[VIRI]

Dear April,

I’ve been dating a guy for 5 months now. I’m 26 and he’s 30. At first, everything was cool & easy and now that things are getting serious I’m having cold feet 🙄 . I feel like there’s a heavy load on my heart that i can hardly breathe everytime i think that I’ll be spending the rest of my days with him. It’s worth mentioning that I initiated this relationship. I knew that he liked me, but he was very careful about approaching me coz a common friend of ours also had feelings for me. My bf is a wonderful guy, caring, understanding, mature, loving, generous, and family-oriented. He loves me deeply 🙂 . Maybe the thing that is making me hesitate is the fact that I don’t love him as much as he loves me. After going through a heartbreak I find it hard to love someone the way I first did 🙁 . And by love I mean the kind that makes you live in lala land. I have feelings for my bf, but it’s not the kind of love that makes it hard for someone to fix his/her feet on the ground and I don’t know if that’s enough 2 get married & start a family. The only relationship I’ve been in before was a long distance one & that makes me wonder if I had my ex with me the whole time I would have seen things more clearly & had the same kind of hesitation coz usually when someone is out of sight we tend to idealize him/her. I know my bf would do anything to see me happy, but for some reason I find it hard 2 feel as happy as I used to feel with my ex, eventhough my ex used 2 make me extremely sad most of the time. I was physically attracted to my ex. That’s not the case with my current bf. I feel so shallow writing these words, 😳 but I’m being honest. My ex was a jerk & now I’ve a great guy by my side & I’m still hesitating. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel that there’s a battle going inside my chest. It’s a mess in there.

Thank you in advance

[Ask April Masini]

Please post your questions in the Q&A forum from now on — but since you’re here, I’m happy to answer your question:

You may feel like a mess, but you don’t sound like one. You’re right that a long distance relationship is very different from one where you see the other person regularly, face to face. In fact, being married to someone can be even more unglamorous after living together and seeing each other every day in almost every situation you can imagine — the bloom comes off the rose, but that’s not the end of the romance. Love goes through different stages, from the infatuation stage to the realistic stage to the mature love stage. Without the latter, no relationship will last. So buckle up for the rest of your life, because that feeling you talk about, where your feet need weights to ground you from your heady feelings of love, is supposed to be temporary. You can’t get through real life like that.

If what you really want is marriage and children, then it’s important for at least one of you to be very grounded and realistic. I’m not really seeing a problem from what you describe except that maybe, deep down in your heart, you’re not ready to be committed in a marriage that leads to family with children. And because your boyfriend is ready for that, and is steering the relationship in that direction, you’re uncomfortable. It’s important to be honest about that with yourself, and your boyfriend. If that is the case, then taking things slow is the solution.

On the other hand, if your boyfriend is just not the one for you, then staying with him will make you feel anxious and eventually angry.

To get to the root of the problem, consider what it is you really want in your life — first, for yourself. Then, assuming a partner is one of those things you want, figure out what role you want a partner to play in your life, and what you want that life to look like. Reality is often a lot different that broad strokes of a fantasy life.

And lastly, understand that all relationships (just like good cars) require regular, routine maintenance to keep them running well. Even keeping your sex life interesting can be work! ❗ I know it doesn’t seem like something that comes so naturally to the beginning of the relationship should require maintaining, but after years together (or even months), some couples need to spice things up to keep the bedroom hot. (And I don’t mean using the thermostat!).

I have a book for couples called Romantic Date Ideas that you can buy here [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. The book will give you step by step ideas and advice on spicing up things in the bedroom. It’s a great relationship aid (that doesn’t require batteries! 😉 ).

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

[VIRI]

Dear April,

Thank you so much for your helpful advice. I agree with you that I’m not yet ready for commitment & I did my best to be honest & tell my bf about my concerns without hurting his feelings & as I expected he was very understanding & supportive & promised that he will help me get over my fears because he loves me & all he wants is to see me happy. He told me that we don’t need to rush things & that the most important thing in a relationship is open communication & as long as we can honestly open up to each other & share our concerns we will always find solutions & strengthen our bond.
I just have one more weird question. Why is it that when he’s away from me I feel that I love him more than when he’s with me? Even though I enjoy his company a lot & look forward to being with him, my feelings are stronger & more exciting when he’s away & they fade away once I’m with him 🙁 How normal is that?

