[leialeao]

I’m madly in love, and he says he’s madly in love with me. We’ve been having the best relationship of our lives (we’re both in our 40’s with teenage kids), both emotionally and physically for the last year. We’ve been talking about getting a little more serious about our future, even looking at houses. Everything tells me I’ve finally found the *one*, except one thing…

One of my best girl friends told me several months ago that she spotted my boyfriend on an online dating site. Since that time she tracks his activities. He goes on every two to four weeks. We are open about virtually everything else, but I am concerned about confronting him on this. From what I’ve read, some guys just “have to look”, and it doesn’t mean anything. Others say that I should be worried. The odd pattern is that he tends to go online each time we get a little closer, ie, right after we spend a weekend away, or after a special event such as Valentine’s Day or a birthday celebration.

PLEASE HELP! I really do love this man, and don’t want to jinx a good thing. Is this periodic looking nothing different than typical guy behaviour? Or should I be worried? If I bring it up, do I run the risk of ruining what has been a really good thing?

[poly]

Hello,
I would say to confront him about it, not aggressively of course. Try to assume possible reasons as to why he is on on-line dating sites before you do talk to him, this way, you are less inclined to accept any excuse he might use, and are better able to judge his sincerity/honesty.

From personal experience, I know my boyfriend, after we would have a great bonding weekend, would re-experience the insecurities that are natural to a relationship, and briefly become ambivalent about us. It means progression. Looking through on-line dating sites may just be a harmless way for your boyfriend to cope with initial onsets of insecurity, upon passing, he accepts the progression of your relationship, and you two are stronger.

And Who knows, maybe he is checking these on-line dating sites to make sure You aren’t on there. My bf used to go on the craigslist personals first to make sure I didn’t post anything and second to see what kind of girls were out there, not to date them, more out of curiosity. Guys just have this innate curiosity to look- at porn, at other girls, whatever. It’s kind of stupid, but I’d say most of the time they are doing it as brainless activity. (Guys don’t think sometimes!)

IDK what it might be for your case, and talking to him is the only way of finding out. As you can see, the looking at online dating sites can appear as harmless brainless activity, but on the one hand, it could be a well-conceived intentional act. So, Make sure you understand his Intention, his intention is key. If he states his case and doesn’t explain himself well, make him convince you. You shouldn’t sacrifice your peace of mind and well being for anything/anyone. A healthy relationship should be able to nurture you, and be a provider of well being. If you two are in a healthy relationship, he would explain himself and not mind doing it. If he gets defensive and snappy, you know his concern is to protect himself instead of reassuring you, and that is selfish! Good luck!

[leialeao]

Poly, what you say makes the most sense of anything I’ve read. This guy is a gem in just about every regard. He gets a check-plus on every point In my list of how I would like to be treated by a man. On top of that, he’s smart, witty, fun, and even makes a nice salary! Because I was coming off a fairly messy divorce when I met him, I wasn’t looking for a long term relationship with someone else right away, but met this guy, and things just developed. We’ve been in a close and intimate relationship for about a year, and I’m surprised to find that I’m thinking more and more about making a long-term commitment with him. The single only thing holding me back is the every two to three week “peeking” he does on match.
When my girlfriend first noticed him online last summer, I had no commitment with him other than to enjoy time together, so I didn’t press it. After she saw him online a couple of more times, essentially every time he and I spent an especially nice weekend together or had some other significant bonding experience, I really started to wonder. I broached the subject with him last November, when he told me he was checking on his ex-wife. I haven’t brought it up since, but like clockwork, he goes on virtually every time we get closer.
I would like to move forward with the relationship, and know that can’t happen unless I address this, because it makes me question his integrity. Maybe I shouldn’t, if it’s a natural boy-thing to have to peek, but it’s a behavior that’s foreign to me, not one I can understand. I’ve waited, watched, and now know I need to say something. I’m hesitating with this because it’s so foreign to my thought process. I am a very assertive person when I know I’m right, but I’m confused about this. I have no problem offending him if he’s in the wrong, but I fear offending him for a faux pas that is likely meaningless. The problem is… I just can’t tell. Any suggestions on how to talk to him about it?

[poly]

Hello again,

You have every right to know why he’s on dating sites while dating you, so he really doesn’t have a reason to be offended. But if he IS offended, it’s probably because he feels his privacy was intruded upon. You did not purposely spy on him or rift through his computer; your girlfriend accidently saw him on dating sites. So if he feels betrayed, don’t feel guilty, and explain to him the situation.

