[teacher45]

I am having a dilemma of sorts and frankly I have no friends or family members I feel I can get unbiased advice from so I thought I might try this. Guy #1 and I have been involved in an on again off again relationship for almost 3 years- each time we break up I am the one initiating it- the first time it was because he lied to me (through omission) about still living with his baby’s momma. The times after that have been related to him not making me a priority (like at all) and him not communicating with me. The last time we broke up I truly believed that I was emotionally over him and I had no plans to ever talk to him again- however- wouldn’t you know we somehow began talking again. The thing is I have a very strong emotional connection to him and when things are good with us, they are perfect. But then it seems he will fall off and stop talking to me or make me feel unimportant to him- it which case I make the attempt to move on. I also have a difficult time trusting him fully and I do not know whether or not he is committed to me. At this point I have no idea if or when I’ll “get over him”. But anyway, the last time we were “off” (a period that lasted almost 6 months) I began a friendship with guy #2- we ended up sleeping together but there was never any commitment from either one of us. I even asked him at one point where he saw our relationship going- he said he would think about it but never got back to me. He also made a few comments suggesting that “you are single so you can do what you want.” Therefore, when Guy #1 re-entered my life- I didn’t feel the need to be loyal or monogamous to either one of them. I did tell Guy #2 that I had been with Guy #1 (only because he asked why I wasn’t in the gym on day so I told him why- “I was with my ex”) – he got upset and pulled away from me for a few weeks but he again made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship right now but very recently he is now acting like business as usual and making booty calls. Guy #1 does not know I have been with anyone else since him- I have said nothing to him about Guy #2. My conflict is- do I need to say anything to either of them or should I just do me? Meaning can I have my cake and eat it too? I can’t lie- this set up is great for me. But I can’t help feel like I am being dishonest or doing something wrong. I would appreciate any honest and nonjudgmental advice because I really feel stuck when it comes to this situation. I obviously like both guys and I feel like I could be a relationship work with either one them; although my emotional connection to guy #1 is stronger at this time. But I can’t help but feel that all three of us are avoiding one thing: commitment. And that being said- if all three of us are “not monogamous” why should I go into detail about my personal affairs? Isn’t that a perk of being single? You don’t have to answer to anyone?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re a little confused about what you want — and that’s the root of what’s making you uncomfortable. You want your cake and to eat it, too, but you also wrote that you’ve been dating the first guy off and on for three years, but during that time, you’ve broken up because he didn’t make you a priority — which sounds like you wanted to be one, or to have some sort of commitment from him beyond what he was giving you. You also got upset when he didn’t let you know he was living with another woman while he was dating you, which also indicates that you do want a commitment. No judgment from me — whether you want a commitment or not isn’t a problem — but if you want both, a commitment and no commitment, at the same time, you’re going to be uncomfortable, and that’s what’s happening.

Certainly, you don’t owe anyone an explanation of who you’re dating and when — just don’t lead anyone on (including yourself) to thinking that there is a commitment, or that you want one, when there isn’t, or you don’t!

Hope that helps.

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[teacher45]

Yes! Thank you that does help a lot- thank you for your response.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

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