[Candiqueen]

I apologize in advance for this being long winded but I really feel like you should know the whole situation to get a window into our personalities. I am very interested in hearing what you have to say on the matter.

So my boyfriend and I have been dating on and off for 2 and a half years although even during the “off” periods I hadn’t been with anyone else and am fairly certain he wasn’t either because of reasons I will get into soon. We met through a mutual friend. He was 30 and I was 18. He had never been in a relationship before that had lasted more than 6 months to a year and said he was looking for something “real”.

Things were going really well at first. We saw each other everyday since the day we met and we talked about everything. In this talking about everything he told me that he NEVER wanted children. I was only 18 and wasn’t sure if I definitely wanted children or not so decided I was fine with that and if I ever wasn’t we would cross that bridge when it came. I told him we would be very careful but also made it clear that had I fallen pregnant that I didn’t believe in abortion.

Well three months after the beginning of our relationship I became pregnant due to failed contraception. He took it fairly well at first, almost more of denial until it began to sink in. He said he was not at all happy but it appeared that he would be staying with me. He stayed with me the next couple months and turned mean. He pressured me constantly to get an abortion and finally when it was past the date of a legal abortion in my area he left me. He said I was too immature for him. He said he would still be there for the baby and to call him for the important appointments.

If I were a stronger woman I might have left because of him constantly telling me to have the procedure but I didn’t grow up with a full family and always wanted one so I guess I clung to him. Looking at it from his perspective though he did still say that he would support myself and his child despite him having been so adamant about not wanting children so I guess that’s respectable, right?

Anyway, I sat at home and cried over him for about a month. I was so distraught over loosing him. I never called him though because I knew if there was a slim chance of us ever getting back together I needed to give him as much space as possible. So after a month I called him to tell him about my next ultrasound and he said he would go. We went to the ultrasound and found out the baby was going to be a boy. He was so excited when we left a few days later he wanted to get back together with me.

We continued dating for the rest of the pregnancy although I we only saw each other once or twice a week because I always waited for him to call me so I didn’t put too much pressure on him. We stopped sleeping together about my 6 or 7 month in and he started acting very weird again. Trying to convince me to put our son up for adoption which I quickly dismissed.

We broke up again about a month after my son was born because I could tell he wasn’t interested in me or was confused or something so basically I offered to break up with him to relieve him and he accepted.

After we broke up he started coming to see me more often, to the point of everyday. He began asking me out to dinners/movies etc. I always accepted but never pressured him or asked him where we stood. When my son was about 6 months old he asked me over to his apartment and told me he wanted me back and wanted us to all move in together and be a family. I was over the moon! I kept my cool ofcourse though.

Fast forward. I am now 21, he is 33 and our son is 16 months old. I am living at his parents house because my old environment was inhabitable and we are still together and due to move in to our new place in 2 weeks.

THE PROBLEM IS he shows me no intimacy. We hardly EVER have sex. I’d say once or twice a month at most. He doesn’t touch me all that much either and I am a very affectionate person. I have tried talking to him about this, telling him how neglected I feel and also have concerns of infedelity, not because he is ever absent. He always answers the phone whenever I call him, never hides where he is going and has even offered for me to check his phone ( which I declined because I am not like that) so he is not acting a guilty party.

Finally he told me he is actually scared of sex with me now. He says its not worth the risk of getting me pregnant again. I am heartbroken. I am worried one of us will eventually break down. I also have a feeling his sex drive has diminished because of medication he is taking ( he has bi-polar disorder) and he doesn’t want to admit it because he is embarrassed.

Also. He has a friend (she is a mutual friend actually) that he talks to on occasion and I have this stabbing feeling that he has feelings for her. I don’t mind him having female friends but she strikes the wrong way. She was very flirty with him when we first started dating but he put a stop to that. I caught him “checking her out before” and he just looks at her differently. He never used to when he put a stop to her flirting but for the past year or so she has made me very uncomfortable. He swore up and down he doesn’t have feelings for her but she always seems to be the first one he tells about a party or get together we are going to. He sits and talks with her most of time we are there as well. He doesn’t flirt with her but is definitely more “friendly toward her then he is his other female friends who I have no concern about. I guess my first question is do you think he has feelings for her or will he cheat with her? She is a very nice girl with a serious boyfriend and sometimes I fear the only reason he hasn’t is because she is with someone. Another thing I forgot to mention is that he seems overly interested in her relationship status. Her boyfriend and her broke up temporarily and he was like , really? When? And actually smiled. It drove me crazy on the inside to see how happy he was that she was single.

