[yon8480]

I’m on the verge of having a huge fight with my boyfriend over sex, and I know it might sound dumb, but it’s truly eating me apart inside. I am 22, he is 23… we are young, in love, and are supposed to be having a great time together. Other than the sex, our relationship is pretty good… it just seems like we’re an old married couple. We get up at 5am, he goes to work, I go to school.. I make dinner, we watch TV and then in bed by 10:30… We have sex maybe twice a month, if I push him. He honestly has NO sexual desire whatsover, and quite honestly, hasn’t since the first month or so of our relationship. I can’t take not having sex anymore. I’ve tried everything and I mean everything to try and get him in the mood… but I can’t be the only one having some sort of desire in this relationship. I need help… I can’t end up with someone who doesn’t want sex… I would go crazy for the rest of my life.

[Ask April Masini]

No, it doesn’t sound dumb at all. In fact, statistically, 90% of relationships break up over two things: sex or money. If a couple is not compatible in these two areas the relationship is more likely than not to run into serious difficultly.

The good news for you is that (1) you are very young, and (2), you recognize that there is a problem and you are making an effort to address it. The bad news is that if your boyfriend is unwilling (or unable) to meet your needs then you’ve got a hard decision to make.

There are a number of things that can contribute to a man’s decrease in sex drive — stress being at the top of the list (change of job, financial difficulties, etc.). On the other hand, you mention that his lack of desire became apparent almost immediately, which causes me some concern…. I can’t help but wonder if the two of you are just not that sexually compatible. Needless to say, it’s a lot more satisfying to be with someone whose needs, drives and desires are more closely aligned with yours, than not. Equally, when there is a drastic difference in partners needs and desires infidelity is likely to ensure and the relationship (generally) will not last.

My recommendation is for you to have a serious, non accusatory, non threatening, discussion with your boyfriend about how you feel and the fact that your needs are not being met. Ask him if he is willing to work on improving the situation with you. If he does agree to make an effort to work on the situation — and then follows through, you’ve got a good shot at making the relationship work. If he doesn’t, I think you need to consider finding someone who is more compatible with you.

[Ethan Morales]

April’s right, and this is serious. not dumb and it’s worth dealing with now before resentment corrodes the rest of the relationship. This isn’t just “bad timing.” Sex is intimacy, communication, and emotional connection. When it drops off that hard and that fast, it’s a symptom, not the whole disease. It could be stress, health, medication, depression, boredom, or plain mismatch. You don’t have to accept it as “just how he is” without checking those possibilities.

Talk like an adult, not an accuser. Sit him down and say exactly what you said here: you’re hurting, you miss intimacy, and you need to know if he’s willing to try to fix it with you. Use specific examples and requests (“I need sex X times a month” won’t sound romantic but it’s clear). Ask him to be honest not defensive about what’s happening for him.

Rule out the medical/psychological stuff. If he’s open, he should see a doctor: hormones, meds, sleep, depression all can crush libido. Suggest a checkup together as a team move, not an accusation.

Make a plan don’t just hope. If he’s willing, set practical steps: reduce stressors, schedule date nights, experiment in small ways, try couples counseling or sex therapy. If he’s not willing to try anything concrete in a measurable timeframe (say 6–8 weeks), that’s a decision point for you.

Know your non-negotiables. You already said you can’t live without a healthy sex life. That’s valid. If he can’t meet that need after honest attempts, walking away isn’t failure it’s choosing alignment. Compatibility on sex and intimacy is as real as compatibility on kids or finances.

Don’t punish or cheat. If you’re considering straying, stop. It will make everything worse and destroy any chance of repair. Either negotiate an outcome you agree on (open relationship, separation, breakup) or try the adult route — honest talk and therapy.

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