Oftentimes it’s better to ask preliminary questions before the actual question. So maybe ask him how he feels about the relationship, how committed he is, how far he thinks it’ll go, etc. If he answers he is fully committed and happy, his explanation as to why he periodically checks dating sites should be interesting. Since you’ve had the conversation once with him before, ask him, as if simply out of curiosity, if he still goes on dating site, if he still checks on his wife, etc.

If you are finding it difficult to talk to him, maybe wait until the next time he does it, that way the subject is relevant and easier for both of you to talk about.

Anyway, I hope this all helps!

Btw, how did your girlfriend catch him on these sites? Have you seen him doing this personally? (is it possible that she mistook what she saw?)

[leialeao]

At the time my girlfriend first saw him online she was legitimately online looking for a potential partner. Amazingly, *MY* boyfriend came up! We were both shocked! She has continued to monitor him from afar, even as she has listened to my renditions of our great evenings and wonderful weekends. At first I thought it must be someone else, but visiting her house, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. There is no question; he’s online with somewhat increasing frequency.

After a year of what I thought was a great relationship, I was ready to move to the next step. I now need to address this with him, and soon, but am hesitating because I hate to let go of all the good times we currently have. Unfortunately, the good times, which haven’t abated one bit, are now becoming overshadowed by this secret. My biggest question is how to best address it, and my second biggest question is how a guy can be as nice as he is and say as many “I love you’s” as he does, then spend all his off time looking at other women on line, as he is now? He’s not after my money, it just doesn’t make sense.

[poly]

Oh wow, well this information kind of changes things…

You’re right, it doesn’t make sense for him to be doing this, which is why you have to ask Him so you can finally make sense of it. You should not hold off on asking him, at this point, don’t concern yourself too much about how to approach him, just do it. If you think too much about it, you will only dread it more and more.

[leialeao]

It is the game changer… except I’m not playing a game, it’s real life, and yesterday it got very real. He has been online more or less once/month or so since my girlfriend first discovered it last fall. Recently my life opened up job-wise and kid-wise, making me more available for a long-term serious commitment, what he always said he wanted. In the last three weeks the online ventures escalated to once/week. Yesterday he invited me over for dinner and a movie, and literally was online IM-ing on match, WHILE I WAS DRIVING TO HIS HOUSE! My friend is frantic for me to get out of this relationship. I was fully prepared to end it, but upon arriving at his house, his kids were there, dinner was being prepared, and he was his usual wonderful self. I had a difficult time participating, but was civilly distant, waiting for the moment when the kids would leave. It never came. Now I need to set an appointment to address the problem head-on, and frankly end the relationship. After the evidence of yesterday, there is nothing he can say that could change my mind. I only want to get to the bottom of the issue with the most dignity and least personal damage possible. I’d like to say I care about what happens to his feelings, but that would be a major stretch right now.

So… I’m planning on setting a “date” with him tonight after a meeting I have to go to. I have about 12 hours to come up with exactly the right words, with these goals:

1. Ending a relationship that I have greatly enjoyed, because i can’t support duplicity in a relationship where people say they “love” each other

2. understand how/what he was thinking to do this such that if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I would never have believed it… SO THAT I DON’T EVER GET DUPED AGAIN!

The first goal, ending it, should be easy. The second goal, understanding why, is probably wishful thinking, but it would be great if I could achieve both with one set of words. It would be especially helpful with the third objective:

#3. Hurt the least amount possible.

Hey, thanks for the help. It’s great to get some 3rd person clarity when you’re in the midst of this kind of misery.

[poly]

I’m truly sorry about your situation, I know how badly it can hurt when you think things are going great and the other person has a different agenda. Just two weeks ago I found some messages on my boyfriend’s computer, Basically a message to a girl he was trying to date, said he liked, etc. This happened months ago, when we were still dating! He never actually went out with her, but just the fact that his mind wandered to other girls infuriated me. That and another message just killed me, and I left for the train station to go back home, I had it in my head that there was nothing he can say or do to explain himself-it was over. Since then we’ve had our talks, I’ve had my outbursts at him, he’s has his apologies. He explained that he was insecure about us and it got to the point where he had to pick with staying with me for a long time or being single again, etc. We are okay now, but after that day I know things won’t be the same, I’ll always be wary. I hope your situation works itself out where you will not be too badly hurt.

