[julianna]

I recently moved in with my bf, his friend John, and John’s gf. The gf dumped John and moved out, so now it is just us 3. Both my bf and John have similar jobs, working 30 days, then are off for 30 days. My bf’s work has limited cell service, so spending time with him when he’s home is really important to me.

In the past, John and I got along fine. However, as soon as my bf got back it seems like John is actively trying to end our relationship. There’s been a reoccurring problem where John needs to be the center of my bf’s attention—all day, everyday, and without me. If my bf and I make plans, John tries to invite himself or change them to something only he and my bf would do. John also keeps throwing insults at me, through “jokes” or talking behind my back. He also tries to convince my bf that I’m crazy, using anything and everything I do (studying, working out, cleaning, etc.) as an example.

So far I’ve ignored John’s comments, and have not tried to interfere with their guy time. However, after a week of insults and almost no alone time with my bf, I pulled my bf aside and told him how I felt. He said that I was overreacting about the comments, and that he wants to more spend time with me too. I’ve been making plans to do something together once a day (even as simple as grocery shopping), but John still tries to interfere.

John and my bf have been friends for years, and I don’t want to force my bf in position where he has to chose, but I don’t know how to handle this situation. I’m worried if I’m direct with John, it’ll backfire on me. Please help!

[Ask April Masini]

The first thing you can do is to accept the challenge! You’ve got competition. Rise to the occasion. You’ve focused on the problem, now focus on a solution. Use your charms to entice your boyfriend to want to be with you. Instead of complaining about his friend, John, ignore John and focus on the two of you. Sometimes, when you give a problem energy, it grows. If you let it go and don’t give it attention, it fades away. So, change your behavior and your attitude so you can win your boyfriend’s attentions.

Second, you can turn the other cheek towards John. He’s obviously upset about his breakup and he’s projecting his feelings onto you and your boyfriend. You’ve felt attacked, but if you can diffuse the situation by offering to have lunch with him, go for walks with him, and talk to him like a good friend, he may change his tune. He’s probably jealous of your boyfriend for having you and because misery loves company, he’s looking to make some misery. Don’t let him. Buy him a present. Make him cookies. Be a friend he values and doesn’t want to lose.

Third, consider finding a place to live that is just for you and your boyfriend — without roommates. Whenever people have roommates, there are potential complications beyond the norm. Since you and your boyfriend are newly living together, it’s important not to create drama, and instead, focus on what’s fresh, new and positive. 🙂 Find some one bedroom places to rent and show him how excited you are to just look at them. Just to see…. 😉

Hope that helps!

[julianna]

My bf and I have been together for over a year. For the most part, things have been great. He is kind, patient, dependable, and trustworthy, and I think he is pretty special. He approached me yesterday saying that he doesn’t love me as much as he used to, and he doesn’t know why. In the past few months, there have been a lot of changes: moving in together, moving again, living situation dynamic changing, and me working from home. I feel like that, me becoming more stressed/negative lately, and how we’ve handled conflicts have been big factors. He is willing to try and rekindle the spark, but keeps comparing our relationship to that of his ex (1st love), which was more intense, and doesn’t hold a lot of hope for us. My 1st love was intense too, whereas with him I feel more calm and secure. Is this normal? Our relationship started out really intense physically (and is still excellent in that department), and then we fell in love with each other. While we love each other, the “in love” feelings of the beginning have faded for both of us. Am I trying to force something that isn’t right? If not, how do I rekindle the spark? Is it possible for our love to grow into something just as powerful as it felt with our 1st loves, or is there something missing?

Any advice is appreciated! Thank you.

[Ask April Masini]

That “in love” feeling comes and goes. Long-term, committed relationships don’t stick because of chemistry. They stick because of loyalty, character and compatibility. And… they stick because both people want the relationship to work. The problem is that if he doesn’t want it to work, and if he’s looking for an excuse to end things, then it’s going to be hard to convince him otherwise. In fact, I don’t think you should convince him. If you want to [i]win him over[/i], then you should try that. That’s what I was trying to convey in the first paragraph of my last advice. 😉 When the relationship becomes about problem solving more than it becomes about happiness and peace, it’s going to wind down — especially if you don’t have a lot of history.

