[awt]

Hi April. My girlfriend of two years recently broke up with me citing that we’re incompatible and doesn’t see ever being married to me. The only example I got from her was we like different things. She likes going to jazz festivals and I like to camp. My thinking is that’s how relationships work? You do your own thing and you also do stuff together. I’ve helped her the past year through school, not monitarily but I was there willing to do what it took to help. She has two children who I love like my own and who I feel I helped a great deal with also. i think her mother had a great deal of influence in her decision to break it off since there were never any major problems till she moved in with her to finish school. She says she still loves me and misses me but I’ll see this was for the best in hindsight. I’m just having a hard time dealing with it and would like some advice.

[blanford]

Im sorry about your situation. I’ve been through the exact same thing, and I’ve learned that only someones whos gone there can help.

We guys are tough and expected by society to move on without much fuss, but in reality, when we find our ideal woman and give ourselves to her, we stunned when she doesnt feel the same. It poisons our core and makes us question who we are and our identity.

Its a very lonely crushing time.

I wont give you the cliches about hanging in there or any particular advice. I will only say that you need to reconsider this from a couple other perspectives:

1. she may not actually deserve you. She may be damaged goods who cant commit. Yes, there are serial women like that out there. No way to know it before hand so dont blame yourself.

2. If she feels this way it would never have worked anyway.

3. There is no “perfect” person. If you had gotten married, you would have gone through what everyone else whose married including me has gone through—-buyers remorse period—where you discover all sorts of hidden faults and problems that annoy you to death. This is life and its messy. Dont idealize this person.

4. When I was dumped, I was lied to about another guy. IT took me a year to get over. But I made it. GIve yourself time to heal. In six months things will seem different. In the meantime get into incredible personal shape and stay out there socially and do adventurous bold things with your life.

5. After a year you’ll be ready to look again. This time, avoid every quality about this person and look for the opposite. You cannot see it now because youre still idealizing her, but dont forget if you had married that would have dissolved into reality quickly. The next time around, which you cant even contemplate right now, find someone much more stable, decisive, and sure about exactly what she wants to do. Dont waste time and money chasing after someone who cant making up their mind. A relationship should build to a crescendo. Something was wrong from the start for you, but you didnt see it. There were red flags everywhere you ignored. Im not judging you, because i did the same thing.

6. marry a wonderfully compatible woman just like i did. Avoid feminists like the plague. You need a completer not a competer. Make sure she’s emotionally and intellectually healthy and capable of riding out fights –in other words, she’s going to stick through thick and thin. Dont idealize women. It is men who have created this incredible world we live in for the most part-not women. THis is an indisputed fact, and for proof visit henry mackows site for advice. Be reaosnable and dont expect perfection. A good attraction (not a model who is narcissistic), a realistic expectation for disagreements, good communication, and mutual respect and boundaries, and both people with their own lives will make a relationship work. NOthing else.

[Cantgetitright]

You sound like you’re kinda in my boat! I helped my so called love with money to pay his cell phone and car note! and I’ve been mistreated! I tell myself over and over I can get through this! Night time is the worse! I’m all alone with my thoughts! like you are. What goes around comes around… I pray that we will both be ok! And not be bitter!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In a nutshell, you really [i]don’t[/i] want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. 😉 I don’t know how old the two of you are, but it really sounds like she has a lot of things to get straight while you’re relatively baggage free. In other words, she’s still in school, she’s got two kids, and she’s not living on her own — she’s at home with her mother. This isn’t someone who’s really ready to be in a serious relationship.

I’m sorry you’re broken hearted. As soon as you understand that she really isn’t your Ms. Right, you’ll want to get back out there and find the person who’s going to make your heart sing. 😀

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[awt]

Thank you everyone for your advice. By the way we’re both 35 and I to live with my parents after a financially devistating divorce. Her son called me up today and asked if I could come over for dinner but I declined. She wants our children to get together and play. I think I’d like that but I know in my mind it’s just to see her again right now. I know I really shouldn’t talk to her or text but it’s hard after being with her so long. I’m still confused because she says she misses and loves me. I should move on but it’s very hard for me to just give up on anyone be it friend or ex girlfriend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I absolutely understand how hard it is to break up with someone. Healing takes time. Time is a wonderful salve for the pain.

Now that I know you’re 35 and living with your parents after a difficult divorce, it really sounds like this is a good opportunity for you to get back on your own feet financially and make this break a clean one for a better chance of healing more quickly. Focus on healing yourself and you’ll feel better in time. 😀

[Member]

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