[rhuling89]

Hi April!

I’ve been dating a man for a little over a year now. He has been hot and cold with me our entire relationship and today told be very clearly that he does not want to be with me anymore and only stayed with me because he felt sorry for me. As much as I would love to just leave, there is still part of me that wants to fix our relationship. I’ve been reading everywhere that the best thing to do is just agree with the break up and get busy doing positive things for yourself and not calling, texting, or seeing him at all. So, I agreed with the breakup, and told him I felt like it was the best thing. The only problem, is that we currently live together, and because of my financial situation, we may have to live together for at least another month or two. I am almost one hundred percent dependent on him for money, food, transportation, etc. I do not even have my car anymore. For obvious reasons, other than the fact that I don’t 100% want the split, I kind of need him right now. Living in the house together is me, his two brothers, a roommate, and his mother. Fortunately, he stays out of his room and sleeps on the couch, so I plan to sleep in the room away from him. I really do not have anywhere else to go until my father can afford to buy me a plane ticket home. I really want to stay here though, as I just started working from home, and want to save money to be able to go out on my own, so I don’t have to leave the state. I’m busting my ass, doing what I have to do for work, but am not really sure what the best thing to do right now is. Any advice you could give me would be very greatly appreciated. I’m not sure if I act nonchalant, like I’m okay with the break up and just bite the bullet and move back home (though I don’t want to), or pretend I still want to be together and ask him to keep me (almost like playing along and acting like I don’t want the break up so he feels sorry again)…or see if we can live civil in the same house until I can go out on my own. My goal here is to not have to leave the state, to save as much money as I can, while still keeping my dignity intact…but I also do not want to lose him at the same time. What should I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[rhuling89]

I am 23 and he is 24. I had been living on my own supporting myself 100% for 2 years before we got together. I was in a car accident and lost my job so had to move in with him. He is not working (because he is training to become a fighter, and is about ready to go pro) so his mom has been supporting the both of us. I just started working again, but am not bringing in enough money at this point to support myself independently.
I also am his first serious girlfriend. He has never had a relationship before me (just your typical “friends with benefits”) and apparently I am the first girl to require a relationship out of him.

[rhuling89]

Since the breakup, I have not tried to speak with him at all. He has spoken to me three times since about trivial matters (one was asking what I was doing opening the window) but has been proceeding with his life as usual. Anytime he has spoken to me I have been nice, mature, answered his question simply and to the point and returned to whatever I was doing.

I messaged him immediately after the breakup and said “I am okay with this decision, I just wish you would have told me clearly, like you did today, a long time ago because I felt very confused when you would insinuate you would want to break up but would still come back to me and act like we were together and want to do things like we were in a relationship together. I hate for it to end badly, but I feel like this is the best for both of us. I spoke with my father earlier today and he said he would come get me in December, but I will see if he can get me sooner so we can both move on with our lives. We need to talk about our living situation when you get home.”

He hasn’t brought it up, so should I just wait it out and see if he brings it up?

He has stated (more than once when he have started to talk about breaking up) that a huge determining factor was that I was jealous, controlling and insecure. The reason we broke up this time was because I found a message on his telephone from a girl I have had issues with in the past. He would hang out with her and do things I wanted to do but wouldn’t take me to do with her, talk to her everyday, and I insisted that he have respect for me and basically demanded what I needed from him, and he never wanted to do it. So when I saw she messaged him telling him he was cute and to come dance with her, I became very angry and sent her a message telling her I was tired of her being overly flirty with my boyfriend and that they both had overstepped the boundaries of our relationship. (We split for a break a few months ago and while I was staying with a friend, he had her over at our house, alone in our bedroom together. He says nothing happened, but through messages I found out they had wrestled and she had given him a backrub. He also messaged her several times after that asking her to come over and give him a back massage. I feel as though it is COMPLETELY inappropriate and that he is not respecting me by continuing a friendship with her.) My main issue with him is that I feel he does not respect me or my feelings, comes and goes as he pleases, and dominates our relationship instead of comprimising to make us both happy. I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I feel as though he enjoyed the benefits of having me around but is “done” with me now.

Is this one of those things where I have to lay out my standards and not require him specifically to meet them, but “hey, if you want to be with me sexually, etc, these are my requirements.” And if so, how do I get around the fact that his mother is supporting me? (I basically was staying with him and doing things with him because of this, and I feel like it almost is required of me – nothing is for free.) His mother DOES NOT know we have broken up and has treated me like her own child and I do not think he is going to tell her.

He doesn’t seem too concerned with much of what is going on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The real problem here is simple: You’re 23 years old and you’re still living with your ex-boyfriend in his mother’s house and letting her support you, even after a break up. 😳

Here’s my advice:

1. Break ups are tough, but if you’re still living with your ex, it’s even harder to move on. My advice is to move out immediately.

