[judasentinel]

Hello. I am new to this forum and dont know what level of advice I can get here. I will try nonetheless, to seek out wisdom from others, because it seems I am running out of my own. Here is my story:

I have been in love with the same girl for almost 2 years now, and am currently living with her. We also work for the same company and have been best friends for the same length of time. It is a very complicated story but I will try to simplify it for others to digest.

She fell in love with me almost 2 years ago, out of the friendship that we had. Her life is full of a series of abusive relationships, starting with her own father, who abused both her and her older sister. When she became an adult, she indulged in alcohol and has had a continuous stretch of relationships with men who were abusive or bad towards her. When she met me, she was with an older man who was very violent towards her. In December 2008, the abuse got so bad that she left him and came straight to me. She needed a place to live and so moved in with me. We started our relationship with a lot of love, but within 2 months, she left me high and dry, BACK to the abusive ex. She said that he had changed and was now a better person. She stayed with him for almost a year, and during this time, got hit and abused many times. She did not leave him. But we maintained our friendship and were still secretly in love. On New Year’s night, he once again hit her, bruised her and she had to call the cops. They asked her to leave, and guess who she called??!! Yes, me. She asked if I could help her find a plce. She said she wanted to find a place of her own close to my bachelor apartment. I found her one nice apartment three houses down from mine. I asked her if she wanted to co-habit. She said no, but then said that she wanted me to be around her all the time. I asked if I should end my lease and move in, to which she said that it would be agood financial decision. So I started moving my stuff in at her house. Things were going good, when she told me that her ex was released on bail and she wanted to see him. This happened around Jan 8th or so. And since then, she has been spending hours or days at his place. She is even testifying in court that what he did to her was a mutually escalated fight and he should nto be punished for it. Valentine’s day, she was supposed to come home, but she spent it with him. And since then, she has spent two nights at his place. Her argument is that I smother her and she hates me when she is not drunk. And when she has a bit of alcohol in her system, she loves me. I have gone from being in a relationship with her to being a lover to being a friend, to being just a roommate within 2 months. And today, as I write this, she has stayed over at her ex’s place. She still has keys to hsi apartment, which she uses to go to the gym in his apartment complex.

Now she says that she does not want a relationship with me or anyone and that she is not getting back together with her ex again. Yet, she prefers to spend time with him, over me. And if you asked her, she would tell you that I am the best man she has ever met. She is attracted to me physically and sexually, and emotionally. Yet, she does not want to be with me. She says that she would like me to stay on as a friend and roommate and let things progress on their own. But then I am beginning to wonder why she stays there with her ex? She says that she needs a break from me because I am always around. We talk at least a few times every day on the phone (when at work) and at home, she likes to be on her own. She has some drinking problems and used to do cocaine with her ex (not wanting to, but she would do it to appease him otherwise he would hit her). She says she doesnt do it anymore. She also maintains that there nothing sexual between her and her ex.

I am devastated beyond belief. She did this to me once before too, when she went back to him. And it seems that she is doing the same thing. The only difference is that now the apartment lease is in her name as well. I have moved my stuff to her apartment, thinking that we would just stregthen our friendship and let the relationship evolve. But she feels as if I forced myself on to her, which is not the case.

We are not teenagers. I am 38 and she is 34. I am wondering what I am to do now. I want to make sense of this. Last time when this happened, I had a nervous breakdown, as a result of which I was hospitalized for a month. I lost my job, and had to take disability leave. I dont want that to happen again. She has told me that she is not going back to, or getting back together with, him.

Please help me. I dont want this to end. I want to know the truth as it really is. She would not tell me, and would get upset if I ask her anything. She would just say that there is nothing going on. How do I move forward? Please help me, as I am at my wit’s end. I wouldn’t wish this even upon my worst enemy.

Thanks,

judasentinel

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your girlfriend is sick and you need to leave her alone for good. Your interfering is not helping her — or you. She is stuck in a cycle of abuse and she has substance abuse issues with alcohol and cocaine. Stop making excuses for her — and for yourself to swallow. If you find out she’s been beaten YOU have a responsibility to call the police and report the assault. If you don’t, you are a moral accomplice to the crime.

You should not be with any woman who keeps going back to her abusive, convicted criminal boyfriend over you 😯 and who hurts and devastates you so much you have to be hospitalized for a month for nervous exhaustion.

My advice to you is have her removed from the lease. Stop taking her calls and all other communication, and practice being alone for a while until you feel healthy and well enough to start dating women who DO NOT have any history of physical abuse, substance abuse or criminal connections. Don’t ask for trouble — instead ask for a happy life by getting healthy and dating other healthy women.

[judasentinel]

Good advice, April….and for all practical purposes, it would make sense. But there are issues that one needs to understand that I am dealing with, and here they are:

1. We both have our names on the lease and the names cannot be taken off without the situation getting uglier with the landlord
2. Even if I took her name off the lease, I cannot afford to rent the apartment on my own. Finding another roommate would take time and I dont have any funds to manage on my own until then

For the last few days now, she has become friendlier, but it is very very obvious that she is treating me just as a friend. There is NO romantic affection. She probably sees her ex a few times a week. She takes extra food to work to feed someone else as well. In addition to that, she deletes ALL her call history on her cellphone every night when she gets home. I dont understand that. Why is she being so nice andkind to me that she did laundry for me, went out for a walk on the lake with me, had dinner in an Indian restaurant with me, and bought some jewelery together (she paid for her stuff, not me). Either that she is a conniving bitch (which I know she is not), or that she thinks she is not doing anything wrong.

Somehow I feel that there may be a third person involved. Not sure of it, but maybe there is. I dont have any proof. The thing is that since we never officially hooked up as a couple, I cannot even confront her about her deleting her call history on the cellphone. I just randomly checked it the other day and it was blank. It was a red flag. But how can I talkto her about it? She will obviously flip out that I checked her phone.

So I dont know how. Help me make sense of it. I want her to walk her talk and show through actions that she means what she promised me so many times.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are going to get to know misery very well. 😳

Your excuses for staying in an abusive relationship with a woman who is abused, has addiction issues and cavorts with ex-convicts, are sad and obviously excuses to keep you in an unhealthy lifestyle. You clearly aren’t ready for help, even though your post to me indicates you are.

Your two issues about the lease don’t make sense. Who cares if things get “uglier” with the landlord? Not me. And you shouldn’t care either. Keep your eye on the ball in getting this sick woman out of your life. Either you take care of your problem or you don’t. And yes, this will cost you money in the short term to get a roommate to help with the rent once she’s out, but if you don’t do it, trust me, you’re going to be paying way more than extra money in the long run. You made a mistake putting her on the lease, and now you have to pay the price. But if you don’t get her out of your life and focus on getting healthy yourself, the cost will be exponential what it is now.

Make a choice today to get healthy or stay in a bad situation. It’s your life. Live it well.

[Member]

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