[Anonymous]

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend from high school for two years. He makes me incredibly happy and I love him to death, but at the same time, we’ve been bickering non-stop, especially over the last year. Normally the bickering would improve whenever we were together again but this summer, we could not stop bickering. A lot of it was because we couldn’t be intimate since he’s afraid his parents will come home at any minute, and this paranoia really frustrated me. He’s back at school to take classes so I only saw him for two weeks (last summer he was home the whole time and I think this really helped). We’ve been stressing each other out non-stop and the fighting just never ends. We always make up in the end because we are so in love, but then the bickering will start up again just a day or two later. I sometimes think he takes me for granted–he was invited to stay with us in Florida this weekend for a super fun family reunion, but he didn’t want to go even though all expenses would be paid for because ‘family intimidates him.’ I know this is the case for a lot of people, including myself, but after two years shouldn’t he be sucking it up already?? Especially if it means he’d get to see me for the only time possible all summer?? We are taking our first “break” and not talking for the week. He started sobbing and tried to end the break two different times, which makes this even harder for me, but it seems like in the past, whenever he got scared about where our relationship was headed, he would do the same thing. And then the bickering would start again just days later, once he was comfortable again. Am I overreacting? What do you do when you constantly fight with someone and they make you feel sad so often, yet also bring more happiness to you than anyone else ever has?

[Ask April Masini]

Love is one thing, but non-stop bickering isn’t healthy, and you can’t have a healthy love relationship with all that fighting. The way to stop the fighting is for one of you — in this case you since you’re writing for advice — to not bicker with the other. When someone doesn’t give you something to fight against there is no fight. So if you can stop engaging with him in any and every negative way, the bickering will dissolve. This is going to be harder for you than it sounds, but if you’re committed to changing your behavior for the good of this relationship and every other one than may be part of your future, it’s a good investment.

That said, you’re definitely being hard on him, and I think the bickering is coming because you don’t want to not have your way. This isn’t going to make any relationship easy. 😳 He’s absolutely justified at being afraid his parents will walk in on you having sex in his parents’ house, and rather than get mad at him, you should really respect that. There’s nothing worse to kill the mood than anxiety, so ease up on him in that regard.

Also, you’re not being very understanding of his not being ready to meet your family or spend weekends with — even with all expenses paid. He’s feeling pushed into a commitment, or if not that, at least a serious relationship that he’s not ready for. Rather than get frustrated that he should be over his intimidation by your family, why not respect that and let HIM be the one to make the overtures for seeing you — it’s a lot easier to see where you stand when the guy does the asking out and inviting. 😕

I hope that helps — and that you’ll join me on Facebook — I want to hear from you there, too! The link to go there is right here: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Anonymous]

Thanks April, I didn’t realize I was the one causing a lot of the problems. My friends of course kept talking about how all of their boyfriends go on trips, etc. but I know it’s easier for a friend to just act like it’s not you that’s in the wrong. I also need to accept that life isn’t a movie and that I can’t expect him to fly down to see me when he’ll be around relatives he’s only met once or twice. I guess two years just seemed like such a long time to me since we’re so young and I thought we were already pretty committed. After how long then would you say I should be worried about him never coming to visit me? And should I stop flying up there to see him if he never makes an effort to see me? We talk for hours every day, which I guess is all you need to have a relationship with someone, but I can’t help but have hurt feelings.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad I was able to help. 😀 You’re right — friends don’t always tell you the cold, harsh truth because they don’t want to hurt your feelings with what you don’t want to hear. I don’t want to hurt your feelings either, but I think it’s more important for you to know what’s happening so you can make your own, informed decisions in your relationships. 🙂

You didn’t say how old either one of you was, but I can tell you that you should pay attention to your boyfriend’s actions more than his words. He may not be as committed or as involved in the relationship as you are, and while he may love you, if he’s not ready for what you’re ready for, there’s no good reason to push him. It [i]will [/i]backfire. You’re not too young to read Think & Date Like A Man, which you can buy for only $15.95 at this link (it downloads immediately so you can start reading in a flash): [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. This book is going to give you a lot of good advice that most people your age don’t have — so if you read it you’re going to be [i]way[/i] ahead of the game, and dating[b] IS[/b] a game that can be won or lost. ❗

One of the principles of dating to get the guy means letting him do the chasing for the pure reason that men love to chase women, and what you don’t realize is that when you fly down there to visit him without his reciprocating or sending you a ticket or begging you to do so — you’re taking the opportunity for him to chase you away from him. 😮 You’ll also get to know where he really stands with you if you back off and let him take the lead. You may not like what you see, but it’s much better to get the truth in a relationship and not waste your time on someone who’s not into you, then spend years on a guy who isn’t going to commit to you the way you want.

I hope that helps further — let me know what happens. And join me on Facebook. I’d truly love to see you there. Here’s that link: [url][/url]. 😀

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