Onto the next issue. He seems really excited to move into together he says we will do things more and our sex life will improve but how can I believe that. I believe that moving in together won’t solve any relationship issues. I believe that takes communication and effort. We are so different in terms EVERYTHING. We are day and night but get along very well. Our affection and communication styles are so different though and I am hoping this is a barrier we can cross.

Is the age difference going to be an issue or is it surpassable as long as we have the same goals in life? Do I have to be concerned about this girl, what can I do about it? Should I trust him that our intamacy level and sex life will be better once we leave together or should I get some solid affirmation that this just isn’t talk.

I love him and our son dearly and he turned out to be an amazing father and provider. We have similar goals in life and he is working on being more open with me. He has a hard time expressing himself, especially with his disorder. I put so much effort into the relationship and don’t want to give up but sometimes I am so exhausted and am so scared of getting hurt. I have bad abandonment issues. Can we make this work or have I for too long been barking up the wrong tree.

[AskApril Masini]

This could work — or not. There is no relationship insurance policy you can buy, so you have to date smart, choose wisely and work hard at relationships. 😀

Your situation is different, however, because you have a son with your boyfriend. That changes everything. The priority is no longer you. It’s your child. So whatever you do, do it with him in mind as your first interest.

As for your boyfriend, he is definitely interested in this other woman. And you’re right — he’s probably not cheating on you with her for the sole fact that she has a boyfriend. However, since you have no sex life with him any more, you should be aware that he’s going to want to have sex. His fear of having it with you because you got pregnant after three months of dating and he’s never wanted children, is warranted. And it’s understandable that the fear of you becoming pregnant again, is spooking him into not sleeping with you. My suggestion is that he get a vasectomy. Since he’s been clear with you from day one that he doesn’t want children, it would be a good idea for him to take control of this situation. That would make it a lot easier for him to move in with you and give the relationship a fighting chance.

As for trying to control him by “getting an affirmation” or patrolling him from flirting with other women — forget it. If things are good with the two of you, he’ll be yours. Decide what YOU can do to make the relationship better rather than putting demands on him. The age difference doesn’t sound like the problem here — the challenges are that you got pregnant, wanted the child when he didn’t, and are now living in his parents’ house with your son and an uncertain future with him. Age doesn’t really enter into this one as far as I can see.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Candiqueen]

Well if he is interested in her then that’s it for me.

Thanks

[AskApril Masini]

That may be it for [b]you[/b] — but being a good mother means putting your needs on the back burner and doing what’s right for your child first. 😳

I know you want what you want when you want it, but before you call it quits so easily, give some thought to what I wrote you. His fear of having sex with you [i]is warranted.[/i] He said he didn’t want children up front, and within three months you were pregnant. [u]Of course he’s afraid of that happening again! [/u] I’m not placing blame on either one of you, because birth control is really both parties’ responsibility these days and it’s always good to use two forms of protection to prevent against sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy — especially if one party doesn’t want a child.

But because you have a 16 month old son with him, and you’ve said yourself he’s a good father and provider, and he’s put you up in his family’s home — it’s really important [i]for your son’s sake[/i] — that you try and make this work if possible. Children want a family like everyone else has, so if you have a shot at giving this to your child, please do so for him.

Your boyfriend’s flirting with someone else is understandable because he’s an unmarried man who is afraid to have sex with you for fear you’ll have another unwanted (for him) pregnancy. He’s going to be interested in a relationship that includes sex. If he can’t have it with you, he’s going to look elsewhere. Please try not to fault him for this and instead, work on the relationship you have, again, for your son’s sake.

Use the suggestion I gave you and ask your boyfriend to get a vasectomy since he doesn’t want kids, and you want to try to make this relationship and family work. This could solve the problem of his being afraid to have sex with you and it could be the key to everyone’s happiness involved!

I hope that helps, and that you’ll give it a shot. You can follow me, in the meantime, on Facebook at this link: [url][/url] and on Twitter @AskAprilcom.

