[Valen]

My fiance and I have recently been having issues. More recurring fights, lack of interest in sex, and generally struggling to maintain our relationship. We’ve been seeking the help of a relationship counselor, but I don’t know if it will help us. There are wonderful moments where we can laugh and joke and generally enjoy spending time with each other. Then there are times where we, or at least myself, feel like there’s no spark between us.

We both have been through some rough past relationships. She spent several years with the father of her little girl before she left, and I was in a decade long relationship/marriage with my ex. Her ex is/was a manipulative abuser, and my ex cheated on me for nearly the entire relationship we had. I understand that we have our baggage, but I try not to let mine affect her.

I’ve reached the point where my head and my heart are fighting each other on whether to stay together or end things amicably. I’m a physical person by nature, and a very gentle guy. She’s not so physical, and has a bit of a harsher personality. This is just one of the differences between us, that at first didn’t bother me. Now it’s hard to not notice it. I guess what I’m asking is if I should stick this out and continue fighting for a relationship, or if it would be better to end things and look elsewhere.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this post, and look forward to your advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Relationships are tough. Especially, long term relationships where there are children involved. The best advice I can give you is to be brutally honest with yourself about what you want in a relationship and what you offer someone else. Then be brutally honest with her about whether or not the two of you have enough compatibility to make the longterm work. Things like financial goals and behaviors, ideas of how you want to live your day to day lives together and apart, and whether or not you want kids and if so how many and when, are all some of the business-like topics you have to tackle over and over again in a healthy, successful relationship. Lots of people who think that love is like the movies, end up failing because while we all have moments that resemble movie romance, real long term relationships involve death and taxes! Sex over the long term is something you have to be patient with and nourish. It sometimes flags and sometimes you have to prioritize it in a way you never dreamed you would need to. Keeping your side of the street clean and seducing her while taking care of yourself is part of the way you get that sex life back. Finding ways to freshen the spark — or revive it with heart attack paddles when it’s really down in the dumps — is crucial, and normal.

Your description is really about broad strokes, not specifics, so here are the broad stroke remedies and the way to think about whether or not this is a relationship you want to continue with, or not. If the fights you mentioned are about the same things over and over, then let me know and we can address them. But if they’re just random and garden variety fights, chances are, there is an underlying problem that you haven’t articulated or figured out.

[Member]

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