[dawn020272]

My boyfriend of 1 year who I moved in (at his request) with broke up with me right after our 1st major argument. He left the house and hasn’t been back for 2 weeks now. He said it was over and if It was too difficult for me to move he would move. He has 2 kids who he has 50% custody and I have 2 kids that I have full time. We rent a house together and even have a joint bank account as we were saving to buy a house. All his belongings are here and he has been staying with his parents. He has not seen me face to face since the argument. I have never lied or cheated. There has been times that I complained because I work at home and have been pulling 75% of the responsibility from cooking daily meals, laundry, caring for all of our children, cleaning and buying groceries /toiletries. I also work 9 hrs a day from home and the argument was about me having “me” time. He was married for 8 years and he recently made the divorce final after being separated for 2 1/2 years. He never once sat me down and told me he was unhappy-he even admitted he never did. I feel like I have been hit by a train-1 argument and its all over? We have talked on the phone several times but he has been ignoring some of my texts and calls. Right now everything is at his convenience. I have apologized, offered counseling and expressed how much I love him. At this point I just don’t know what to do? He claims he loves me more than anything, that he is probably making the biggest mistake of his life and he doesn’t want to let me go but something “just doesn’t feel right.” He also said that he thinks we are on 2 different pages-that he isn’t ready to buy a house with me and the whole marriage thing.(those were all his ideas to begin with). I have stated that those are all issues that can be put on hold in the far future and that the communication problems we do have can easily be worked out if we communicated and shared feelings. He also said we are not compatible. I don’t understand how he can judge compatibility when he never shared his true feelings. I love him with my heart and soul and he is a good man. I am devastated and don’t know what to do??? The children are all hurting too. Please advise-is it over?????

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t about the fight you had. The fight was just the excuse for the break up. It sounds like you’ve been dating him for a year, while he was married, and now that he’s just gotten divorced, and is newly single, he broke up with you. This isn’t about you. It’s about him. 😉 As a new single, he doesn’t want to get right back into a marriage again in spite of what he may have led you to believe. He wants to be single because it’s a new thing for him. You could be Miss America, Mother Theresa, Angelina Jolie and anyone else you think is awesome, and it still wouldn’t matter. Guys who are newly divorced, usually want to feel single and see what it’s like to be single. They also feel really badly about their failed marriages even when they’re the ones who wanted the divorces, and so even though he was dating you and living with you, and promising you joint bank accounts and a future together, once he got divorced, the reality of his failed marriage hit him hard. This isn’t unusual — but you weren’t prepared for it.

My advice is to give him space and see how he processes the divorce — but to also prepare yourself for his wanting to move on. Many times when guys are divorcing, they will get into a comfort relationship. This can be their next marriage — or it can simply be the comfort that they need to not face the cold failure of divorce. Once the divorce happens, they tend to move on from that comfort relationship.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[dawn020272]

Thanks. I actually saw him for the first time since the break up since he broke it off over the telephone. He had to come and get his daughter’s cat since it had been here for 2 weeks. The ex wife finally took the cat as I have developed allergies to it. He said he will always love me. He told me I am beautiful. He also said he was still in love with me but he just doesn’t know what he wants right now. Last week he went to visit a friend in another state for the weekend. This weekend he is going to take his kids to another state to visit other friends. He is traveling 4-6 hrs away each way to go see his long distance friends. Yet his best friends wife came to check on me and he hasn’t even called them in the last month. They only live a few minutes away. He is looking at houses to buy when he already said he isnt financially ready for that type of purchase. I almost feel like he is running, hurt and lost. I can see it in his eyes.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to focus on yourself and your kids. He’s doing his thing and he’s moving away from you and he’s making that clear. Try to take care of yourself and the kids — have fun, go visit your own family and friends. Take road trips, play winter sports, roast marshmallows and invite neighbors over. Shift your focus from the relationship’s end onto you and your kids. 🙂

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