2. It’s not a good idea for you to stay in your ex-boyfriend’s mother’s house with her supporting you and her other children (adult and minor), as well as enabling your dependence, so consider other options. 😉 There’s the YMCA, there are roommate situations, there are room rentals, etc. Besides putting an extra burden on his mother, staying there isn’t fostering your independence which is going to be important to your healing.

3. You have to get your financial life together. If you’re living with your ex-boyfriend because you don’t have enough money to move out, the problem is financial, not emotional. Get a second job; a different job; get creative in your job search and make enough money to support yourself. 😀

I hope that helps!

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[rhuling89]

Thank you.

I’ve helped his mother as much financially, around the house, and with whatever else I can do as possible. I’m by no means trying to “live” off of her. I would prefer to be on my own…I’ve hardly eaten in the last two days since the break-up because I am uncomfortable accepting anything from her. I cannot move for another 2 weeks due to circumstances out of my control (that I would prefer not to mention). I again, was on my own for 2 years before we got together and only moved in with him because I was in a car accident and lost EVERYTHING.

You did not mention what I should do in regards to my ex-boyfriend and being around him or saying anything to him though. We do still have to live together for another couple of weeks, and again, I’m not 100% wanting the break-up. Aside from the living situation, what are your thoughts about the situation between him and I?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I’ve helped his mother as much financially, around the house, and with whatever else I can do as possible. I’m by no means trying to “live” off of her. I would prefer to be on my own…I’ve hardly eaten in the last two days since the break-up because I am uncomfortable accepting anything from her. I cannot move for another 2 weeks due to circumstances out of my control (that I would prefer not to mention). I again, was on my own for 2 years before we got together and only moved in with him because I was in a car accident and lost EVERYTHING.[/quote]

These are all excuses. Whether or not you tried to help, you prefer to be on your own, you’re uncomfortable accepting anything…. the bottom line is that you’re still living in your ex-boyfriend’s mother’s home with her other kids. My advice was to move out immediately because this isn’t a good situation for you. Instead of jumping to excuses or reasons not to do it, it would be great if you could look at ways [i]you can[/i] do it. 😉 You’re in a bad situation and you need to change your behavior and your patterns of approaching problems. I’m very sorry you were in a car accident, but after you had the accident, moving into your boyfriend’s mother’s house was not a good choice. 😳 There are always other options! 🙂

[quote]You did not mention what I should do in regards to my ex-boyfriend and being around him or saying anything to him though. We do still have to live together for another couple of weeks, and again, I’m not 100% wanting the break-up. Aside from the living situation, what are your thoughts about the situation between him and I?[/quote]

I think that the relationship ended when he broke up with you, and until you take care of yourself, you’re not really in a position to be in a healthy relationship with anyone, including him. That’s why I think your first priority has to be moving out and becoming independent. 😀 If you are really disabled, there are options for people who are disabled, but living with your ex-boyfriend’s mom is a bad situation for you for any relationship you’re in.

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[rhuling89]

Thank you, I again appreciate the advice and the viewpoint. I will officially be moving in two weeks, and am able to leave the house starting this Thursday. I plan to spend as little time as possible at the house until the move. I have been advised by my grandmother to pack up my things and leave without saying a word, because of the way he has treated me, especially telling me as soon as I leave that he is going to continue the friendship with the woman he had been talking to and flirting with constantly.

I can’t even lie, the idea of just picking up and leaving sounds amazing, because of all the shit he has put me through and the disrespect I have stayed and put up with. I still want to maintain my dignity and be the bigger person. What do you think is best to do?

Also, any advice on how to live in the same house until the move would be greatly appreciated. Do we speak, do we not speak, should we be friendly, etc??? (Excuses aside, I am on house arrest, which I did not want to say, but thought it might be helpful for you to know that I’m not kidding when I say I literally cannot leave the house. It is not an option right now. I have even tried to be transferred to my home out of state and am not allowed to leave until I am finished “serving time” here.)

He has since tried to sleep in the bed with me, ask me to cook for him, help him sew something, asked me to rub his back…all of which I have refused. I’m not sure why he is behaving like this. I feel like we are broken up and that means we are broken up. No favors, no bullshit, no hot and cold, just done. I feel like he decided he didn’t want those things from me anymore when he decided he wanted to break up

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[b] georrgyutss[/b], please post your question as a new topic, not as a reply here — and I’ll be glad to advise you when you do that! 😉

As for[b] rhuling89[/b], thank you for the extra information. My advice for the rest of the two weeks you have in the house with your ex-boyfriend is to be civil and polite and keep your eye on the ball. Explain clearly and firmly that you’re not sleeping with him and be polite when you tell him you won’t cook or sew for him. Civility goes a long way.

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