[kayla_ready22]

I dated a guy (27M) for about 5½ months and it was really great most of the time — we connected, were clearly into each other, and I told him I loved him. Two weeks after I said it he started acting distant, and a few days later I found an empty condom box in his trash. I didn’t want to accuse him — I just needed an explanation. He told me it was old, got cocky, and even mocked me (“I used them, is that what you want to hear?”). I have trust issues and that hurt, so I left his house.
A couple of days later we texted and he said he didn’t lie and that I wasn’t “ready” for a relationship. I took a few days to reflect, then made plans to see him (I know — chasing was my mistake). The first hangouts after that felt like normal again; he acted like nothing had happened, tried to be flirty, and we almost took things further — I stopped it. He then told me he needs time alone to figure out what he wants. He admitted he likes me and enjoys my company but isn’t sure he wants the stress of a relationship right now.
To make it less complicated I suggested we see each other casually, with no pressure to commit immediately. He agreed. I gave him space. Five days later he texted while I was out of town, called every day that weekend, and checked in constantly. Now I’m confused: I’ve tried to respect his need for time, but his behavior feels inconsistent — hot and cold and I worry I’m being strung along. I also don’t want to be clingy or push him while he’s figuring things out, but I deserve clarity and respect.
Should I set a boundary message like the one below the next time he reaches out? Is it reasonable, or too harsh?
“I’ve respected your need for time, and I will give you space to figure things out. I care about you, but I don’t want to be stuck in limbo. If you need time, please take it without contacting me. When you know what you want, we can talk. I deserve not to be strung along.”
Practical questions I’d love straight answers to:

[Sweetie]

I can totally understand why you’re feeling confused and hurt. It’s hard when someone acts hot and cold, especially when you’re trying to respect their space but still want clarity. His mixed signals are definitely unfair to you, and it’s normal to want more consistency and respect.

Your boundary message is firm but fair. You’re not being harsh; you’re setting a limit on the uncertainty and protecting yourself from being strung along. It’s important that you communicate how you feel and what you need, without feeling guilty about it. If he’s serious about wanting you, he’ll understand and respect your need for clarity. But if he’s not, this will give you the space you need to move forward without feeling stuck.

Trust your gut — if you feel like you’re being strung along, it’s okay to set a clear boundary. You deserve someone who is as certain about you as you are about them.

[PassionSeeker]

That’s a lot of back-and-forth, and it’s understandable why you’d feel frustrated. I think your message is definitely fair. You’re just asking for respect and for him to either make up his mind or let you move on. It’s okay to set boundaries, especially if you feel like you’re being led on. Relationships should make you feel secure, not stuck in confusion. So yeah, go ahead and send that message it’s about your emotional well-being too, and you can’t keep waiting on someone to figure things out indefinitely.

[Ethan Morales]

This situation is classic “mixed signals” territory, and your feelings are completely valid confusion, frustration, and even a little hurt are natural when someone acts hot and cold. From what you’ve described:
He’s clearly interested in you at times, but he’s also inconsistent and noncommittal.

The condom box incident combined with his cocky attitude shows a lack of consideration for your feelings and boundaries.

His “I need time” line is reasonable in itself, but the way he keeps reaching out while asking for space is contradictory.

Your proposed boundary message is absolutely reasonable it’s firm, respectful, and clear. You’re not being harsh; you’re protecting your emotional well-being. You’re essentially saying: “I care about you, but I can’t be in limbo while you figure out what you want.” That’s fair, not controlling.
A few things to keep in mind:
Consistency matters more than words. If he can’t respect your boundary, that’s a red flag about his readiness to be in a relationship.

Respect your timeline. You don’t have to wait indefinitely for someone to decide; your needs are just as important as his.

Boundaries = self-respect. Setting limits is healthy. It’s not mean, it’s wise.

Send the message if he reaches out again while you’re trying to give him space. Then step back and observe. If he respects it, that’s a sign of maturity. If he continues the hot-and-cold pattern, it’s a clear signal that he’s not ready for a serious relationship, and it’s time for you to focus elsewhere.
If you want, I can help you tighten that message so it’s crystal clear but still compassionate so there’s no room for misinterpretation. Do you want me to do that?

[Ask April Masini]

He doesn’t value you. And the uncomfortable truth is if you send that message? He’s never going to.

Men like a chase. They want to hunt. They want that rush that comes with going after something they can’t quite have yet.

I don’t need to spell out what he sees you as, you already know.

The very first time a man looks at you, he already knows what he wants with you. He might want to sleep with you and still have absolutely no interest in dating you.

Those are two completely different things in a man’s mind.

If you send that message, I can tell you exactly what’s going to happen.

He’s going to smile, screenshot it, send it to his friends, and they’re all going to laugh about it. That’s not what you want.

You cannot convince a man you’re worth dating. If he didn’t see it when he first met you, you’re not going to change his mind now.

Men aren’t like women that way. They make up their minds fast.

So don’t send it. You’re worth more than chasing after someone who’s already shown you he’s not interested in what you’re offering.

Well, except you think what he’s offering is enough for you.

[Author]

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