[DR041011]

Hello,

My name is Dan, and currently I’m facing quite the dilemma. I fear I may have fallen in love with my best friend (of only two months, but we talk a lot and get along well, if that says anything), whom I will refer to as Jane (for anonymity purposes). We confide many things in each other, and have come to rely on each other for emotional support, even more so due to the fact that we both suffer from depression. I discovered these feelings for her just a few weeks back; I can’t stop thinking about her, and enjoy talking to her more than anyone else. However, a few days ago, she revealed to me that she likes another person, another one of my friends, specifically, because she finds (well, found) him sweet and kind. He had a girlfriend that lives several states away, whom he recently broke up with but still has mutual feelings for, and as of late has been ignoring Jane, and has expressed to me that he very much dislikes her and claims that the reason he is ignoring her is because the more he talks to her the more she likes him (which hinted to me that he dislikes the thought). No matter what, I’ve decided, I’m going to continue to be Jane’s friend and confidant, but I can’t decide whether to find the right words and right moment to express my feelings to her, or give up and just try to help her at least becomes friends again with the guy she likes.

[b]>>[/b]To paraphrase, I like my best friend who likes one of my friends, but he very much dislikes her. I’m not sure whether to express my feelings to her, and risk jeopardizing the relationship, or simply try to help her become friends again with the other guy.

Thanks in advance for any responses.

Sincerely, Dan

[MysteryWoman]

Why would you help her become friends with the other guy..?

[DR041011]

Because it’s the right thing to do, and something I’d do for her in a heartbeat if I only liked her as a friend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

One of the reasons people get depressed is because they have expectations that don’t get met. I’m afraid you’re setting yourself up for more depression because your expectations are not realistic. In fact the conflict you write about is [i]because[/i] you’ve got unrealistic expectations.

First of all, you talk about your best friend — but you’ve only known her for two months. 😕 It’s nice that you feel so close to her, but you don’t know her all that well. Instead of deciding she’s your best friend, a more realistic approach would be to tell yourself that you met a woman two months ago, have gotten to know her and have developed a big crush on her. 😉

Second, it’s very difficult for men and women to be friends and I don’t advise it. You didn’t say how old you both are, but if you’re dating ages, you’re getting into the territory where men and women shouldn’t be friends — or best friends. The reason is because someone usually has stronger feelings for the other in the relationship and that creates the kind of conflict you’re feeling – and more. So, a more realistic approach to this relationship would be to tell yourself that you met a great woman but you’ve been in the friend zone, and you don’t want to be. That’s your real dilemma! 😉

Third, you really need to butt out of her love life. 😕 ([b]Mysterywoman[/b] had the right instinct.) It’s not the right thing to do for you to meddle between her and another man. I know you think you’re helping her, but you’re not. (And if you’re brutally honest with yourself, you’ll realize you want her for yourself.) Relationships are best when there are TWO people involved, not three. By inserting yourself, you’re robbing her (and him) of the opportunity to see what’s there. That’s not best friend behavior — but that’s because you’re not her best friend. You’re a guy who wants to date a woman who’s friend zoned you. Now, you need to get out of the friend zone, but playing dirty isn’t the way to do it. You already know that this guy doesn’t like her, so if you truly care about her, why would you encourage her to become closer to this guy who’s told you he’s trying to avoid her because the more he talks to her, the more she likes him, the more he avoids her. This doesn’t sound like the behavior of a best friend — it sounds like the behavior of a guy who’s jealous that he can’t get the girl, so he is trying to sabotage this woman’s crush because he can’t have her himself. 😮 Can you see how complicated this has become?

So here’s how to fix it: My advice is to realize you’ve fallen for this woman and want to date her. 😀 You should ask her out on a date (I’m guessing you haven’t done this), and see if she’ll go. That could change everything! If she says no, then you’ll know for sure she’s not interested in you, and then you can move on and find a woman with whom you can have a relationship on all levels. If she says yes, you’re out of the friend zone!

I hope this helps — let me know how things go for you, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[DR041011]

Thanks April.
I offered directly to her to help him see all the good things in her (before reading this; the conversation took a major turn in that direction, it kind of just came out), which I know is an absolute danger zone. Fortunately, she said she’d be grateful if I were to get him to even talk to her, and is already grateful that I’m even trying.
As for him, well, he seemed to regret not talking to her. Revealed that he and she had a thing going for a while. However she, when I asked her about it, said he’d always talk about his other girlfriend and that going out with her just seemed (to her) like a break from his old girlfriend. Knowing this now, I’m starting to question his merit as a person, which isn’t my right to do, I know, but it just seems wrong.
Regardless of all this, I think I’ll follow your advice, wait for the opportunity to present itself, and ask her out. Things between us are a bit too casual to just throw the question out there, and just bluntly asking after she’s told me everything she has seems quite insensitive, so I think I’ll wait for the timing to feel right and ask.

Thanks again 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. 😀

[Member]

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