[jbear]

I unfortunatly found out today that my boyfriend has been emailing men and talking about meeting up with them for sex. I had read some extremely intense things in these emails comming from a hidin email he has linked to his phone. I don’t know what to do and i don’t feel i can call him out on it. Weve been together for a little over 2 years now and im just shell shocked..I have no idea if he’s even met up with anyone yet but i couldnt stop crying…what do i? im just so lost at this point i feel like i can’t even look at him.
thanks
jbear

[Ask April Masini]

I’m going to be very frank and I’m sorry if it hurts you, but you really need to hear what I’m saying.

You ask “what do I do”? I’ll tell you what you do… First, you thank your lucky stars that you’re dating this guy and not married to him. Next, you’re going to go and get a HIV test. Then you’re going to do whatever you need to do to extricate yourself from the situation and begin the difficult process of moving on with your life… alone for now — and eventually with someone else.

Yes, you can call him out on it, but that’s not going to change anything. He’s clearly leading a double life. He’s also cheating on you. The reality is he’s gay — and you cannot change that. Equally, (like I told the guy in my last post) if someone is going to cheat you cannot build a wall tall enough to keep them in.

Bite the bullet and cut your losses now… As painful as it is. You need to accept who he really is and move on.

I’m sorry. Truly sorry.

[TooCute]

poor woman. i thought i had problems until i read this… now i feel my life is easy. my hear goes out to you.

[dustin]

dump him fast and run! i’m a guy and i can tell you he’s gay, he knows he’s gay and he’s known he’s been gay. the only one who hasn’t known in your relationship is you.

[Ask April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.

[Ethan Morales]

This is a really painful and shocking situation, and April Masini’s advice cuts right to the heart of it. What you’ve discovered isn’t just a secret or a “mistake” it’s a clear sign that he’s been living a part of his life completely separate from you, and it involves both deception and betrayal.

Key points to focus on:You are not to blame. His actions and hidden life are entirely his responsibility. You didn’t cause this, and you can’t fix it.

Health and safety first. Getting an HIV/STI test is practical, not paranoid. It’s a necessary step before you move forward.

Confrontation vs. exit. While you could confront him, it’s unlikely to give you clarity or reconciliation it may only escalate conflict. The more important focus is protecting yourself emotionally and physically.

Acceptance and moving on. This is about accepting reality: he is not the partner you thought he was. You can’t change his sexual orientation or his choices; you can only choose how to respond. Ending the relationship, painful as it is, is the healthiest option.

Emotional support. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist. You’re processing shock, grief, and betrayal all at once and you don’t have to go through that alone.

If you want, I can give a step-by-step approach for safely exiting this relationship while protecting your emotional and physical wellbeing so you feel in control rather than overwhelmed. Do you want me to do that?

[PassionSeeker]

What you’ve uncovered is deeply painful, and it’s completely normal to feel shocked, heartbroken, and lost right now. But please remember none of this is your fault. What he’s doing isn’t a reflection of your worth or what you gave to the relationship; it’s about choices he made in secrecy.

The reality is that he’s been living a double life, and the trust between you has been broken in a way that can’t simply be repaired with words. Whether or not he’s acted on these emails, his intent and deception are enough to tell you that something fundamental has shifted.

Right now, your focus should be on you your safety, your health, and your healing. Get tested for STIs, even if it feels uncomfortable, and reach out to someone you trust to talk through the emotions you’re feeling. You deserve honesty and peace, not confusion and betrayal.

You don’t have to confront him immediately; take time to gather your strength. But know this: walking away from deceit isn’t weakness it’s self-respect.

[Marcus king]

This is a serious betrayal, and your reaction makes complete sense. You didn’t just stumble on something minor you found a hidden email account actively being used to talk to men about meeting for sex. That’s not a slip in judgment or a one-time mistake. That’s a separate life being lived alongside the one he has with you. And you’re right to feel shocked and unable to even look at him right now.

