[Anonymous]

I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 months now. It doesn’t sound a lot, but we really love each other. There’s only one major flaw in our relationship and it’s that he can’t get over my past.
It’s been the main source of arguments for abit now. We met at uni and so he knows nothing about the person i used to be. My number is high for a girl of 19. Before him, i had slept with 11 boys. It’s really bad, and I’m not denying that, but i did have my reasons.
Before my current boyfriend i had my first proper boyfriend, who i was with for a year and a half, when he cheated on me, i was naive and thought that that was the end of my world, I’ve always had bad luck with boys, so i thought this was all i was worth. I slept with a lot of boys in a row after that, mainly to numb my pain and to feel like people still found me attractive. I slept with 3 boys in the first week and after that a few more. They were all one night stands. I told myself uni would be a fresh start, but i still never felt happy and slept with another 2 before i found my boyfriend. He knew my number before we got together but since we’ve been together he’s wanted to know more details about it. Because i said i’d never lie to him, i told him anything he wanted to hear, and now the little details are killing him. He hates the thought of me with them, which is understandable, but sometimes it gets out of hand and he asks me what i was wearing the night i slept with them so that i can not wear it anymore. He gets upset about the places i had sex, the people i had sex with and the positions i did them in.
I can’t think of any solution to make him feel any better , and he says that he doesn’t think he’ll ever get over it 100%
Its really forcing us apart and we talk about splitting up frequently, but we both really don’t want to.
Is there anything else i can do?

[AskApril Masini]

The one thing you can do is to forgive yourself and go a little easier on YOU! 😉 Everybody has things they’ve done in their past that they wish they could do differently, and the people who use their pasts to change their futures are big winners in life. Where you come from and what you’ve done is only important in comparison to who you are now and what you are doing and going to do next. I think you’re a little too stuck on the number of men you’ve slept with and he is, too.

Your boyfriend, who I assume is around the same age as you at 19, doesn’t have the life experience or maturity to understand that your past is part of who you are, and if he likes who you are, he’d be wise to figure out how your past has shaped you, and to then be admiring and respectful of your process. 🙂 I know that’s a mouthful, but in a nutshell, it equates to maturity.

You can’t make your boyfriend get over the fact that you’ve had relationships and sex in your past. That’s his job. Yours is only to be a good girlfriend and to be fun, affectionate, open and honest and to take good care of yourself. If he doesn’t accept you then it’s better to know so now, with only five months under your belt. This is not a problem you want to linger for another twelve months before he realizes he can’t be with you any more because he really wants a virgin or someone who has fewer past partners than he has.

All that said, it is very normal for men to want to be more experienced than their women, and being honest is fabulous, but there are times and places when saying less is more.

I hope that that helps. Let me know how things go.

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