[prettygood]

Ive been dating this girl for a little over a month now. We hit it off right away and seem to connect very well. We went to a bbq at her friends house last night. There were two of her ex boyfriends there. One of them was a serious 2.5 year relationship. I was blown away and shocked to say the least, when i found out that they were there. (she told me at the party) Watching her flirt and talk to these guys (at least thats what it appeared to me as, when she poked one guy in the ribs and was laughing talking about something.) She said that she told me that one of them may be there before we came to the party, but i do not remember. She may have said somehting like ‘Bill will be there’ but not explaining to me that was her ex, or maybe i didnt catch it as Bill being an ex. Whatever the case may be. She also hangs out with another ex boyfriend too and goes out dancing and stuff with him (and a group of people, not just the two of them). i was very upset last night haning out all night with these two guys in the room, playing darts, games, drinking and enjoying some bbq. knowing that she was involved with them.

HEre is my question… she thinks there is nothgin wrong with bringing her ex boyfriends around us/me. She said its over with them and she feels very strong about hanging out with them and having them around. I feel that it is not ok to bring your ex”s around your current relatinship. I dont think that makes any sense. Its hurtful to me, and its disrespectful. Yet she sees no problem with it. I would never bring my current girlfriend around any of my ex girlfriends! It just does not make sense and there is no need. I feel that if you still want a relationship with any past boyfriend than you shoud persue that and not see me. When its over with my ex’s, its just that, over.

This is an issue, we broke up over it last night.. but im not sure i made the correct choice by ending the relationship because i do have strong feelings for her. But in the same token, im strong enough to break it off with her if its going to crash and burn later. I can move on.

My question is: Is is ok for your girlfriend to bring past boyfriends around. Is it ok for her to still go out with them and maintain a relationship?

I sure hope i can get some help here, and ive never posted anything like this before but dont know what else to do.

thanks

[GPM]

Here’s a fact: women accept opposite-sex friendships a lot easier than men. Women see guy friends as fun and interesting, whereas men see those same guys as threats to their relationship. Basically, where talking about two different mentalities. My girlfriend has a male “best friend”, so I know where you’re coming from. I’d say the important thing is to communicate and to make sure that she knows what line she shouldn’t cross with those ex’s.

[redflags]

To add to GPM, the times she goes dancing she is with a group. The bbq was at a mutual friends house of her and her ex. It appears, and of course I can only assume, that the exes you have seen or heard her with are part of a circle of friends and she is not bringing them around you, they just simply happen to be there too. I also dated a friend in a small circle and recently introduced my new date at a party. The friend is still a friend, we just decided we were better friends than anything more. He is happy that I have moved on to someone that I am happy with. We all have a past and it is that past and experiences that make us who we are….and the woman you have become interested in…. As GPM stated, talk with her…..best to you!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

I am here to help, and happy to answer any questions you have. 😀

[Natalie Noah]

Why did it feel upsetting and even threatening to you. You’re navigating the early stages of a relationship, where trust, security, and boundaries are being established. Seeing your girlfriend interact warmly with ex-boyfriends especially someone she was serious with for years, can trigger strong emotions because it touches on fears of comparison, jealousy, and emotional safety. Your reaction is valid: it’s natural to feel hurt or uncomfortable when someone you care about maintains close ties with people who were previously intimate with them, even if she insists it’s “over.”

At the same time, this scenario highlights an important difference in perspective between many men and women. Women often maintain friendships with exes without romantic intent, while men can perceive the same behavior as threatening. From what you describe, it sounds like her exes were present in a social, group context and that she was not intentionally trying to flirt or provoke jealousy. Redflags in the forum pointed out that in small social circles, these interactions are sometimes unavoidable and not a reflection of ongoing romantic interest. This doesn’t necessarily erase your feelings, but it does provide context that her behavior may not have been meant to harm the relationship.

The key here is communication and boundary-setting. If seeing her interact with exes makes you uncomfortable, it’s fair to express that, but it’s equally important to discuss it calmly and understand her perspective. Early in a relationship, both partners need to negotiate boundaries that respect each other’s emotional safety while acknowledging individual autonomy. Ending the relationship outright may have been a reactive choice driven by strong emotions, but the more constructive approach if you still care for her is to have an honest conversation about what makes each of you feel secure, and whether a compromise can be reached. This can help determine if the relationship is sustainable without resentment building up.

[Member]

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