[Ask April Masini]

Be truthful, but positive. Men don’t want to date women who are depressed and complaining. They want a woman who has her act together and sees challenges, not problems. 😉 Keep your answer upbeat, without lying. He may also be trying to gauge how long you’ve been dating, and if it’s a long time, why you’ve been dating a long time without re-marrying. In other words, sometimes questions aren’t calling for a pat answer as much as they’re a getting to know you “talking point”. 😉

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[Scarlet]

What If I just say, “Sure, I like the dating game. How about you?”

Also, should I return a telephone call from a guy if he doesn’t leave a message? If so, what is the acceptable time frame for calling him back? The long distance guy I’ve been talking about since the very beginning called me last night but did not leave a message. We have actually had many subsequent dates and he did finally tell me he loves me, but he still hasn’t introduced me to his family and had gone a while without calling. What should I do? Thanks.

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]What If I just say, “Sure, I like the dating game. How about you?”[/quote]

Put yourself in his shoes. If this is a guy you met online, on a dating site, you have to understand that he’s looking at at least 50 other profiles and probably more like 150. If you want his attention, you should focus on getting it. 😉 Online dating is great — but it can be a big waste of time if you just spin your wheels and don’t take it seriously. 🙂

[quote]Also, should I return a telephone call from a guy if he doesn’t leave a message? [/quote]

If he doesn’t leave a message, what, exactly, are you returning? I’m stumped…..

[quote]If so, what is the acceptable time frame for calling him back?[/quote]

There is no acceptable time frame to return a message that doesn’t exist! 😉

[quote]The long distance guy I’ve been talking about since the very beginning called me last night but did not leave a message. We have actually had many subsequent dates and he did finally tell me he loves me, but he still hasn’t introduced me to his family and had gone a while without calling. What should I do? Thanks[/quote]

I think that this is the guy you’ve now been dating long distance for 2.5 years. If he hasn’t introduced you to his family, and hasn’t called in a while, he’s not that interested in you. If you want a man who’s interested in a committed, monogamous relationship that will lead to marriage, he doesn’t seem to be the one. If you’re just interested in having men in your life so you don’t have to appear single or feel lonely, then you’ll probably keep him around, but if he’s not calling or introducing you to his family, there’s not anything for you TO do — except to move on and find someone who’s more compatible. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[Scarlet]

What is the best way to respond when a guy asks you what your schedule is like on a given day if you want to go out with him? In this case, he sent me an email asking what my schedule is like on Sunday. I know we are all supposed to be busy, so saying it is wide open wouldn’t work. What should I say?

[Ask April Masini]

It really depends on:

a) who the guy is
b) what the context is
c) how interested in him you are
d) what else is going on in your life

If a guy you’ve been dating for a while asks your plans on Sunday it’s a lot different than someone you’ve never dated before asking your plans on a Sunday. Or if a guy you’re really on the fence about asks, as a opposed to a guy you’ve been dreaming about for a year now, and he’s finally called!

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[Scarlet]

He’s just a guy I met on an online dating site. He lives a couple of hours away, so that’s probably why he picked Sunday. We’ve been corresponding for a while and just moved off-site. I’d like to meet him to see if there’s any chemistry. But he asked what my schedule is like…not whether I’m free…so, should I answer under these circumstances?

[Ask April Masini]

I’d pass on this one — or at least play a little harder to get. 😎 You’ve been dating for quite some time, and you’ve written that you don’t really enjoy the dating game, so it’s important for you to not spin your wheels and waste energy, but instead really make sure he’s filtered — especially since you’re a single mother. Someone who lives a couple of hours away might not be as compatible as someone who’s closer to you — especially if he’s a single parent, too. Instead of meeting to figure out if there’s chemistry, first, make sure he’s really compatible and not just “some guy” from an online site.

A guy who asks your schedule for Sunday isn’t the same as someone who’s excited about you and is trying to win you over. This exchange, or at least the way you’ve described it, feels more like a business arrangement than a prospective Mr. Right. 😉

I hope that helps!

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[Scarlet]

He’s actually not the one who asked if I enjoy the dating game. That was Jeff. I dodged the question and never heard back from Jeff.

This guy, Rob, mentioned meeting a couple of weeks ago and we agreed to do so once he got back from out of town. This is the first weekend since. Since I’ve already agreed to meet in theory, do you still think I should now decline in practice? I’m looking at Rob’s email from yesterday now. The exact wording is “What is your schedule like this Sunday?”

I was thinking of something like, “pretty busy, but I do have some time Sunday afternoon.” What do you think?

[Ask April Masini]

I’m not sure what you mean when you say that you’ve agreed to a date ‘in theory’. 😯 But not ‘in practice’. From where I sit, he either asked you out on a date and you accepted — or he didn’t. Dating shouldn’t be academic. 😕 If you’ve agreed to a date, and have since decided he’s not right for you, rather than waste your time and his, you can decline or make something up. At this point it’s not last minute. If he didn’t ask you out on a date, then there’s nothing to consider. I hope that helps. 🙂

This doesn’t have to be so complicated. 🙁

I know you said you bought and read [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b], [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], but I really think you need to read it again. 😉 There are some basics for finding, getting and keeping Mr. Right that I think you could get a lot from re-reading the book. There are details in there that if you read carefully, and for some people, more than once or twice, they’ll help you be successful. 😉

I’m going to re-print my last piece of advice to you — I think you glossed over it, instead of taking it in. I know you’re a busy single-mother with a career, and you dot have a lot of time to date, but that’s exactly why it’s important to take this process as seriously as you would others in your life. You can end up wasting a lot of precious time (especially as a single parent) on dating without thinking, dating sloppily or not dating strategically. 😉

[quote]…I’d pass on this one — or at least play a little harder to get. 😎 You’ve been dating for quite some time, and you’ve written that you don’t really enjoy the dating game, so it’s important for you to not spin your wheels and waste energy, but instead really make sure he’s filtered — especially since you’re a single mother. Someone who lives a couple of hours away might not be as compatible as someone who’s closer to you — especially if he’s a single parent, too. Instead of meeting to figure out if there’s chemistry, first, make sure he’s really compatible and not just “some guy” from an online site.

