[Anonymous]

Hi, I am 18 years old and my boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half. When we first started dating he occasionaly hung out with this gut Mike. Recently they’ve become attached at the hip. This wouldn’t be a problem except Mike is really disrespectful to women. He treats them like they’re property and can’t do anything for themselves. Also I am allergic to cigarette smoke. My boyfriend and most of his friends smoke although most of them try to stay away from me while doing it. When we moved into our apartment the boys wanted to smoke on the balcony and I asked them not to since the air conditioner pulls air off the balcony and blows it into our living room. Mike started back talking me. Later that night we got into a huge fight because he refused to smoke downstairs. He is so rude and obnoxious and I can not stand him. My boyfriend constantly defends him saying he wasn’t raised in a good environment and he can’t help the way he is but I was raised not to tolerate men who don’t treat women equally. My boyfriend gets upset when I won’t hang out with him because he is with Mike. This is becoming a huge problem and is tearing us apart. Please give me your opinions!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like a compromise between you and Mike may be able to help. It seems like the problem at hand is the smoking. Maybe you can offer to meet Mike halfway, in other words, you could offer him a pair of tickets to a sporting event if he’ll agree not to smoke in your home. Or maybe you can ask him if there’s something you can do to get him to not smoke in your house. My guess is that this has become a highly charged issue and you’re both pretty angry about it. The trick now would be to diffuse the anger so you can get somewhere with the problem. By doing something unexpected, like offering Mike a gift that he totally isn’t expecting, and asking him if in exchange he’d do something for you — like not smoking in your home, he may just agree because you’re not in fight mode with him.

Of course if that doesn’t work, it’s appropriate for you to back off and let your boyfriend handle this situation because Mike is your boyfriend’s friend, not yours. What your boyfriend needs to understand is that when anyone goes to a guest’s home, the rules of the home prevail. For instance, if you were invited to a home where you were asked to remove your shoes before you entered the premises, would you argue? Of course not. You’d take your shoes off and enter. If you were invited to a home where you asked not to park in the driveway, but to park on the street, would you argue and not do it? Of course not. You’d park where your hosts requested.

Your boyfriend’s excuse that Mike was raised in a difficult environment and doesn’t have the benefit of good manners, doesn’t fly. Mike is 18 — or close to it or older — and old enough learn from his peers. Manners are important in the world, and if Mike can’t abide by the manners in the home, then he should meet your boyfriend elsewhere. But not in your house.

As for the conflict between you and your boyfriend over this issue, I’d advise you to try and take some of the anger out of the situation and try to problem solve if possible. This dynamic is going to repeat itself in the course of your relationship. Everyone has a relative that their spouse or significant other doesn’t like and vice versa, but that relative is someone who visits regularly and can cause this kind of problem between the hosting couple if they’re not on the same page. So, this problem you and your boyfriend are having with Mike can actually be practice for a possible future challenge with a potential mother in law, brother in law, or sister in law. The important thing is for you and your boyfriend to find a way to present a united front when it comes to Mike — regardless of who’s giving in or caving on the topic.

[Anonymous]

Friends are part of our lives. We value and accept them no matter who they are. Like the way they accept us. In your situation, if your bf’s friend is really that bad,try to stay away from him… Just be casual. If you love your boyfriend, you need to learn and befriend his friends too. Who knows, his friend will be able to realize someday that what his doing is absolutely wrong. Just do your past as a gf so the relationship won’t be affected. And do good things to that person. Everybody has a chance to change.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say hello all. This is my first post.

I expect to learn a lot here.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Welcome!

And let me help guide you on use of this forum — always start a new thread/topic when you’re starting a new subject, so that you don’t become attached to someone else’s question.

I’m sure you can manage that!

And — did I say welcome?

Oh, yeah.

Welcome!!

[optimistvik]

yes, this needs to be handled carefully, your boy friend loves you and same way he couldnt get away from his friend and he is also struggling the way you do. just speak and try to make him understand. as april said you can offer some gifts or surprise him.

wish you the best

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Natalie Noah]

You’re not just dating a person, you’re also negotiating how they handle boundaries, loyalty, and respect when outside influences enter the picture. What stands out most isn’t Mike’s behavior which is clearly inappropriate but your boyfriend’s reluctance to protect shared boundaries in your own home. Smoking around someone with an allergy isn’t a preference issue; it’s a health and respect issue. When that gets minimized, it creates a crack in trust.

The advice given was practical, but a bit gentle considering your age and circumstances. Suggesting gifts or bargaining with someone who is openly rude and dismissive can unintentionally shift responsibility onto you when it shouldn’t be yours. You are not obligated to “win over” someone who disrespects you, your health, and your values. Courtesy in someone else’s home is a baseline expectation, not a favor that needs incentives.

The real core issue is the boyfriend’s defense of Mike. Explaining bad behavior by blaming upbringing is a red flag when it leads to excusing repeated disrespect. At 18, people are absolutely capable of learning boundaries and just as importantly, partners are capable of choosing which behavior they will tolerate around the person they love. When your boyfriend pressures you to be around someone who makes you uncomfortable, it signals a mismatch in priorities that deserves serious attention.

This can be a growth moment. If handled well, it teaches both of you how to present a united front, especially in shared living spaces. But that only works if your boyfriend steps up and enforces boundaries himself not asks you to swallow your discomfort to keep the peace. If that doesn’t happen, this isn’t really about Mike anymore; it’s about whether your needs are taken seriously in the relationship.

[Member]

Posts