[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I are 26 years old. We were high school sweethearts, but have been off and on since college. We are now officially a couple again. He used to be very physical with me, to the point of being annoying to me. Now, however, I can barely get a kiss from him, let alone sex. He doesn’t sleep in the same bed with me when I stay with me, claiming it’s too hot. Today I found an open porn website on his computer, which I was surprised by because he’s told me his sex drive is very low due to stress.

I asked him why he acts this way, and says he is uncomfortable talking to me about sex and thinks we should save it for special occasions only. He tells me he loves me and will eventually propose.

Help! What do you guys think about this behavior?

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t think his behavior is normal — on the face of things. It’s unusual for a 26 year old man to not want sex, especially since he was sexually active with you before. His excuse of stress is a legitimate one, but the question is, what is stressing him? And if his stress is normal, are there ways to alleviate it so he can perform and want to perform, sexually?

The fact that he’s secretly looking at pornography means he’s still interested in sex — but not with you. That he tried to keep the porn secret and then said he’s uncomfortable talking to you about sex means he’s got other secrets, too.

Try and talk to him more about what’s REALLY going on and tell him how disappointed and hurt you are that he doesn’t want to have sex with you any more. It’s important that he knows that in a relationship, his behavior affects you, too. If your feelings are not important enough for him to open up to you about his own behavior, then you may have a relationship deal breaker on your hands. Everyone hits bumps in the road in the bedroom, but being able to talk them through and work them through makes the difference between success and failure in a relationship.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

And please join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your reply. I feel exactly the same way, so it was nice to know I’m not the only one. I spoke to him briefly today about the issue (sidenote: he promised to call me, but ended up only talking to me online).

I tried to uncover why he feels so uncomfortable with discussing sex with me, but he only clams up. He claims to be embarrassed for some reason. He did say he feels insecure about his performance, but I reassured him that it takes practice to learn each other’s bodies and what works.

He is getting frustrated and defensive by my wanting to discuss the issue – says I’m “making a mountain out of a molehill”. He also said that I’m further pushing him away by continuing to bring the issue up.

ALSO, I should clarify about the porn site I found on his computer. It was more of a “hooking up” site, called Adult Friend Finder, with which you can chat and meet people in addition to looking at videos.

[Ask April Masini]

Clearly he doesn’t want to talk to you any more about this issue. And he doesn’t want to have sex with you. AND he’s looking for hook ups online. I think you’ve reached the end of the relationship whether or not you want to accept it. It takes two people to make a relationship work, and he’s not behaving like a loving or committed or respectful boyfriend any more.

Time to move on.

Sorry. 🙁

If it makes you feel any better, you’ll look back on this relationship as a blip on the radar when you’re with a man who wants all of you and shows you so. 😉

I hope that helps.

Please don’t forget to join me on Facebook. I’d love to have you as a member of AskApril.com on at this link: [url][/url].

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