[Scarlet]

After a few months of telephone calls and e-mails, an out of town guy visited me in my city and we went on a couple of dates. During those dates, he initiated the talk about wanting a relationship and we both seemed on the same page that we both did. Since then, he e-mails me a few times a week and refers to seeing each other again, but doesn’t get down to the business of making concrete plans like he did when he visited me the first time. After much reflection, I’ve concluded he must have met someone closer to home but is keeping me hanging just in case.

I date other men, but I feel a different chemistry with him than the others which keeps me hanging on. My mind says get rid of this guy because corresponding with him when he’s acting this way makes me feel like a fool who’s wasting her time. It may also undermine efforts to find someone better. On the other hand, I enjoy our banter and, if he were to visit, I would probably enjoy the visit and maybe things would start to develop more.

What should I do?

[Ask April Masini]

Follow your mind. 😉

He’s not really interested. If he was, he’d ask you out on a date. I know you like him, but it doesn’t always work out that everyone we like, likes us back. You’ll do better looking for someone who’s more interested in you. There’s nothing to really hang on to here, except fantasy. Trust your mind — it seems to be working very well. Your heart just needs a little kick in the pants. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Scarlet]

I know you are right and, yes, my heart does need a kick in the pants.

He was the last one to e-mail me. He sent me a couple of flirty e-mails a couple of days ago.

Should I just continue to not respond?

Thanks

[Ask April Masini]

Yes.

And invest your energy elsewhere. 😉

[Scarlet]

Ok, so I continued to not respond. On valentine’s day he sent me a short, one sentence happy valentines day
e-mail. This afternoon (2 days later) he sends me an e-mail saying he would have liked to have spent valentines day with me. (Although of course he never asked – he did the same thing with MLK day)

Now, my knee jerk reaction is to send an e-mail asking “why not do something about it then?”

That would probably show my frustration, right?

I have dates with two different guys this weekend, both of whom show more genuine interest than this guy, but of course, I still like this one. I don’t know why since he seems to be playing games with me, but I do.

Should I continue to ignore, send the e-mail asking why not do something about it, tell him I don’t believe that he’s really interested anymore since he doesn’t actually make plans like he did before, or something else?

Thanks

[Ask April Masini]

I wonder what it is about a guy who doesn’t ask you out, that you like. 😯 His comments that he would have liked to have spent Valentine’s Day and MLK Day with you — when he doesn’t ask you out on or for those days — are pretty passive aggressive and twisted. It doesn’t seem to promote a lot of confidence in him. If a guy wants something — like a job or a prize — he’s admirable because he goes after it. Men who let opportunities slip by are kind of sad. And you like him, why??

My advice is to ignore these comments. They really don’t promote a relationship — especially when you’ve got real guys asking you out on real dates! Be the prize that you are, and see who wants you enough to win you over. 😉

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Scarlet]

I just couldn’t resist. I wanted to ask “Why don’t you do something about it then?” but that seemed a little critical and harsh, so I softened it a little and sent the following:

LAST NIGHT ABOUT 8PM
FROM ME TO HIM

I’m just curious – why does (nickname for him) mention being with (his nickname for me), but not make plans to do so like he did before? 🙂

This morning at 8am
FROM HIM TO ME
How far is (ANOTHER CITY) from (MY CITY)?

This morning at 10am
FROM me to him
Between 3.5 – 4 hours and about 250 miles. Why do you ask?

This afternoon at 3
FROM HIM TO ME

I want to go to the (activity in other city) with you. How about we plan a trip to (to the other city) in Mar?

You know (that other city) better than me. I was thinking about going to (other activity and yet another) also. What is your advice?
******************************************************

I’m all into destination weekends, but I don’t want to be just a tourist attraction either. All would be cool if he would first establish that it is my company, not the entertainment, that is the point of the trip. He lives 5 hours north of me and this city he is talking about is west, so he’s still traveling to me, but I’d really rather that he visit me again in my city first and start to fly right before going to some other city with him.

How do you think I should respond (assuming you think I should)? Is there a response that would contribute to getting him to fly right?

Thanks!!!!

PS – I think at least one reason I like him more than the two guys who date me regularly is because the way he flirts with me (pet names, etc) creates a chemistry that I don’t get with the others.

