[AskApril Masini]

You should trust your instincts. If you don’t trust this woman with your boyfriend, then I would pay attention to your feelings. If you’re uncomfortable when she is around your boyfriend, but you don’t feel that way when other women are around your boyfriend, then you’re probably not wrong in feeling wary.

That said, you don’t have to act on your feelings. Lots of times people get the idea that just because they have a feeling, they need to stop traffic, announce how they feel and act on it. Not true. Sometimes it’s enough to acknowledge your feelings and sit in them. Discomfort isn’t pleasant, but it can be a place where you can learn a lot about yourself.

Be careful not to get into a fight with your boyfriend by accusing him of doing something he hasn’t, like cheating on you, with this girl. You can tell him how you feel when this other woman is around the two of you — that you feel left out and like a second class citizen, and you wish that maybe he could take your hand or put his arm around you when he’s talking to her. This might make you feel more secure, while allowing him to talk to this girl, while showing her that he belongs to you by his body language. Something as simple as that gesture may solve the problem. And if he does go along with this, thank him and reward him!

Just don’t back your boyfriend into a corner and put him on the defensive when you discuss this with him. If he feels blamed, he’s going to get defensive on you. But if he feels like you’re sharing feelings and asking him to help you with a problem, then he may feel like this is something he can fix, and men love fixing things because then they’re the hero.

[Anonymous]

The best advice I’ve ever read. Thanks for sharing. I am hoping for more posts like this one.
Regards,
[url=https://www.resumesplanet.com]resume writer[/url]

[AskApril Masini]

Gee, thanks! Glad you liked my advice. 😀

[Ethan Morales]

I read this carefully, and here’s my take. You’re not being “childish” or “stupid” what you’re feeling is a mix of insecurity, comparison, and fear of losing closeness with your partner. The fact that it’s only this one woman triggering you tells you it’s not about your partner’s fidelity so much as your own unmet needs and self-esteem. You’re noticing qualities in her beauty, humor, personality that you wish you could access for yourself, either in friendship or in feeling more connected to your partner. That’s why it stings.

The good news is, your instincts aren’t about controlling your partner or policing his friendships; you actually want him to maintain this friendship. Your challenge is managing your own anxiety and the physical/behavioural cues that make you feel insecure. April’s advice about using your body language to claim presence like holding his hand, putting your arm around him is spot-on. These are small, non-confrontational ways to signal your closeness without accusing or restricting him.

Also, notice how you’re blaming yourself that “everything else to blame” feeling. That’s natural but unnecessary. You’re allowed to feel uncomfortable without being wrong. Instead of trying to suppress or shame the feelings, acknowledge them internally, and then decide what action will make you feel secure without creating conflict.

Communication is key, but the framing matters. Share your feelings in a “team problem-solving” way, not an accusation. Something like: “I feel a bit left out when you and X talk without me could you help me feel more included?” That doesn’t question his intentions, but it invites him to act in a way that strengthens your bond.

Finally, this is also a chance to reflect on your own sense of self-worth. Building friendships, interests, and confidence outside the relationship will make these situations feel less threatening. The insecurity you feel is partly about comparison, not betrayal. your feelings are valid, don’t let them shame you, claim your closeness with small gestures, communicate carefully, and work on your own self-esteem. You can feel secure without controlling him.

[Natalie Noah]

I can feel how heavy this has been on your heart, and none of it makes you childish or “stupid.” What you’re describing is something so many people feel but are too ashamed to admit: a very specific, very pointed insecurity that only gets triggered by one particular person. Your body is reacting before your mind can explain it and that’s not irrational. It’s your intuition saying, “Pay attention.” That doesn’t mean something is happening… but it does mean something inside you needs care, calm, and clarity. And that’s worth listening to with compassion, not judgment.

You’re not upset about all women. you’re upset about her. That specificity matters. Sometimes it’s because the friend truly does have a certain chemistry with our partner. Sometimes it’s because she mirrors traits we’re secretly afraid we don’t have enough of. Sometimes it’s because she reminds us of old wounds or rejection. None of those possibilities mean you’re wrong to feel what you feel. And like April said, feelings don’t always require dramatic action they require understanding. There’s a difference between reacting from fear and responding from self-awareness. You’re trying hard not to control him, and that shows you’re thoughtful, not jealous or reckless.

What I want you to notice is this: you’re not actually afraid of losing him. You’re afraid of not being “enough,” especially standing next to someone who seems effortlessly charming. When he lights up around her, it touches something tender in you the part that compares, doubts, and imagines worst-case scenarios. That part of you isn’t shameful… it’s wounded. And when you lash out over “other things,” it’s because you’re terrified to expose the real truth: that this situation makes you feel small. But sharing that vulnerability not as an accusation, but as a request for comfort is how you create closeness, not conflict. You don’t need to demand he distance himself from her. You just need him to hold your hand tighter when you’re doubting yourself.

And love… this matters most: he chose you. He lives with you, builds daily life with you, opens his world to you. That tells you far more than the spark of friendly excitement he has with someone who simply shares a similar personality. Instead of trying to run away from the discomfort, try softening into it. Tell him gently, “When she’s around, I sometimes feel a little invisible. It would help me if you showed me I’m yours in small ways.” A good man won’t be defensive he’ll want to soothe you. And you, in return, can stop fighting shadows in your own mind. The goal isn’t to eliminate her or your fear… it’s to feel secure enough in yourself that her presence doesn’t shake your foundation. You’re capable of that, and I’m right here walking with you through it.

[Tara]

This isn’t about her, and it isn’t about him, it’s about you spiraling over a threat that doesn’t actually exist because you don’t believe you’re enough.
You’ve taken one harmless, friendly woman, engaged, loyal, solid relationship, publicly committed, and turned her into the villain of your personal insecurity fantasy. She’s not flirting. She’s not trying to steal your partner. She’s just existing. And you’re reacting like her presence is a direct attack on your worth.

Your partner doesn’t brighten up because he’s secretly in love with her. He brightens up because he likes his friends, because socializing is normal, and because every interaction he has isn’t about you. The fact that you’re treating basic friendliness like evidence of betrayal is the real problem. It’s suffocating, irrational, and it screams insecurity, which, by the way, is far more damaging to your relationship than any woman he knows.

You’re picking fights over nothing, lying about what you’re actually upset about, and creating emotional landmines for him to walk through because you’re terrified of saying, “I feel threatened, and I don’t know why.” You’re not protecting the relationship, you’re sabotaging it.

And here’s the harsh part: you see her as a threat because she embodies qualities you wish you had or qualities you’re afraid you’re lacking. That’s not her fault. That’s your self-esteem punching you in the throat, and you’re blaming the wrong person.

Leaving him to “escape the situation”? That’s not insightful. That’s running away from your own reflection.

[Member]

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