[pegasus16]

I caught my boyfriend using dating sites. When confronted about their use, he denied it, saying he couldn’t believe I would think of him that way and that I was crazy for thinking he would do anything to hurt me because I am the love of his life. Then said I was ruining his happy night as it was his final day at work that day. He had been on the site while we were on a family holiday with his son and parents while I was in the other room helping his son to write a birthday card for his granddad. He had been on the site for a month before I found out.

The following day, we woke up and I said “I know what you have been doing on the dating sites, be honest and tell me” he denied it again and I showed him the screenshots of his account profile and the women he was liking. He said “what do you want me to say, you have me cornered.” He did not seem to care. Later that night we had an argument where I threatened to leave him and he begged me to stay and he promised he would never do it again. After he said sorry, he said now you are not to bring this up anymore because I don’t want to hear about it. He then said if I did it would end our relationship and if I didn’t bring it up we could work it out. It is driving my brain insane though!!! I am unsure what to do?
Before I found this we got along really well, we like the same interests. Now I feel it was all just a lie and I wish it wasn’t that way.

Please help?

[Ask April Masini]

Your live-in boyfriend is going on dating sites, interacting with other women, and has been looking for dates for about a month. You’ve caught him, and he’s pretty much admitted it. I know you’re disappointed and you want him to stop. You want a commitment that is monogamous, and you’re surprised by his behavior that he hid from you. You’re also confused because he tells you how much he loves you when you get upset about his behavior. However, the reality is that he’s holding onto you until he finds someone he’d rather date, and he’s actively looking. You mentioned that he’s been divorced for three years now, and the two of you have been living together for eight months now and that you’re helping to raise his young son. You didn’t mention how long the two of you dated prior to living together, so I’m going to assume it wasn’t long. Sounds like the decision to move in together was rushed, given what you’re learning about him in month eight, and that he started looking for dates in month seven. 😳

My advice is that you change your behavior instead of looking to him to change his. It’s easy to give ultimatums — but they usually fail, and when you’re giving them this early in a relationship, it’s usually because there is a compatibility problem. Unfortunately, if you want monogamy, I think you have to take a step backwards and move out of his place and look for it elsewhere. He’s not ready for it, and after seven months of living together, he started looking for dates. You can still date him when you move out, but you have to understand that he’s playing the field (and you should, too), because he’s still looking for his Ms. Right. For future, wait a year before moving in with someone. It allows you to use the dating process to really get to know a person and to see if he’s someone you want a commitment with. Of course, sometimes people find out these secrets in long-term marriages, but if you hadn’t been living together, this might have played out differently. Woulda, shoulda, coulda — but given where you are, it’s time to move on and look for monogamy with someone who wants it with you, as well.

I hope this helps.

[Ethan Morales]

This is a serious red flag. Your boyfriend has been actively using dating sites for about a month while living with you, spending time with his son, and on a family holiday all while presenting himself as committed. His initial denials, followed by the admission only when cornered, show a lack of accountability. His statement that you shouldn’t bring it up again, or it could end the relationship, is manipulative; it puts the burden on you to manage your feelings rather than addressing the betrayal.
The fact is, his actions demonstrate he is not ready to be in a monogamous, committed relationship. You are seeking security, honesty, and partnership, but he is looking for options and keeping his options open. The early move-in and shared parenting responsibilities may have created a false sense of stability, but this behavior shows a fundamental mismatch in expectations and values.
The healthiest step for you is to protect yourself and your well-being. Moving out and creating some distance is not about punishment, it’s about giving yourself the space to seek the monogamy and trust you want. Living together too early in a relationship can mask incompatibilities; this is a hard lesson, but it’s better to recognize it now than later when more is at stake.
In short: his actions are about his own needs, not yours. You deserve someone who matches your desire for commitment and monogamy. Waiting a year or more before cohabiting in future relationships is a wise approach, so you can truly understand whether a partner is ready for the same level of commitment you want.
If you want, I can outline a practical plan for how to move out while still handling shared responsibilities with minimal conflict. Do you want me to do that?

[PassionSeeker]

April’s advice here is spot on your boyfriend’s behavior shows a serious lack of honesty and respect. You caught him using dating sites, and instead of taking responsibility, he denied it, gaslighted you, and only admitted it when confronted with proof. As April pointed out, this isn’t just a mistake; it’s a sign that he’s emotionally unavailable and possibly keeping you as a backup while searching for someone else. His demand that you “never bring it up again” is manipulative it’s his way of silencing you rather than repairing the damage he caused.

You deserve transparency and commitment, not excuses or guilt trips. As April suggested, the healthiest step is to change your behavior rather than waiting for him to change his. Moving out or taking a clear step back will help you regain control and self-respect. If he truly wanted to rebuild trust, he’d be the one making effort not setting conditions. Sometimes love isn’t enough when respect and honesty are missing. It’s painful, but walking away protects your peace and your future.

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