[khlicht]

So I found out a month ago that my girlfriend of 1 year and 9 months cheated on me. She didn’t actually sleep with the guy. They just kissed. I’m sure it’s nothing more than that because I read her conversation with a girlfriend of hers. Plus, I contacted the other guy through facebook and he confirmed this. So when I confronted her about it she denied it at first and she kept denying it and she even swore that she never cheated on me until I told her that I saw the conversation. She then started crying and crying and pleading and begging me to forgive her and she is telling me that it was a mistake and that she loves me.
They basically kissed 3 times. All 3 times were when we weren’t physically in the same country. The 1st time was 8 months into our relationship (she had a 3 month internship in London). She only kissed him once then and felt that she did a mistake although she saw him multiple times after that (she has lots of friends in common with him there). The 2nd and 3rd time were just about a month ago with the same guy in London (we have been doing long distance since 1 month as she is doing her 10 months long Masters in London and she was certainly coming back when she’s done). And now I find out about all of this and I feel devastated and broken hearted!

Now the thing is that I haven’t been very loyal with her either in the past but she doesn’t know that although she had some doubts! I cheated on her a couple of times with 3 different girls and it went further than just kissing with 1 of the girls. But when all of that happened with me, I felt so confused and I thought to myself that I’m better off being single and I broke up with my girlfriend 1 year into our relationship without telling her that I cheated. I just said that I don’t want to be in a serious relationship and that our future is uncertain since we most probably won’t be living in the same country in the future. She hated me for doing this to her and we broke up on bad terms. But 2 months while I’m broken up with her(she started going out with a guy immediately after me and her broke up), I realized that I truly love her and miss her so much and that she is the love of my life. So I decided that I wanted her back and decided that I will never ever cheat on her again because I really love her so much. And I was so happy that she took me back because she also realized how much she loves me(she dumped the other guy who was just a rebound as she is saying).
P.S: I didn’t know that she went out with another guy while we were off until after we got back together but I wasn’t very mad about this.
And I actually never ever cheated on her since (it has been 8 months since we got back together) and never even came close or thought about cheating on her and I knew that I never will as long as I am with her. I actually really love her now.
So now I feel really devastated about this even though I know that I don’t have the right to since I have done worse than her ! (but not lately). I am now so disappointed and broken hearted while she is begging me to forgive her and promising me that she will do anything for me and assuring me time and again that this other guy means nothing to her, that she could have never slept with him, that it was just a curiosity thing, that it was a mistake and I am the one she loves with all her heart and she actually deleted him from all her contacts. Plus, me and her are not in the same country now and we won’t be till 8 months from now (although she will be visiting a few times for just a couple of days) which makes things even harder! I don’t know what to do and I am so lost and I’m wondering if you have good advice for me! Is it possible that we both love each other but we both cheated on each other?

Other details that might be important:
– I was her first (she was a virgin before me, or at least that is what she tells me and I don’t know how to be sure if I am really her first) which makes this really weird! I mean how could she cheat on the guy who is her first?
– I am pretty sure that she didn’t cheat on me with somebody else or sleep with someone after me
– I am 24 years old and she is 23 currently.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Long distance relationships are not for everyone. It sounds like the distance is bringing out problems between the two of you and the symptom of those problems is the cheating. In other words, it’s not the cheating that’s the big problem — it’s the distance.

Since you’ve both cheated multiple times during the year and a half you’ve been together, and you don’t sound like you completely trust her and it sounds like she has reasons not to trust you, I can’t advise you that this relationship is going to last, and while it does, it’s not going to be a healthy or peaceful one. 😳

My advice is that you both find other people to date who live close enough to you that you can forge steady relationships while close by instead of far away.

I hope that helps.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[khlicht]

Thank you for your reply. What I told her is that after this, there is no way that we can still be together at long distance and that there is no trust anymore. Now even though she is doing everything so that I forgive her and stay together on long distance, she is understanding that it is a lost cause on my part. So what she’s asking me now is if there would be any hope for us to be together again when she comes back in 8 months time. And she promised that even if we won’t be together all this time, she won’t kiss or go out with any guy there because I am the one she wants and she is going to wait for me (although I won’t have any proofs other than her words that she actually didn’t kiss or go out with another guy in this period). But all she wants from me is to give her this hope.

What do you think I should do? What should I tell her? Should I consider getting back together with her 8 months from now when she will be back for good?