It does sound like this other guy is influencing your boyfriend, and the living situation you’re in isn’t helping, but since John is your roommate and your boyfriend’s roommate, he’s definitely a factor. That’s why you have to focus on the relationship — not John and not the problems John may be inciting. You need to make your boyfriend feel like he’s your hero, and he’s an amazing guy. You have to be the girlfriend he’s proud of and he wants to show off. If you can do those things, you’re on your way. But if you can’t — then this may not be a relationship that is going to go the distance. Try not to focus on controlling your boyfriend, but do amp up your own behavior. As for getting the spark back, there are lots of things you can do. Check out Romantic Date Ideas (https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html), and riff on them or implement them. 😉 I hope that helps. Let me know if you need anything else.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

ugh babe… you’re living with a grown man who’s acting like the jealous ex. 😭 john’s not protecting your bf, he’s obsessed with being his favorite toy. and your bf? kinda blind to it. you’re not crazy, you’re just watching two bros in a weird emotional tug-of-war. you don’t have to make him choose, babe. but you can choose not to play second to some insecure roommate. if john wants attention, he can buy a mirror. 💅

[Ethan Morales]

This is a really good example of how April Masini’s advice blends emotional intelligence with strategy but it’s also one of those situations where her approach, while clever, may not fully address the power dynamic underneath. Let’s break it down carefully, point by point:

Accept the challenge! You’ve got competition. April’s opening sets a tone she’s reframing the situation from “victim of sabotage” to “active competitor.” That shift can feel empowering, because it gives you agency instead of helplessness. But there’s a risk: you shouldn’t have to compete for your boyfriend’s basic respect or attention. This isn’t a fair game; it’s your relationship. So, while her advice to rise to the occasion is emotionally smart (it keeps you from being defensive), you also need to acknowledge your worth not fight for space that should already be yours.

Ignore John and focus on the two of you. This is classic Masini “don’t feed the drama.” She’s right that attention can make negativity grow. The less energy you give John’s antics, the less power he holds. However, that works only if your boyfriend is emotionally mature enough to notice the dynamic and set boundaries himself. If he isn’t if he laughs off John’s insults or allows the interference then silence just enables disrespect. You can’t “ignore” your way out of being undermined indefinitely.

Turn the other cheek… be kind to John. This is very high-level emotional strategy. She’s suggesting you disarm him by friendliness, not confrontation. That can be effective short-term if John’s hostility is fueled by insecurity or loneliness. But it’s also emotionally exhausting, and frankly, unfair. You shouldn’t have to “win over” someone who’s deliberately disrespecting you. So while empathy might calm the tension, it shouldn’t become emotional labor you’re constantly doing to keep the peace.

Move out and live with your boyfriend alone. This is her most practical (and arguably best) piece of advice here. Roommate setups especially with romantic overlap and tension are powder kegs. The living arrangement itself is amplifying every issue. If you and your boyfriend are serious, removing John from the daily environment would immediately shift the dynamic from defensive to intimate. This is where your energy is best spent: not on John, but on designing a healthy environment for your relationship to thrive.

April’s tone is intentionally playful, confident, non-confrontational, she’s encouraging grace and poise. That’s her signature: she teaches emotional leverage, not emotional explosion. But underneath it, the real message you should carry is this your boyfriend’s response matters more than John’s behavior. If your partner doesn’t step up and protect your space together, it won’t matter how kind or strategic you are with John.

Use April’s mindset stay poised, avoid feeding drama, exude confidence but pair it with firm boundaries and real-world change. You can’t “charm” your way into respect if the other person won’t give it freely. The right approach here is: “I’m not asking you to choose between me and John. I’m asking you to notice that he’s crossing a line and to care enough to protect our space.”

[Marcus king]

That sounds like such a hard position to be in. You’re trying to protect your relationship and your peace, but you’re sharing space with someone who seems to be undermining both. What’s happening isn’t just about personality clashes—it’s about boundaries and respect, and right now, John isn’t showing you much of either.

You’ve already done something right by keeping your cool and talking privately with your boyfriend first. That shows maturity. The problem is, your boyfriend seems to be minimizing what’s happening, maybe because he doesn’t want conflict with his friend. But when he tells you you’re overreacting, he’s missing the point: this isn’t about jealousy or competition; it’s about creating a livable environment and protecting your relationship from toxicity.

Since direct confrontation with John could backfire—especially if your boyfriend isn’t fully on the same page—your next step should probably be to shift focus back to your boyfriend. Be clear, calm, and firm about how this situation is affecting you. Instead of saying “John’s doing this or that,” try something like, “When John talks about me that way and you don’t say anything, it makes me feel like you’re not on my side.” That keeps it about your feelings and the dynamic between you two, not just John.

If your boyfriend truly values the relationship, he’ll start seeing the difference between keeping peace with his friend and protecting the person he loves. And if he doesn’t step up, that tells you something important about where his loyalties and emotional maturity lie.

You don’t have to tolerate disrespect just to avoid tension. If things don’t improve, it might even be worth considering a different living arrangement, at least temporarily. Sometimes, space is the only way to make people see what they’ve been taking for granted.