A guy who asks your schedule for Sunday isn’t the same as someone who’s excited about you and is trying to win you over. This exchange, or at least the way you’ve described it, feels more like a business arrangement than a prospective Mr. Right. 😉 …[/quote]

Slow down. Refocus on what you want. And date smart — not just for quantity. 🙂

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[Scarlet]

Okay, I’ll read it again, paying special attention to what I’ve already highlighted.

I feel like I’ve dated a lot of men since getting divorced. My mother says I was picky enough the first time around! I had no idea it would be this difficult to meet another Mr. Right!

How long is “quite some time” for dating between marriages? I left my ex-husband in 2009 and the divorce went through in 2010, so that’s only 4 years. I admit it makes me feel put down that he got remarried before I did (which is the opposite of what I would have predicted based upon our dating histories before meeting each other).

I thought the key was to stay in circulation, thereby meeting as many new people as possible. I attend business and social functions (like the wine tasting I’m attending Saturday night), but the biggest problem is that 99% of the men I meet are already married (and therefore completely off limits).

I’ve also tried online dating. The most recent guy whom I was quite interested in was the one I got upset about not getting around to asking me out. When he finally did, he traveled two hours from his location to mine, but we just didn’t have the chemistry in person that we had online. That was frustrating because except for that ultra important ingredient, he was perfect!

If I meet a someone like this guy Rob and we click as friends, then at least maybe I’d meet a single guy through him? That’s actually how my brother in law met my sister.

If it worked for my brother in law, why can’t it work for me?

[Ask April Masini]

I was just trying to help you — when you wrote in a prior post that you were not enjoying the dating game, I took note! And I’ve noticed that you write me more frequently than other people with micro-managing questions, as well as your concerns about meeting 20 new men a day, and being a single parent with a career that limits your time — I was just trying to help you date more efficiently by editing out people you might get emotionally involved with, but who were going to waste your energy, instead of filtering carefully and only dating those who seemed like a good match. But if you like being out in circulation, and don’t mind the energy involved, and it doesn’t get you down to to be dating a lot, the way it might some people — then that’s great!

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[Scarlet]

You are very helpful and I am very grateful for your help 🙂 You have a point – I am allowing myself to get emotionally involved with guys with whom I do not see a future for one reason or the other. The two year LDR can’t stop talking about ex-wife is one example and the commitment-phobe guy is another I will re-read the book this weekend. The reason I have so many micromanaging questions is that I’m finding it very difficult to adjust to modern dating. Dating seemed easy when I last dated back in the 80’s, but it is very difficult to get adjusted to online dating, emails and texts! For example, there is another guy, Lane, I’ve met online and he says he wants to meet in person after he returns from his business trip. He signed his latest email “Hope you are having a great week, and you are setting aside some time for face to face discussion and some fun.” So how am I supposed to react to that? I thought about your “playing hard to get suggestion” and responded with a friendly “welcome back” email, but did not address getting together specifically. Was that the correct response? It is difficult for me to know whether I am leading the charge versus not giving enough encouragement because being online deprives us of nonverbal cues such as facial expressions and other indications of what’s going on with the other person such as tone of voice. It is very frustrating! Does that make sense?

[Ask April Masini]

The most important part of dating is to know what you want. It feels like you’re more concerned with being in circulation than focusing in on Mr. Right, and because you’re a working, single mother, you’re giving yourself a harder time dating than you need to. 😳 Know what you want, why your first marriage failed and how you want to do things differently now that you have a child at stake, not just your own romance and life on the table, and what you have to offer — and don’t just meet men because they want to — only spend your valuable energy when there is truly a chance that this person is compatible with you. You’ll stop asking for so much micro-managing when you do that. It’s the hard work, and most people shy away from hard work, even focusing on micromanaging dating in order to distract themselves from the hard work — but if you don’t do it, you’ll waste time and opportunity. 😉

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[Scarlet]

How is the best way to describe yourself when asked to do so?

I’ve been communicating online with a new guy, Ed and so far he seems compatible. I got this email from Ed:

[i]Well, we made it to the “Open Communication” stage . . . Go us!

I’ve enjoyed reading your responses and am looking forward to getting to know you a little better.

Tell me a little more about yourself. [b]HOW WOULD YOUR BEST FRIEND DESCRIBE YOU TO ME?[/b][/i]

I don’t really know how my best friend would describe me to him. How should I answer such a question?

[Ask April Masini]

I don’t know you, or your best friend, so I can’t answer that question for you! 😆

Since you know your best friend and have no idea how she would answer, 😯 you should probably be honest and tell him what you wrote here — that you don’t know.

The point of these online dating communications that allow you to get to know someone and decide if they’re right for you or not, is to be honest, so you don’t present someone you’re not, and waste time. Keep that in mind when you’re responding, and when you’re reading what guys write to you. 😉

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