Also, she will be coming for vacation for 2 weeks during xmas time and she really wants to see me and talk to me. Should I do that? and I’m sure I will be tempted to hang out with her and hug/kiss/sleep with her during that period even though I don’t want to get back together with her on long distance (and I’m definitely not going to get back together with her on long distance once she leaves right after new years)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s very difficult to make a commitment for eight months from now, given your circumstances, so I think the best thing you can do is to be honest and tell her you just don’t know where you’re going to be in eight months or if you’re going to be dating someone else or not. Tell her that you can’t promise her anything and that you’re going to be moving on.

Because you sound sure that you want to move on, there’s really no reason for you to get together with her during the two weeks she’s in town over the holidays. You already know it will turn into a fling that causes complications emotionally. It’s a lot better if you declare yourself single and see what else is out there for you, and try to find someone who’s more compatible. 😉

I hope this helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[khlicht]

Thank you yes I think you are right.
The thing is that I’m sure about not doing the long distance relationship anymore. I realize now how difficult it is and how it does more bad than good. But how about 8 months from now, let’s say I will be single and she will be back for good, is this relationship good for another shot?
I know how much I love this girl and I’m sure I still will 8 months from now even if I go out and fool around with other girls during that time (unless of course I find a compatible girl who is worth a serious relationship). And I’m pretty sure she loves me back despite what she did (for example, when I contacted the other guy through facebook, he told me that she didn’t want to sleep with him although he wanted to and that she always speaks about me to him and tells him how much she loves me and how she will never find someone like me). And from my part, even if I cheated on her a couple of times in the first year of our relationship, back then I wasn’t sure about my relationship with her. But after that, I realized how much I love her with my whole heart and never cheated on her again! (re-read my first post for the details if you forgot)
What do you think, is this relationship good for another shot 8 months from now if I am single then?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]It’s very difficult to make a commitment for eight months from now, given your circumstances, so I think the best thing you can do is to be honest and tell her you just don’t know where you’re going to be in eight months or if you’re going to be dating someone else or not. [/quote]

[khlicht]

yes ok I understood that and this is what I will tell her. But I was asking this question just for myself. I’m asking if someday this relationship has the possibility to work again or is it damaged forever and I should just completely forget about it.

One more thing, but I’m not sure if this is a topic that you deal with. But I will go ahead and ask you about it. So basically, now when I caught her about this, all kind of thoughts are running through my head and trying to find out what else she lied to me about. But there is one thing that is really tormenting me a lot. I’m wondering a lot now if I was really her first or she lied about this! Let me give you some background about this: Ever since the first week together, she told me that she was a virgin. After 6 months together, we had sex. But I wonder now if she was really a virgin. She didn’t bleed at all when we did it, she did feel pain (but not a lot) but she could have been acting. And on my part, it was tight when I penetrated but not very difficult. I don’t really recall the difference between the 1st time and the 100th or so that we had sex together for example. She told me the next day that she is bleeding but I didn’t actually see it.
Now the thing is that she was in a relationship with someone before me for 2 years. I always found it weird how she never had sex with him but she had sex with me after “only” 6 months. And I actually asked her why, she said that she just didn’t feel it with the other guy and that he was more like a friend to her (but then again, why did she stay with him for 2 years?)
How can I know for sure that she was a virgin?? :s Do you think it is a good idea if I try to get in touch secretly with her ex on facebook and ask him?
Just for the record, I don’t care at all whether she was a virgin or not before me. What I care about is that if she lied to me about it! It wouldn’t have mattered at all to me if she had just told me that she wasn’t a virgin!
I never thought about this thing because I always trusted her. But now, after what happened, I’m thinking that it’s very probable that she lied to me about her virginity!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]How can I know for sure that she was a virgin?? :s[/quote]

You can’t. And you shouldn’t care. You both lied to each other. On several occasions. Over important things. There’s not a basis for truth or trust here. Stop digging up old dirt and let go and move on. 🙂

[quote] Do you think it is a good idea if I try to get in touch secretly with her ex on facebook and ask him?[/quote]

No. This is stalker behavior. Move on.

And next time around, work on being truthful in your own life — and choosing someone who’s truthful in hers, too. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[khlicht]

Thank you so much April for all your advice. You are really helping me out a lot!

I just have one last question (I hope). So basically now after she leaves town after her Xmas break, I’m sure that she will stay in touch with me, that she will call me maybe every day, send me msgs, emails and stuff like that because she wants to keep the hope alive of us being together again in 8 months time.
What do you think my attitude should be towards her? Should I blow her off and tell her it’s better not to speak anymore and for her not to call me anymore or should I keep matters in a friendly way and just answer her and talk to her in a nice (but not boyfriend/girlfriend like) way?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Just let go and move on. Staying friendly with her — or trying to befriend her — isn’t going to make things easier for either one of you. Oh — and focus on honesty. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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