Thanks again – I really respect your opinion 🙂

[lesterkiwi]

I noticed his email avoided answering your question about why he doesn’t initiate plans with you. The reason is, what April has been telling you, he’s not that interested in you. If he was, he would spend a lot more energy making plans with you. I have come to realise that, no matter what the circumstances, if you “really” are interested in someone you will make the time and effort to go out with them. He’s not that into you. If you want to see him, then that is your choice, but you should take Aprils advice and move on. You will eventually find someone that likes you as much as you do them, then you will see how a man will make time to be with you.
Good luck.

[Ask April Masini]

I agree with[b] lesterkiwi[/b] (who agrees with me! 😆 ). I’ve given you the same advice over and over — but you don’t seem to want to take it. That’s fine — but you need to stop thinking I’m going to change my mind or my advice….. and…… stop coming back to me with the same question over and over. The same goes for him. You need to stop thinking he’s going to change his mind or his behavior and stop going back to him (or even contemplating going back to him). Re-read this string of posts — and then move on. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Scarlet]

I’ve been dating a man for 7 months. We are both in our 40’s. I am divorced with one child age 14. He has never been married but has a child age 7 from a previous relationship. I have my child full time. He has his child every other Saturday night. Our pattern has been to have Friday night date night and see each other Saturdays too if he does not have his son. We have been communicating at least every few days. He refuses to text which would greatly increase communication since I have little privacy, so we mostly email. We do talk on the phone occasionally, but I am the one who usually calls him because he says he never knows when my child is with me. I know he’s not married because I have spent a lot of time at his house. After 4 months of dating he told me he’s in love with me and then, after that, we’ve been intimate. We had our usual Friday night date last weekend which went fine and he had his son the next day. He mentioned this Friday night and has been my understanding that we have a date. But then I didn’t hear from between Friday night and last night – 5 days! When I did hear from him, he didn’t even mention not having contacted me for 5 days. Instead, he invited me for a Friday night consisting of dinner at a fancy restaurant followed by, conveniently, homemade dessert. The dessert offer was followed by ahem, romantic suggestions.
I had actually begun to worry that he had vanished and do not want this to become the status quo of our communication between dates. I am concerned that if I just play along that’s what will happen, particularly since I’ve always been concerned about his potential for commitment-phobia as a never married man, age 49. Besides, he’s met my sister and I’ve discussed him meeting my daughter, which he seems receptive to, but he has never discussed my meeting his son, except for the one time suggestion that my daughter could stay with his son while we go out. He says his babymama would be upset and give him a hard time if she knew about us.
I’m thinking I should forfeit the Friday night date in a way to encourage better communication between dates, not worse.
What do you suggest? Thanks!

Scarlet

Posts: 13
Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2012 3:28 pm

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for re-posting this here. And by reading through the string of texts, what I can see is that you sometimes get invested in men who aren’t that into you. 😕 Here are some tips for dating that will help you figure out how into you he is.

First of all, don’t call him — let him call you. It’s fine to return calls and initiate a call every now and then, if you’re in a relationship, but if you’re doing all the calling, you can’t really get a good idea of how much he likes you and how he’s chasing you. So my advice is to stop calling him, and see if he calls you, and how often. This will give you a better idea of his commitment after 7 months of dating. 😉

A little red flag went up when you wrote, “I know he’s not married because spent a lot of time in his house.” 😯 Is that the ONLY way you know he’s not married? Hopefully, you’ve had a discussion about whether or not he’s married, and if you haven’t, you should. 😉

It’s a little odd that he stood you up for a date, and he didn’t bring up the fact that he stood you up — and neither did you. 😕 If a guy stands you up for a date, without any explanation, it’s a signal that he’s not that respectful or interested in you. 😕 And when you don’t bring it up either, but just play along and pretend everything is fine, it’s a sign you don’t respect your own time. 😳

Instead of worrying that he vanished, take a few steps back and reconsider your relationship. If you’re dating a guy you think will vanish on you, you’d be better off investing your energy elsewhere. 😳 You talk about “playing along” instead of dating wisely with a goal in mind. If you want to date to re-marry, then take that goal seriously. Don’t introduce your daughter to him — he isn’t a serious boyfriend. And if he doesn’t want to upset his baby mama more than he wants to establish his relationship to you, you’ve got your answer about how he feels.

