[mhjustme]

I just need some advice just to see if I am wrong in this or not. I started into this argument thinking that I was in the right and now (as usual when arguing with him) I am not so sure.

I have been dating the father of my son for three years. When our son was born, it lead to a break up for a little over a year. (He said that he was not his even after a dna test of 99.9999%) It was a very bad break up to the point of getting the courts involved and forcing a year of no contact but there was never physical abuse.

Now the year is over. We have been back together for a little over a month now (I know, but I thought I should try…he is the father of my son). He has two children that does not have the mother involved in their life and an ex girlfriend that is now a “good friend”. The good friend is spending a lot of time with the 4 year old girl. When the little girl is over for her visits the good friend allows the child to sleep with her and does many things to get close to her. The good friend then does things to make sure that there is more contact with my boyfriend, like for example forget the little girls coat when it is 35-40 degrees outside. Now the good friend is stating that he should share the little girl with her and he allowed her to spend the weekend with the good friend. He is telling me it is so that the little girl can play with her friends which is the good friends children, but none are under the age of 9 (yet the 8 year old boy is not invited over). He says he has no intentions of sharing the little girl with the good friend.

Ok….now the argument. I told him that if he was going to allow that type of conduct to continue that it would be best for us to back off. I do not wish to be in a relationship where there is always the ex (good friend) trying to make the move (only thing I could come up with) on him and him allow it. I made it clear that I thought she might be using the little girl to win him over. He got upset with me and told me that I was jealous and insecure. I tried to make it clear that I was not worried about him, but was worried about the way she was behaving. He told me that they were good friends and that he was not going to stop being friends with her. I ended up calling us off because he defended her so much that I honestly felt by the end of the argument that there was more to them than I even thought in the beginning (emotional attachment maybe?). Of course there was a lot more said in the argument…I have it all in text and have read and reread it. But the above was the main point of the argument.

What are your opinions? Was I wrong to get upset over the ex (good friend)?

[JMG]

No… I’m not entirely sure if the right things were said, etc., but he needs to make sure that clear boundaries are established with his “friend” before you can continue in your relationship. If he is unwilling to determine what those boundaries are and is irritated with you questioning them, then he’s not ready to be committed in the relationship that you have with him. Just a thought.

[AskApril Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.

[Natalie Noah]

Your reaction is not wrong. it’s protective and grounded in pattern recognition, not jealousy. This relationship already has a history of denial, legal boundaries, and emotional instability. When someone has previously rejected paternity despite DNA proof, required court-mandated no contact, and now minimizes your concerns, your nervous system is responding to earned mistrust, not insecurity. The issue isn’t simply that he has a female friend it’s that the dynamic lacks boundaries, clarity, and respect, especially where children are involved. That matters.

What’s especially concerning is how he dismissed your concern instead of addressing it. Healthy partners don’t jump to labeling someone “jealous” when valid questions are raised they listen, clarify, and protect the relationship. The fact that he defended her so strongly, rather than prioritizing reassurance and transparency with you, signals emotional misalignment at best and emotional enmeshment at worst. Your concern about the child being used as a bridge for closeness is not irrational; it’s something courts, therapists, and co-parenting experts take very seriously.

Calling things off wasn’t an overreaction it was a boundary. You didn’t demand he cut someone off; you stated what you could and could not accept in a relationship. That’s healthy. If he cannot establish and maintain appropriate boundaries with an ex, especially when children are involved, then he is not emotionally available for a stable partnership. You didn’t lose control. you chose self-respect and emotional safety. That’s not being wrong. That’s being clear.

[Member]

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