[Anonymous]

My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me about 2 months ago after moving to the city I am in to be closer to me. He was under alot of stress when he moved he was returning to school and was also looking for a job. He also moved in with his best friend that has for the past year been trying to get him to break up with me. The break-up came out of the blue. We were fine until that day. The day of the break up we had gotten into an argument. He promised me we were fine and he wasn’t going to leave and than 5 minutes later he was crying and telling me I’m sorry I can’t do this. He looked like he was doing something he really didn’t want to and he couldn’t even look me in my eyes.

About a month after the breakup we talked and he was like I miss you, I love you, I want you just not right now. He was like its my decision and you have to respect it. He said he made up his mind for now but he can’t tell me what gonna happen a day or a month or year from now. When I asked him why he broke up with me he said I don’t know.

We talk on and off via text message. When we talk its about everything but us. I try to bring it up but he changes the topic. We talk like we always did, like nothings changed. When others ask him if its really over he says I don’t know I’m trying to figure everything out or that he doesn’t have time right now with work and school and that it wouldn’t be fair to me. He won’t say it’s over.

I am so lost right now. I’m not understanding any of this. He moved here to be with me and than 4 days later he was leaving me. I just want him back more than anything in this world. We were talking about moving in with one another and getting married and than bam he is gone.

Does it sound like we are really over or that he just needs his space? Do you think there is anything I can do to get him back?

Please give me advice. I am so lost and confused right now. I feel as if my whole world has been taken away from me. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. Please help.

[Ask April Masini]

Trust me — this break up didn’t come out of the blue. You thought he was moving here just for you, but clearly (to me, at least), that’s not true. Your boyfriend has A LOT of transitional stress on his plate, and I’m not sure you were understanding and sympathetic to his feelings. He had a move (one of life’s biggest stressors), school, work and relationship pressures. It was too much for him, and he cracked. It’s really understandable that it was too much for him all at once.

However, since he did break up with you, the best thing for you to do is to stop being so available to him. I know you want him back, but if you’re going to get him back, it’s not like this. You have to be unavailable, and let him know what a REAL break up from you feels like. Texting daily and having daily contact makes it too easy for him to not miss you entirely. So stop contacting him. You can let him know that it’s too hard for you to be in limbo like this, and that you don’t want him as a friend after dating for five years. If he wants to ask you out again, he can, but you’re not going to be his friend.

The risk and the reward in this are one in the same. If he doesn’t ask you out, you’ll know it’s truly over. And while this is going to break your heart even more than it is now, I would HIGHLY advise you not to waste one more year, month or week on a guy who can’t commit to you after five years. You deserve more, and it sounds like you want Mr. Right and a marriage in your future. Focus on that.

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