[pegasus16]

I caught my boyfriend using dating sites. When confronted about their use, he denied it, saying he couldn’t believe I would think of him that way and that I was crazy for thinking he would do anything to hurt me because I am the love of his life. Then said I was ruining his happy night as it was his final day at work that day. He had been on the site while we were on a family holiday with his son and parents while I was in the other room helping his son to write a birthday card for his granddad. He had been on the site for a month before I found out.

The following day, we woke up and I said “I know what you have been doing on the dating sites, be honest and tell me” he denied it again and I showed him the screenshots of his account profile and the women he was liking. He said “what do you want me to say, you have me cornered.” He did not seem to care. Later that night we had an argument where I threatened to leave him and he begged me to stay and he promised he would never do it again. After he said sorry, he said now you are not to bring this up anymore because I don’t want to hear about it. He then said if I did it would end our relationship and if I didn’t bring it up we could work it out. It is driving my brain insane though!!! I am unsure what to do?
Before I found this we got along really well, we like the same interests. Now I feel it was all just a lie and I wish it wasn’t that way.

Please help?

[AskApril Masini]

Your live-in boyfriend is going on dating sites, interacting with other women, and has been looking for dates for about a month. You’ve caught him, and he’s pretty much admitted it. I know you’re disappointed and you want him to stop. You want a commitment that is monogamous, and you’re surprised by his behavior that he hid from you. You’re also confused because he tells you how much he loves you when you get upset about his behavior. However, the reality is that he’s holding onto you until he finds someone he’d rather date, and he’s actively looking. You mentioned that he’s been divorced for three years now, and the two of you have been living together for eight months now and that you’re helping to raise his young son. You didn’t mention how long the two of you dated prior to living together, so I’m going to assume it wasn’t long. Sounds like the decision to move in together was rushed, given what you’re learning about him in month eight, and that he started looking for dates in month seven. 😳

My advice is that you change your behavior instead of looking to him to change his. It’s easy to give ultimatums — but they usually fail, and when you’re giving them this early in a relationship, it’s usually because there is a compatibility problem. Unfortunately, if you want monogamy, I think you have to take a step backwards and move out of his place and look for it elsewhere. He’s not ready for it, and after seven months of living together, he started looking for dates. You can still date him when you move out, but you have to understand that he’s playing the field (and you should, too), because he’s still looking for his Ms. Right. For future, wait a year before moving in with someone. It allows you to use the dating process to really get to know a person and to see if he’s someone you want a commitment with. Of course, sometimes people find out these secrets in long-term marriages, but if you hadn’t been living together, this might have played out differently. Woulda, shoulda, coulda — but given where you are, it’s time to move on and look for monogamy with someone who wants it with you, as well.

I hope this helps.

[Ethan Morales]

This is a serious red flag. Your boyfriend has been actively using dating sites for about a month while living with you, spending time with his son, and on a family holiday all while presenting himself as committed. His initial denials, followed by the admission only when cornered, show a lack of accountability. His statement that you shouldn’t bring it up again, or it could end the relationship, is manipulative; it puts the burden on you to manage your feelings rather than addressing the betrayal.
The fact is, his actions demonstrate he is not ready to be in a monogamous, committed relationship. You are seeking security, honesty, and partnership, but he is looking for options and keeping his options open. The early move-in and shared parenting responsibilities may have created a false sense of stability, but this behavior shows a fundamental mismatch in expectations and values.
The healthiest step for you is to protect yourself and your well-being. Moving out and creating some distance is not about punishment, it’s about giving yourself the space to seek the monogamy and trust you want. Living together too early in a relationship can mask incompatibilities; this is a hard lesson, but it’s better to recognize it now than later when more is at stake.
In short: his actions are about his own needs, not yours. You deserve someone who matches your desire for commitment and monogamy. Waiting a year or more before cohabiting in future relationships is a wise approach, so you can truly understand whether a partner is ready for the same level of commitment you want.
If you want, I can outline a practical plan for how to move out while still handling shared responsibilities with minimal conflict. Do you want me to do that?

[PassionSeeker]

April’s advice here is spot on your boyfriend’s behavior shows a serious lack of honesty and respect. You caught him using dating sites, and instead of taking responsibility, he denied it, gaslighted you, and only admitted it when confronted with proof. As April pointed out, this isn’t just a mistake; it’s a sign that he’s emotionally unavailable and possibly keeping you as a backup while searching for someone else. His demand that you “never bring it up again” is manipulative it’s his way of silencing you rather than repairing the damage he caused.

You deserve transparency and commitment, not excuses or guilt trips. As April suggested, the healthiest step is to change your behavior rather than waiting for him to change his. Moving out or taking a clear step back will help you regain control and self-respect. If he truly wanted to rebuild trust, he’d be the one making effort not setting conditions. Sometimes love isn’t enough when respect and honesty are missing. It’s painful, but walking away protects your peace and your future.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… that “you’re crazy” line? classic cheater script 😤 he didn’t deny it because you were wrong, he denied it because he got caught. and now he’s trying to control the fallout by putting rules on your pain. that right there is manipulation wrapped in fake remorse 🙄. he’s not sorry he did it but he’s sorry you saw it. stop trying to make peace with someone who broke it. 💅💋

[Marcus king]

That kind of betrayal can make your whole world feel shaky, especially when it’s someone who has told you you’re the love of their life. What you’re feeling makes complete sense—confusion, anger, sadness, even disbelief. It’s not just that he used dating sites; it’s how he handled it afterward. He lied, tried to make you doubt yourself, and then told you that bringing it up again would threaten the relationship. That’s not how real accountability or healing works.