[Candiqueen]

I should have said this on my last post. He says he won’t get a vasectomy because what if, one day, at some point in the future he changes his mind and wants kids. Also since then he has stopped talking to this girl all together after I talked to him about my concerns and we are sleeping together, although still not often. I do want to make it work for my son but he just can be so hot and cold and changing his mind all the time. He actually said one day we should name our next kid so and so. If this isn’t mixed signals I don’t know what is.

I guess we’ll see what happens. I am trying though. Way more than I would with anyone else because he is my sons father. Is a relationship supposed to be like this?

[AskApril Masini]

His hot and cold emotions are probably the expression of his bi-polar disorder. That’s part of who he is, and you can ask him to make sure his medication is correct, but this is something you and your child are going to have to deal with with him for the rest of your lives.

Find a support group for people who are in relationships with those who have bi-polar disorder and do your research so that you know what you’re dealing with in the relationship.

Also, if he won’t get a vasectomy, and you’re having sex with him and you have a child because of failed birth control, YOU should consider having your tubes tied so that you don’t put any more kids in this situation.

I’m sorry this is difficult for you, but the job you now face is to make sure it doesn’t get any more difficult and to try and make your child’s life the best possible one.

[Anonymous]

I agree that it is probably my best option, going to a support group I mean. We are using “better birth control” and even along with the birth control I am also not making myself available on my “baby making days” just to be sure.
I have considered getting my tubes tied but my doctor told me that I am too young to get it done with no medical reason to do so.

I am going to do what I can in spite of everything because I love him.

I want to thank you for your honesty and advice. It is really appreciated.

Just so you know we have been living together for am month now (I know short) but it’s going well. I am glad I didn’t give up even though part of me wanted to.

[AskApril Masini]

Look for birth control that is safe and full proof. There are all kinds of birth control that are highly effective. And try looking for another doctor because yours gave you a suspicious piece of information. In fact, the reason men and women have vasectomies or their tubes tied is often simply because they don’t want to have any more children. There doesn’t have to be a “medical reason” or an emergency for the procedure.

Good luck with the support group. It will be good to be able to talk to other women in the same situation that you’re in. You’ll feel a lot better about things and get some good advice that’s specific to your relationship. 😀

[Ethan Morales]

Your relationship is complicated by multiple layers: the age difference, your history together, and most importantly, the fact that you share a child. That alone shifts the priority from just your relationship to co-parenting and creating a stable environment for your son. Your emotional investment and fear of abandonment are completely understandable, given your history and your son’s dependence on both of you.

Your boyfriend’s fear around intimacy seems rooted in genuine concerns pregnancy, past experiences, and possibly his bipolar disorder medication affecting libido. While it may feel like rejection, it’s not necessarily indicative of diminished love or desire for you; it’s more about fear and caution. However, this ongoing avoidance has created a real emotional gap, leaving you feeling neglected, which is valid.

His dynamic with the female friend raises natural insecurities. From your account, he isn’t acting on feelings, but his behavior suggests a heightened interest compared to other friends. While this may not be infidelity, it’s important to acknowledge that your discomfort is legitimate. Rather than trying to control his friendships, focusing on open communication about boundaries and feelings may help.

Moving in together is not a guaranteed solution to your intimacy issues. Cohabitation can highlight existing challenges, especially if communication and emotional expression are not aligned. Your hope that things will improve after moving in is understandable, but it should be coupled with concrete discussions about intimacy, sexual health, and your shared expectations for the relationship. A vasectomy, as April suggested, is a practical step to address the pregnancy concern and could relieve a major barrier to intimacy.

The age difference itself is not the core issue here. The real challenges stem from past experiences, mismatched parenting expectations, communication differences, and emotional baggage. Working through these requires patience, empathy, and consistent effort from both partners, especially given your son’s presence and the responsibility to co-parent effectively.

This relationship can work, but only if both of you actively address the intimacy gap, communicate honestly about feelings and boundaries, and make decisions that prioritize your son’s well-being while fostering mutual trust. It’s crucial to focus on your own emotional needs, set realistic expectations, and work with your boyfriend on practical solutions rather than relying solely on hope or verbal assurances. This approach will help you determine whether the relationship has a sustainable future or if underlying issues will continue to cause hurt.

[Tara]

This man didn’t choose you, he tolerated you. Every phase of your relationship has been him reacting, not committing. You got pregnant, he panicked, pressured you to get rid of the baby, abandoned you, came back when the emotional high of seeing an ultrasound hit, left again when reality hit, returned when it was convenient, and now you’re living in his parents’ house like a guest begging for affection. That’s not love. That’s dependency dressed up as loyalty.