[Ask April Masini]

Before I answer your question, I want to comment on something you wrote that appears to me as a flashing yellow light. “I did my best to be honest and tell my boyfriend about my concerns [b][i]without hurting his feelings[/i][/b]…”

Warning! Warning! Being honest in an intimate relationship, means that sometimes you’re going to hurt the other person’s feelings, and it’s more important that you be honest and hurt their feelings, at this stage of intimacy, than that you hold back your true thoughts in order to protect that person. Your boyfriend is not your child. He can take it — whatever it is you’re feeling. If you start treating him like a child and trying to “protect” him from your feelings, you’re going to start a dynamic where you act like the parent, and he gets to be the kid. Bad idea! 👿 Especially since marriage and a future together is on your plate. If he can’t take your feelings, then he’s the wrong guy, and if you can’t tell him your feelings, you’ve got a problem.

Ironically, when you do take a risk and tell someone with whom you’re intimate, how you REALLY feel, you can bring the relationship into an exponentially deeper level of love, trust and romance. These are called breakthroughs in a relationship. When risky truths are revealed, and the admissions invoke a greater level of trust and respect. So, take the risk. Your boyfriend can deal with it, from what you’ve told me about him. Can you? ❓ ❓

Now, for your question: There’s a little saying that you may be familiar with: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That’s what you’re describing when you tell me that you feel more romantic sometimes, when he’s away, than when he’s with you. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s normal. In fact, it goes hand and hand with your original feelings that your last boyfriend, who was a long distance relationship, felt more passionate than this one which is more realistic and face to face. Listen. Day to day life isn’t that glamorous. Movies, novels and the media all capitalize on lust and “swept away” feelings of love, and those moments in real life do occur. But they’re MOMENTS! You can’t build a future on those dozen moments you may have over the course of years.

Marriage, family and any long term committed relationship is down and dirty, gritty and sometimes ugly, and also beautiful, romantic, lust-filled, and emotional in different proportions depending on where you are in life (teenager, young adult, thirty-something, middle aged, senior, parent, divorcee, serial dater, monogamist who can’t get a commitment, etc.). When people are in marriages and other such relationships, they work to get those romantic feelings you have when your boyfriend is away, back into their lives, because they miss those feelings. Everyone goes through this — even movie stars and tabloid princesses!

Spending time away from each other within a committed relationship is a wonderful tool for getting the romance back. Whether it’s a day apart, a weekend apart, a week apart — whatever it is that works for your relationship, employ it! Keeping the allure and the sex appeal in your own life with a committed relationship means doing just this. Giving yourself some secrets and surprising him with romantic dinners, sexy, new lingerie, a weekend away — all these are catalysts for romance.

I’ve gotten so many letters from men and women wanting to put sparks back in their relationships, where they love their spouses or partners, but want to get some of that passion back. This book was my response to these readers [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. Check it out if you feel compelled.

You’re asking all the right questions, and I hope I’ve been helpful!

[VIRI]

Wow April, I’m sooooo glad I found this site. I always wished I had a sister…someone i can open up to about my relationship issues. Now I feel I’m getting sisterly advice from u & a professional one @ the same time. You were so right when you wrote that honesty deepens the level of love. After I told him about my true feelings & saw the way he dealt with the situation, I feel like a stronger connection has been established between us. I might not love this guy like crazy, but I’ll surely love him deeply.
This is a new experience for me…to be with a guy on a daily basis, face-to-face & I will fully embrace it. It’s time for me to enjoy REAL life and I’ll always turn to you for advice.

Thanks for everything. Regards from Beirut, Lebanon.

[Ask April Masini]

So very glad to have helped.

Good luck! 🙂

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