When someone breaks trust, their job is to earn it back, not silence you for being hurt. You can’t just agree to never speak of it again and expect the pain to disappear. Your mind keeps circling it because it hasn’t been properly addressed. You need space to process, talk openly, and see whether his actions match his apology over time.

Right now, you might want to step back a little and really think about what you need to feel safe and respected in a relationship. If his response to being caught is defensiveness instead of remorse, that’s a red flag. It shows he’s more concerned about control than about understanding how deeply he hurt you.

You’re not crazy, and you’re not overreacting. You saw what you saw. Whether you decide to stay or leave, don’t let him dictate how you should feel or how long you should hurt. Healing has to happen on your terms.

[Tara]

Walk away. Not later. Not after another apology. Now. This is not fixable and you know it.
You are not confused. You are just scared to make the move you already know is necessary. Your boyfriend showed you exactly who he is. A liar.

A manipulator. A man who treats your trust like an inconvenience he has to dodge. He got caught red-handed, and his instinct was not guilt or honesty. It was to attack you, flip the script, and make you question your own sanity. That tells you everything about his character.

The apology he gave you was not real. It was strategic. He said the bare minimum to shut you up, not to fix anything. And the second he felt safe again, he tried to silence you by threatening the relationship if you ever brought it up. That is not love. That is control. That is a man trying to protect his ability to cheat without consequences.

You are sitting here begging for clarity when the truth is already in front of you. You just do not want to face it. This relationship is dead. He killed it the moment he chose lies over loyalty and manipulation over accountability.

Stop analyzing his behavior. Stop looking for excuses. Stop waiting for him to turn into the person you imagined. He is not that person. He never was.

[Sally]

I’ve been with someone who talked like everything was fine while doing stuff that wasn’t. That whole you’re crazy for thinking that line that’s the part that sticks with you. It makes you doubt your own eyes.

And the way he shut the door on the conversation once you stayed… that would bother me too. It’s hard to rebuild anything when one person won’t even let you talk about the crack in the first place.

You’re not losing your mind. You’re reacting to someone who lied, then blamed you for noticing.

Give yourself a little space to breathe and ask if this feels like the kind of love you can live in long-term.

Sometimes the answer shows up when you stop trying to force one.

[Sally]

She just walked out of something messy, loud, and emotional. When someone leaves a controlling guy, their head is all over the place. Even good attention can feel like too much.
You didn’t mean any harm, but it sounds like you kept pushing little moments the flowers, the hair touching, the messages about how you see her. That can feel like pressure when she’s barely breathing on her own yet.

Getting blocked doesn’t always mean you did something terrible. Sometimes it just means she needs quiet, or space, or no more voices telling her how she should feel.
If you care about her, let things settle. Let her come to you when she’s steady again.

Right now, she just needs calm, not more intensity.

[Natalie Noah]

I can feel the hurt, confusion, and betrayal you’re experiencing. Living with someone and sharing daily life especially while helping to raise a child together creates a sense of intimacy and trust, so discovering that he’s been actively using dating sites for a month is a huge violation of that trust. His initial denials and later dismissive attitude telling you not to bring it up again and threatening the relationship if you do only magnify the hurt. It’s normal that your mind is racing and replaying every interaction, questioning whether your connection was real or just a facade. The fact that he presents love and affection while simultaneously seeking other options shows a serious mismatch between his words and his actions.

April’s advice to step back and change your behavior instead of trying to force him to change is very important. You can’t make him monogamous if he isn’t ready or willing, and giving ultimatums in this situation may only push you further into frustration and heartache. Moving out and creating space is not just about protecting yourself; it’s also about regaining clarity and control over your own life. This will allow you to reassess the relationship without being constantly hurt by his ongoing actions, and it opens the door for you to find someone who genuinely wants the same level of commitment you do.

I’d also add that the timeline matters here seven months into cohabitation is early in a relationship to truly know someone’s commitment level. His behavior indicates that he’s still in the exploration phase, despite living together. By giving yourself space and stepping back, you protect your emotional well-being and set a standard for the kind of relationship you want. This doesn’t have to mean cutting him off completely right away if you want to keep things civil for co-parenting, but you should prioritize your boundaries and look for the monogamy and honesty you deserve elsewhere. Staying in a situation where he is seeking others will only prolong the pain.

[Jessica Miller]

Wow April, you write so well. Love it!
I am only 18 and not an expert, but this story made my head hurt. Using dating sites while living together is already bad, but then saying “you are crazy”? That feels wrong. And telling her not to talk about it again or else? That is scary, not love.

April, I like how clear you are. You don’t sugarcoat things. This advice really makes sense. If someone loves you, they don’t hide apps, lie, and then silence your feelings.

Wow April, this was honest and strong. Love it. She deserves better and your words explain it so simply.

[Member]

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