My advice is that you buy and read Think & Date Like A Man, a book I wrote for women who want to win with men — especially since you’re divorced, and reentering the dating world. 😉 Here’s the link for that book: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It’s only $8.99 and it’s an automatically downloaded e-book, so you can start reading tonight.

When you finish reading, you’ll have a much better idea of how to date in a way that gets you what you want. Right now, it seems that you want to find a man to love and marry, who feels the same way about you. After 7 months of dating, if he stands you up without explanation, and tells you he’s not going to introduce you to his child because he cares more about not upsetting his ex than he does moving forward with you, your answer is in front of you — as hard as it may be for you to accept. 😉

I hope that helps!

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[Scarlet]

This is great advice and I thank you. I do need to clarify though. These threads are about two different men. The one who brought up plans but nothing concrete is not the one with the baby mama. Maybe that doesn’t matter, but I just thought I’d clarify. As for the present one. we had a discussion about our marital histories on the first date. I was just saying I have verified because the obvious guess is that his reason for not introducing me to his son is being married. He hasn’t ever stood me up. He just didn’t contact me for 5 days. Then, last night, after I sent you the first question, he sent an email acting like nothing was the matter for not contacting me for 5 days and asked about our Friday night date night. I’m just saying I want more than weekend dates with a mid week email check in! I would expect more after 7 months with a man who claims to be “in love” with me. Do you think I should just break it off with him? If so, how? Thanks again!

[Ask April Masini]

This all depends on what you want. If you want a monogamous relationship that will lead to marriage, and this relations seems to be stuck in a rut, and you can’t budge him from his routine, then yes, you should move on. 😉 As for breaking up with him, simply explain that he’s a great guy, but that this relationship isn’t working out for you and it isn’t leading to what you want. Simple. Stay focused on what it is you want in your life.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Scarlet]

I agree with your writing to “get ready get real” on the main page – the actions you described are those of my ex-husband before we got married. That is what I want (don’t all women?), but I seem to cross paths with men who offer less for some reason. Is there some defect in those of us who are single, age 40 and above if we are never married or divorced?

There is this local, 7 month guy and a long distance (2 states away), 2 year guy.

The long distance, 2 year guy relationship progressed to the point of him wanting to see me more and agreeing to see each other once a month and take it from there. But, he has the same attitude with his grown daughters and ex-wife as 7 month guy does with his baby mama. Long distance guy seems to have more of an excuse in that his grown daughters sided with the mother in the divorce, the grown daughters have told him they want nothing to do with any women he dates post-divorce, and he seems to be living a constant effort to “win them back.”

I told long distance guy he wants a different type of relationship than I do and so I can’t see him anymore. He still calls me a few times a week and hints at seeing each other again and I just ignore his efforts. Am I wrong to even take his calls?

Do I have stop seeing both guys in order to try and meet someone new?

It is so difficult to re-enter the dating world after being married most of your adult life! Thanks!

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]I agree with your writing to “get ready get real” on the main page – the actions you described are those of my ex-husband before we got married. That is what I want (don’t all women?), but I seem to cross paths with men who offer less for some reason. Is there some defect in those of us who are single, age 40 and above if we are never married or divorced?[/quote]

No, this is not a defect, but it can be a culture shock if you’ve been out of the dating world for a decade or more, and then re-enter. Things have changed. For instance, there is a lot more competition, and if you’re not meeting 20 new men each day, then you’re not working hard enough at finding Mr. Right. I know that that number may sound daunting, but if you smile, make small talk and consider everyone in your life, you’ll see that you have more resources at hand than you realized! 😉

[quote]I told long distance guy he wants a different type of relationship than I do and so I can’t see him anymore. He still calls me a few times a week and hints at seeing each other again and I just ignore his efforts. Am I wrong to even take his calls?[/quote]

Yes. You are wrong because you’re wasting your time and his. You have to really focus on what you want and go for it. I’m not sure if I advised you to buy and read[b] Think & Date Like A Man[/b], a book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep Mr. Right, but now is the time for you to definitely do so! Here’s the link where you can buy the book: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. Buy it and read it — it’s going to help you. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

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