[PassionSeeker]

you’re basically living in a sitcom you didn’t audition for.
john’s playing the jealous sidekick who can’t handle losing his main character, and your boyfriend’s pretending not to notice the script.

you’re not crazy for feeling disrespected you are being disrespected. those “jokes” are digs, and the constant third-wheeling? that’s control dressed up as friendship.

here’s the truth, love: this isn’t just about john. it’s about your boyfriend letting it happen. if he can’t see that you’re being put in a corner in your own home, that’s a him problem. you don’t have to fight for space that should already be yours.

stay graceful, but draw the line. tell your man plainly:

“i don’t want to be in a home where i’m treated like the intruder.”

and if he doesn’t get it? then maybe it’s time to move — not just out of the apartment, but out of any setup where you’re the one shrinking to keep the peace.

you don’t need to charm your way into respect, babe. you deserve it just by being there.

[Tara]

Oh, please. This isn’t complicated. John isn’t “sabotaging” your relationship — he’s exploiting the power vacuum you and your boyfriend created. You left the door wide open, and John marched right through it. The real problem is that your boyfriend is letting another man run your household, control your time, and insult you while you stand there hoping politeness will magically fix the situation. It won’t. John demands center stage because your boyfriend hands it to him. If a grown man can derail your plans just by inviting himself along, that means your boyfriend isn’t saying, “No, this is couple time,” because he doesn’t want the responsibility of setting boundaries. John’s insults keep happening because both of you allow them — he throws them freely, and your boyfriend excuses them by calling you “overreactive.” That’s not support; that’s avoidance. And the fact that you’re scared being direct with John “might backfire” tells me everything I need to know: this isn’t a healthy environment. In a functional dynamic, boundaries get respected — not punished. Meanwhile, you’re scrambling to arrange tiny little moments just to get scraps of your boyfriend’s attention, which is pathetic. Get your shit together. You’re supposed to be his partner, not some intern begging for a supervisor’s approval. You created this pattern by accepting it, and what you tolerate really does define your standard. John is just an opportunist; your boyfriend is the one failing to prioritize you, failing to lead, and failing to protect the relationship he claims to value. The solution is one calm, controlled sentence: “This dynamic is unacceptable. I’m your partner, not your roommate’s afterthought. You either establish boundaries with John, or this relationship is not sustainable.” If he minimizes you, deflects, or pushes back, the verdict is simple: Walk away and don’t explain. Closure is just negotiation in disguise.

[Sally]

It’s one thing for your boyfriend to have a close friend that’s normal. But what you’re dealing with isn’t “guy time.” It’s someone trying to wedge himself between you two and acting like you’re the intruder in your own home.

And honestly? Your boyfriend brushing it off as you “overreacting” is the part that stings the most. Because you’re not imagining this. John is insulting you, hijacking plans, and trying to make you look unhinged. That’s not harmless. That’s someone who feels threatened and is acting out.

If it were me, I’d keep it calm and simple with your boyfriend: “I’m not asking you to choose. I’m asking you to notice what’s actually happening.” You don’t need to start a fight with John that’ll blow up fast. But your boyfriend does need to set the tone.

This only works if he steps up, not if you keep swallowing your feelings to keep the peace.

[Natalie Noah]

I can really feel the tension and frustration you’re experiencing. Moving in with your boyfriend and his friend, especially after the friend’s breakup, creates a delicate dynamic. It’s clear that John is acting out in ways that make you feel unwelcome and undermined. Your feelings are valid: when your alone time with your boyfriend is constantly interrupted, and you feel disrespected or targeted by his comments, it naturally makes you feel hurt and frustrated. You’re also in a position where you don’t want to put your boyfriend in the uncomfortable spot of choosing, which is a compassionate instinct but also adds stress.

The first thing I notice is that your energy is being pulled toward John and his behavior, which, unfortunately, gives him power over your relationship. April’s advice about redirecting your focus toward your boyfriend is key. By shifting your attention to nurturing your connection with him, planning fun things together, being playful, supportive, and engaged. you’re reinforcing your bond and showing him that your relationship is a priority without creating a direct conflict with John. It’s about controlling what you can: your actions, your attitude, and the energy you bring into the home.

At the same time, softening your approach toward John can help diffuse tension. His jealousy or need for attention seems rooted in his breakup, and projecting that frustration onto you isn’t fair, but it is human. Finding ways to interact with him positively, casual conversations, friendly gestures, even small acts of kindness. can reduce his hostility over time. This isn’t about giving up your boundaries, but rather reclaiming emotional space in the home and minimizing drama that could affect your relationship.

Your long-term living arrangement may need reconsideration. Being roommates with a third person who disrupts your bond is inherently complicated, and it may not be sustainable for the sake of your relationship. Exploring living situations that allow you and your boyfriend to have your own space would provide a calmer, more nurturing environment where your relationship can thrive. In the meantime, keep communication with your boyfriend open, focus on creating special moments together, and protect your emotional energy from John’s interference. This combination of patience, strategy, and proactive care for your relationship is your best path forward.

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