[Scarlet]

I just got a text from him which says, “Hello! Hope that you are having a good day. Since t he last time we were in contact I have some vehicle issues and they may have to take my car tomorrow evening. Can I buy you lunch tomorrow? It would be a part personal business and pleasure lunch….if you are available. Let me know if you can…thanks.

What should do?

[Ask April Masini]

It all depends on what you want. 😉

It seems like you keep asking me questions that I think you can probably answer yourself if you slow down and think about what you want, and how to get it. 😀 I’m happy to help you out with relationship questions, but it sounds like you’re looking for micro-managing. And guess what? I wrote the same thing to you in March of this year — that you’re looking for micromanagement advice.

[quote]Know what you want, why your first marriage failed and how you want to do things differently now that you have a child at stake, not just your own romance and life on the table, and what you have to offer — and don’t just meet men because they want to — only spend your valuable energy when there is truly a chance that this person is compatible with you. You’ll stop asking for so much micro-managing when you do that. It’s the hard work, and most people shy away from hard work, even focusing on micromanaging dating in order to distract themselves from the hard work — but if you don’t do it, you’ll waste time and opportunity.[/quote]

I feel a little bit like a broken record because I’ve suggested that you buy and read, [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b]n: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] over half a dozen times here because I think that given the amount of help you’re looking for, the book will help you get focused so you can gain the self-esteem and independence to answer questions about dating yourself. Sometimes, simply re-reading the whole thing, or chapters of it, will help educate you on dating, so you don’t need so much micro-management from me, and others. 😉 It seems like a big issue you’re having is staying focused on what you want, and slowing down long enough to gain self-confidence so you can answer your own questions, which is what will be most valuable for you in the long run.

I’m happy to be here for you, but I may be doing you a disservice by enabling you with answers to these questions, rather than asking you to slow down and answer the questions yourself, and come to me with the [i]real stumper[/i]s. 😉

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[Scarlet]

I recently met a new guy and we’ve been on two dates. Last night during date #2, he asked me, “Are we dating?” To me the answer is yes, we are going out on dates! But he seemed to be asking it as a loaded question. He followed up with a remark that he’s a one woman guy. I didn’t really say anything since I was surprised at such 2nd date conversation and didn’t know how to respond. I had the feeling that his follow up response was asking me whether I’m seeing anyone else, which I am. I’m still seeing the never-married guy with the babymana and unshared values. This new guy seems like a great person who is twice divorced, his second divorce only being 16 months ago. I’d like to get to know him better before rushing into anything, although I do recognize that the never married babymana and I probably have no future and the new guy and I may have. The key difference is that the new guy acts more “into me” (more frequent contact, gushing about feelings) than the never married guy, whom I’ve been dating for 1.5 years. I told new guy that I’m interested in him and excited about dating him, but want to take things slow. I feel like I’m somehow misleading new guy, which makes me feel badly. What should I do? Does wanting to pursue things with new guy require that I break things off with never-married guy? Thanks

[Ask April Masini]

The new guy wants to find out if you’re dating anyone else because he’s not someone who plays the field. It sounds like he’s a serial monogamist. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s just who he is. (And who you’re not!) Of course, you’ve already put your finger on the potential issue — he could end up committing to someone he doesn’t know well, too soon, and that’s what you want to avoid. But if you tell him that you’ve been seeing someone else for a year and a half, he’s probably going to move on because whether you admit it or not, you’re in a relationship with a guy — even though you admit that you don’t share values with your boyfriend. Dating someone for a year and a half is a commitment of sorts. 😉 If you don’t tell this new guy about your year and a half long boyfriend, and he finds out later, he may feel betrayed. But that’s assuming you’re still dating him after a few months.

My advice is not to lie. But at the same time, after only a few dates, you don’t have to disclose too much — especially if you don’t know if you want to continue dating him. See how the dating with this new guy goes, and if he brings it up again, then you should probably come clean and be honest. But if it doesn’t, wait until you’re truly interested in him for the long term, and then let him know that you’ve got a boyfriend you’ve been seeing for the last one to two years.

I hope that helps!

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[Scarlet]

What I’m trying to do is take your advice and really focus on my goal – to get remarried. Thing is, I don’t want to get re-divorced! So I’m trying to be really careful about my choices. While babydaddy and I are very compatable for dating (we get along great!), I’m not so sure we are compatable for marriage, for many reasons, not the least of which is that I don’t think he really believes in it and if he married me it would be to keep me from leaving the relationship rather than because he wants to be married. That’s not a good enough reason. And I don’t want to date getting cutesy rather than mushy cards from babydaddy the rest of my life. On the other hand, I just don’t know this new guy well enough to draw conclusions. I know he’s twice divorced. He said the first wife was an alcoholic. He said that the second marriage ended because he got depressed, grew apart from his second wife, and then the second wife left him for another man. Everyone has baggage, including me. I don’t want to be dishonest with anyone. I really like and respect new guy. I don’t want to lose him! But I think it is prudent to go on more than 2 dates before I make a decision to throw out everything else and devote myself to a guy a barely know. How many dates do you think one should go on before being exclusive?