[katdawg]

[tricia]

You should confront your boyfriend for you to know all the answers behind your questions. There are two possible answers to your speculations. One, he might be not that inloved with you and he is still open for another relationship to the fact that he is still active on the said online dating sites. If he was really inlove on you then he should be contented and no longer participating on this kind of site. Second, he must doing this just for fun and don’ have any intention of meeting them personally. He might consider it as a past time.

[Ask April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

I am here to help, and happy to answer any questions you have. 😀

[Ask April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

I am here to help, and happy to answer any questions you have. 😀

[Ethan Morales]

The pattern you describe is a red flag, not necessarily a smoking gun. Context matters, but the fact that he visits the site repeatedly and right after you grow closer suggests this isn’t accidental curiosity it’s something tied to how he handles intimacy. That deserves a calm conversation now, not burying it out of fear of “jinxing” things.
Why it’s worrying (brief): people who “just have to look” usually do it rarely or privately; doing it on a predictable cadence after closeness can mean he’s reassurance-seeking (checks options when intimacy grows), thrill-seeking (likes the attention/possibility), or emotionally ambivalent about commitment. Any of those puts pressure on a relationship that’s otherwise healthy.
Why you shouldn’t panic yet: this doesn’t automatically mean he’ll cheat, or that he doesn’t love you. Some men browse out of habit or insecurity, and once it’s talked through, they stop. The important thing is how he responds when you raise it: honest + accountable = fixable. Defensive, secretive, or minimising = serious trouble.
Decide your boundary beforehand. Are you ok with him browsing if he’s honest about it? Or is visiting an online dating site a deal-breaker for you? Know this before you speak.
Talk not accuse. Pick a calm, private time. Use “I” language: “I heard you’ve been visiting dating sites every few weeks, and I’ve noticed it tends to happen after we’ve been really close. That pattern worries me because it feels like you’re looking elsewhere when we get close.”
Ask one clear question and listen: “Can you help me understand why you go on those sites?” Then shut up and listen. Give him space to explain, then evaluate if his explanation fits what you know of him.

Ask for a concrete remedy: if his answer is honest but troubling, say what you need e.g., stop visiting the sites, be open about urges, go to couples counselling, or agree to check-ins for a trial period. Don’t bargain for passwords unless that’s a mutual, temporary, trust-rebuilding measure you’re both comfortable with.

Watch actions, not words. If he says he’ll stop and then keeps going, that’s the truth. If he’s contrite and changes his behaviour, that’s repairable.

If you bring it up and he reacts badly: don’t fall into guilt or over-apologising. Say calmly you’re asking for clarity because you love him and you need reassurance; if he escalates or stonewalls, suggest a cooling-off period and consider counselling. You’re not trying to “catch” him you’re protecting the partnership you’re building.
You’re allowed to expect emotional fidelity. Wanting your partner not to window-shop for alternatives right after becoming closer is reasonable. Raise it now with clarity and compassion; the conversation will either deepen your bond (he stops, is honest, and you both grow) or it will show you a mismatch you need to reckon with before investing more.

[PassionSeeker]

You love him deeply, and that’s why this hurts the secrecy doesn’t match the closeness you’ve shared. His pattern of visiting dating sites after meaningful time together isn’t random; it signals uncertainty or emotional avoidance. You don’t need to accuse him, but you do need clarity.

Speak calmly and directly: “I’ve learned you’ve been on dating sites every few weeks, especially after we grow closer. That confuses and hurts me. Can you tell me why?” Then stop and listen. His response will tell you everything.

If he’s honest and remorseful, ask for concrete action deleting accounts, being transparent, or seeking counseling together. Trust can be rebuilt, but only through consistent change.

If he minimizes, gets defensive, or continues, believe his behavior, not his excuses. You can’t build a lasting relationship on words that don’t match actions.

You’re not “jinxing” anything by asking you’re protecting your heart and your dignity. A man who truly wants a future with you won’t need other options. Confront the truth with grace, and let his reaction guide your next step.

[Marcus king]

Alright take a breath. I’m going to be gentle but honest with you the kind of truth your heart already knows but doesn’t want to say out loud.

Because this situation?
It means something.
And it’s not nothing or “typical guy behavior.”

Here’s what’s really happening:

When things between you two get deeper emotionally closer, more committed, more real something in him panics.

So he goes online to peek at the exit door.
Not to date.
Not to cheat.
But to reassure himself that he has options.
That he could leave if he needed to.

This is emotional self-protection disguised as curiosity.

[Author]

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