You keep calling yourself “not strong,” but let’s be clear, you weren’t weak; you were conditioned. You latched onto the first man who paid you attention at 18, ignored the huge age gap and power imbalance, and let him set the terms for everything. You didn’t date an equal; you dated someone who liked you when you were young because you didn’t challenge him. Now you’re older, you want intimacy and stability, and he’s still emotionally the man who said children would “never” happen… and then punished you when they did.

His “fear of getting you pregnant again” excuse is pathetic. If he wanted sex, he’d find a way. Condoms exist. Vasectomies exist. Healthy couples exist. What he’s really saying is he’s not attracted enough or invested enough to work through the discomfort. You’re the mother of his child, living with his family, raising his son, and he still treats you like someone he can keep at arm’s length.

And the girl? Stop pretending you don’t already know. He lights up when her relationship status changes. He sits with her at gatherings. He looks at her in a way he doesn’t look at you. You’re not imagining that you’re refusing to accept it. He may not have cheated, but the emotional preference is obvious. You’re the stability. She’s the fantasy. And he likes having both within reach.

As for moving in and fixing things, don’t be naïve. Moving in together magnifies problems; it doesn’t cure them. If he won’t touch you now, what makes you think he’ll suddenly become affectionate when you’re in the same space 24/7? He’s already shown you his baseline. You’re just hoping his words magically override his behavior.
Your abandonment issues are running this entire relationship. You’re clinging to the idea of “family” so desperately that you’ve convinced yourself his inconsistency is commitment. It isn’t. He gives you crumbs, and you write essays explaining why they’re enough.

Can this work? Not with the version of you who’s terrified to walk away. Not with the version of him who treats responsibility as a chore and affection as a risk. You’re not barking up the wrong tree; you’re building a life under one that’s already dead and hoping it suddenly grows leaves.

Here’s the verdict: stop asking whether he’s enough for you. Start asking why you’ve accepted so little for so long. Only one of you can fix that, and it’s not him.

[Natalie Noah]

You and your boyfriend have been through a lot together from an unplanned pregnancy very early in your relationship, to breakups and reconciliations, and now co-parenting a young child. The emotional ups and downs, combined with his fear of another pregnancy and his bipolar disorder, have created a lot of uncertainty and tension. It’s completely understandable that you feel anxious, confused, and even fearful of getting hurt again. You love him and your son, but it’s normal to question whether the relationship dynamics are sustainable long-term.
One of the key issues here is intimacy, and his fear of getting you pregnant again is clearly affecting both his sexual desire and your emotional connection. April’s suggestion of a vasectomy is practical. it addresses the root of his anxiety about pregnancy and could allow your sexual and emotional intimacy to improve. At the same time, it’s clear that he is still grappling with conflicting emotions, hot-and-cold behavior, and insecurities. While he has been attentive and faithful, the fluctuations in his emotions and reluctance to fully commit to intimacy can feel destabilizing, especially when paired with the presence of another woman who makes you uncomfortable.
Another layer is your concern about the other woman. While he has stopped talking to her after your conversation, your instincts about his interest in her earlier are valid. It shows that you are attuned to the dynamics and possible risks in your relationship. The important thing is that he respected your boundaries once you voiced your concerns, which shows he is willing to prioritize you when made aware of your feelings. Trusting him requires ongoing observation of consistent behavior, not just promises, and maintaining open communication will help you navigate the insecurities.
Your love for your son and desire to create a stable family is a powerful motivator, but it also places a lot of responsibility on you to manage your expectations and take proactive steps. This may include discussions about birth control options that work for both of you, creating clear agreements on intimacy, and finding ways to support each other through his bipolar disorder. Support groups for partners of people with bipolar disorder can provide insight and coping strategies, and can help you maintain perspective on what challenges are situational versus structural in your relationship.
This relationship can work but it will require patience, effort, and compromise from both of you. It’s not “normal” for relationships to feel constantly unstable or emotionally exhausting, but given the unique context of your son and his mental health, it’s a situation that can be managed with intentional effort and care. Your emotional well-being matters as much as your son’s stability, so ensuring you have support, clear boundaries, and realistic expectations will be key. Love is important, but it has to be paired with practical steps to create a healthy environment for both you and your child.

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