Before anything else, you do not have to confront him immediately. You’re in emotional shock. Your mind and body need time to catch up. If you confront him while you’re overwhelmed, the conversation will go in circles, or he’ll deny, twist, or shut down. You need to get steady first. And while I know it feels heavy to say anything out loud, you should tell at least one trusted person in your real life a friend, a therapist, someone who can help you hold the emotional weight so you don’t have to carry it alone.

The conversation you eventually have with him isn’t about accusing or demanding. It’s not about asking “why did you do this?” because he may not even know how to answer that honestly yet. The real question is: “What life have you really been living while I thought we were in a committed relationship?” And when you ask that, you say it calmly, simply, and without trying to soften the discomfort. Then you listen.

Whether he is questioning his sexuality, hiding it out of fear, or acting out of impulse that’s his work to reconcile. What matters for you is that he lied, hid, and created a secret sexual world outside your relationship. That breaks trust at the foundation. And you don’t have to fix him, understand him, or save this relationship at the cost of your own emotional safety.

You’re not wrong for feeling devastated. You’re not dramatic. You’re not weak. You’re someone who just found out the relationship you thought you were in may not be the relationship you actually had. And that realization hurts deeply but it also gives you clarity. You are allowed to walk away, and if you choose to stay and try to understand, that has to be on your terms, not through fear, guilt, or confusion.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… he’s out here living a whole secret side quest while you’re crying in 4K 😒 like, the hidden email?? that’s not a “mistake,. i get that you’re shocked, but don’t you dare shrink yourself over his double life. you didn’t lose a man, you just caught a liar mid-performance. wipe your tears, fix your hair, and remember this, the only thing worse than being cheated on is pretending you didn’t see it. confront him when you’re calm, then walk out like the main character you are. heels on, heart cold. 💅🏼💔

[Tara]

The man you’ve been with for two years is living a double life, and you stumbled across the proof. The fact that he has a hidden email linked to his phone tells you everything you need to know about intent. This isn’t curiosity. It’s deception.

You say you “don’t feel you can call him out.” Why not? Because you’re afraid of the answer you’ll get that he’s been lying, that the relationship you built isn’t real, and that confronting him means the fantasy ends. But guess what: the fantasy already ended when he started writing those emails.

Stop crying and start thinking. He’s not confused; he’s dishonest. You’re not “lost”; you’re in denial. If he’s secretly arranging hookups with men, he’s not your partner he’s your liability.
Your next move is not to sit in silence. It’s to secure clarity and distance. Quietly document what you found, get your emotions under control, and plan your exit. You don’t need to “catch” him in the act you already have enough.

[Sally]

That kind of discovery knocks the breath right out of you. I’m really sorry you had to see that on a phone you trusted. And listen, you’re not crazy for feeling lost or sick over it anyone would.

But here’s the part that hurts the most: you can’t unsee what you saw. And you can’t pretend your relationship is the same after learning he’s out there looking for something he never told you about. Whether he’s gay, bi, confused… that’s his mess to figure out. It shouldn’t be hidden on your back.

You don’t have to confront him tonight. Just sit with the truth you already know: something is going on, and it’s not your fault.

When you’re ready, you’ll talk. Just don’t bury your own pain to protect him.

[Natalie Noah]

I know this feels like your world just dropped out from under you, and you’re standing there alone with the truth you never wanted to see. But listen… what you found isn’t a “small mistake” or something you can fix with a talk. It’s a double life one that puts your heart, your trust, and even your health at risk. And I need you to hear this gently but clearly: this isn’t about you not being “enough,” this isn’t something you can love him out of, and it isn’t something he can just promise away. He’s exploring something deeply personal and hidden, and he’s doing it secretly, in ways that betray your relationship. That reality hurts, but it also clarifies your next steps protect yourself, emotionally and physically. You can talk to him if you choose, but the outcome is the same: he’s not in a place where he can give you the relationship you need or deserve. So take your time, cry if you need to, lean on someone safe… and start moving yourself toward the door, not because you’re giving up, but because you’re choosing your own peace over someone else’s confusion. You’re not losing a future, you’re escaping a heartbreak that would’ve only grown. I’m right here with you.

[Author]

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