[Scarlet]

PS : Question #1 – How many dates is reasonable before deciding to exclusive>

Question #2: Also, baby daddy sends me cutesy cards that he doesn’t even sign “love, followed by his name” Never mushy cards or declarations of love. He’ll tell me he loves me, but seems to need a hint first. Also, he’s always telling me how he doesn’t want me to need him. Moreover, after my ex-husband got re-married I told babydaddy that I had experienced a lot of pain over the remarriage and realized that it is not because I miss him, but because I miss “it.” I told him that when a person gets married he/she should feel as if it is the best thing they’ve ever done. Although he picked up our dates to 2 a week minimum versus 1 a week minimum, at the time he responded, “but I don’t feel that way” So, while on the one hand I don’t know new guy well enough after 2 dates to go exclusive, thereby ending my 1.5 year relationship with babydaddy, my second question is –

How can I let go of anything with potential in order to hold on to a life of cutesy cards and “don’t need me’s”????

[Ask April Masini]

I’ve already advised you at length on your year and a half relationship with your boyfriend who you feel is not compatible with you, so I’m just going to answer your specific questions. 😉 I think that’s the best thing.

[quote]How many dates do you think one should go on before being exclusive?[/quote]

You should date for six months before deciding to be monogamous with one person. The number of dates isn’t as accurate as the number of months because you can have 16 dates in two weeks, and it doesn’t mean you know the person as well as you would after 16 dates over six months. 😉

[quote]How can I let go of anything with potential in order to hold on to a life of cutesy cards and “don’t need me’s”????[/quote]

If you’ve dated someone for six months, and you’re not monogamous with them, you should stop wasting your time and his. 😉

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[Scarlet]

Thanks, but with regard to question #2, what I was trying to do is to explain why I’m still looking and see if you agree that I should be. When babydaddy and I had “the talk” he said he didn’t want to see anyone else, but if I felt the need to, he’d understand. What I am asking is whether I am right to feel the need to when, even though we get along very well, I don’t see him stepping up in a way to suggest he’d ever marry me I’m not even sure I’d want to marry him anyway because although he’s pretty good boyfriend material, I don’t think he really believes in marriage the way that I do. Having been married for 20 years before, I know that you really have to believe in it to keep it working (and even then there’s no guarantee as proven by the fact that my ex-husband and I got divorced)

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]What I am asking is whether I am right to feel the need to when, even though we get along very well, I don’t see him stepping up in a way to suggest he’d ever marry me I’m not even sure I’d want to marry him anyway because although he’s pretty good boyfriend material, I don’t think he really believes in marriage the way that I do. Having been married for 20 years before, I know that you really have to believe in it to keep it working (and even then there’s no guarantee as proven by the fact that my ex-husband and I got divorced)[/quote]

Your feelings are your feelings, and I can’t really tell you whether your feelings are right or wrong. 😉 They’re feelings — and they are what they are. 🙂 I did, however, comment on your behavior — I think my advice was pretty clear. 😉 Here it is, again: [quote]If you’ve dated someone for six months, and you’re not monogamous with them, you should stop wasting your time and his.[/quote]

Hope that helps!

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[Scarlet]

Rode the elevator up to work with a guy who works one floor above me in a recently renovated space. He commented that I should come see the new offices. Another person who works there already gave me a tour, which I et him know in a tactful way, but this guy says his office is the best with the best views so I still need a tour. I was carrying some flowers and he said I don’t have to bring the flowers which I hoped was flirting. My sister says he knows where I am so hold off for now. Do you agree? What, if anything, should I do?

[Scarlet]

If I should follow up (rather than do nothing as my sister suggests), then WHEN and HOW should I do it? Wait a day, a week, a month? How should I go about it? Pop by, unannounced? The nature of his work is such that he would have client conferences so it is possible to stop by at a bad time. Send an email asking whether it is a good time? Make sure the time is near lunch time, so that maybe he’ll ask me to lunch?

[Ask April Masini]

If you’re interested in him, then you should stop by! If you’re not, then don’t. Don’t send an e-mail. Just stop by when it’s convenient for you. Lunch is probably a good time not only so he can invite you to eat, if he’d like to, but also so you’re not interrupting a meeting or a deadline he may be working on. 😉

Hope that helps!

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[Scarlet]

Thanks, this is helpful. I can understand the idea of just dropping in rather than emailing so as not to make it look like a big deal. The only thing is, having been up there to see others who sublet the space, what do I say if he’s not there and the receptionist asks to take a message? I just stopped by for my tour of the new office space (which she already watched another person give me about a month ago)? Seems like a one shot deal and I’m afraid of messing up!

[Ask April Masini]

Don’t be afraid. There’s nothing to mess up. 😉 You can tell the receptionist to tell the guy that you stopped by. Nothing wrong with that! 🙂

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[Scarlet]

I met a new guy, Greg, at yoga class last night. He introduced himself after the class and made conversation. Then he invited me to join him and a friend for a bite. I think I showed interest, but didn’t really gush or provide a big explanation as to why I couldn’t go because I had reasons why I wanted to head home. Then he mentioned a Halloween event downtown tonight and asked for my phone number in case I wanted to go so we could text and find each other in the crowd. I did want to go and asked about the time because I have other plans tonight. I told him that I’d like to go, but it starts late enough to conflict with my plans tonight. I’m hoping that my interest in going to the Halloween event, wish that had it started early enough not to conflict with my plans, and giving him my phone number is enough for him to know I like him and that he will call or text me to follow up. On the other hand, I turned him down twice and he may think I’m not interested. I’d like to see him again. What should I do, or not do?

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