[Anonymous]

I am an adult female who was married for 25 years and raised four children. The last years of our marriage I was extremely depressed and finally sought counseling from a Christian counselor. It was this process that made me acknowledge how emotionally abusive our relationship was… and gave me the courage to file for divorce. I will try to summarize some of the factors that the counselor felt were contributing factors. I was misdiagnosed with a lazy eye, had eye surgery when I was 18 months old and wore a patch all the time until I started first grade at the age of 5. In reality, my optic nerve never developed in one eye and I was totally blind when my good eye was patched. I was sexually molested as a young child (2-7) by an uncle. When he re-entered my life at age 11, I told my mother, who asked me not to say anything. Her brother did not approach me sexually again, but found other ways to punish me for telling. My father was distant and controlling, my mother was extremely talented and committed to activities outside the home. I babysat my younger siblings from the age of seven. I tried to gain approval by being good, in school, in behavior and took pride in being a ‘responsible’ person. I married a man who told me when we were dating that he didn’t think he could ever be happy… and I believed if I could make him happy it would give me value. In hindsight was extremely critical and controlling… and I never could make him happy. We had four children who I adored; he was rarely home. It seemed everything I did made him angry, my faith in God, my involvement in our children’s school and activities, my unrealistic attempts to create a ‘Norman Rockwell’ environment for them. I consciously diverted his anger toward me whenever he was mad at the children. Ultimately, my children learned to do the same thing. My coping mechanism for all the painful words and actions was, and still is amnesia. After 25 years we divorced, and I am trying to become a healthier person and better parent.
My eldest son is an alcoholic and living with his father, he has avoided contact with me since the divorce. My oldest daughter is an outstanding counselor with a PhD, in the process of getting a divorce from a lawyer with money and deep roots in the community, she is fighting for custody of their daughter… but knows with his family connections and unlimited resources and threats that she is unlikely to win. My second daughter married an extremely volatile young man from Puerto Rico. They have had a tumultuous relationship filled with shouting, insults and pain, but she loves him and is determined to make it work. A year ago she decided to go to law school to improve the quality of life for her family. I discovered a life threatening condition almost a year ago and have had two surgeries with the prospect of a third in the next few months. She would have been unable to go to law school without family support. She and her family are living with her father in a tremendously hot-tempered environment, and I have been providing free day care for my grandchildren. It is my joy and my privilege. My youngest son recently graduated from college and is trying to establish a career and independence.
My granddaughter is an exceptionally loving and gifted child. The public school would not accommodate her needs, so two years ago, when a tornado totaled my car, I kept driving the car and gave the money to my daughter to pay for private school tuition. Unfortunately, a few weeks ago, the principal of the private school met with my daughter and told her that my granddaughter is so profoundly gifted that she has outgrown what the school can offer. It has been extremely stressful for everyone who loves this special little girl trying to find a school for her in the fall. After a lot of research and failure, I found one in a town about 30 miles away from where we now live. It is a free charter school, in the town where her father works. Logistically it makes sense to relocate to that town, and I am more than willing to move and continue providing unpaid daycare for the next two years. Financially things will be extremely hard. The downturn in the economy has had a profound effect on our lives. I had my own business, so unemployment benefits are not available. I have serious health issues, so I am ‘uninsurable’ at this time. It has been an overwhelming blessing that I met a wonderful man about three years ago. I did not believe I could ever love a man after my failed marriage. It is because of his financial help… expecting nothing in return, that I am alive today and able to provide care for my wonderful grandchildren.
I am an imperfect person. I feel responsible for a failed marriage, my oldest son’s alcoholism and the relationship problems my girls are facing. It is very difficult for me to establish or enforce boundaries with my children, but I know that I cannot function in a volatile, angry environment any more. One of the things my granddaughter loves most about coming here is that it is a clean, ‘no shouting’ house.
When my daughter decided it was best to move, she told me I would need to move too, and I am very happy to do so. My ‘boyfriend’ lives in that town and my grandchildren are the light of my life. I have felt my relationship improving with my daughter and believed that I could support her in a healthier, more meaningful way. But, when she told me that we would need to rent a house and live together with the expectation that I would pay the rent I had serious reservations. The thought of living with no privacy, listening to frequent arguments and being told what to do by both my daughter and her husband makes me feel sick. I was also concerned about borrowing or accepting money from my friend with the knowledge that he too would be making a two year commitment.
I had a long talk with him about all my misgivings, and he encouraged me to set a boundary and tell my daughter I would move, continue to care for my grandchildren, but rent my own apartment. My daughter was furious. Within hearing of her husband and my granddaughter, she told me at great length how disgusting and despicable I am. She yelled for over an hour without letting me respond. She told me I was the most selfish person she has ever known, that everyone else in the family feels the same way. She called me every foul name she could think of… her daughter was crying and her husband was urging her on. She finished by saying I could never see my grandchildren again because I had totally betrayed them. A few hours later, she called again and very calmly told me she meant every word she had said and that she would be coming over to collect all of her children’s things.
I cried, off and on for days, essentially doing nothing, hardly getting out of bed. The thought of not being a part of my grandchildren’s lives was devastating. I almost called my friend to beg for enough money to do what my daughter wanted. Several days later she called to say she was coming to get the kids’ things; when she came, she had the children with her, and my granddaughter kept asking me why I didn’t want to live with her. It broke my heart. Ultimately, she did not take anything because my granddaughter was crying.
For the past two weeks, she has come over with the kids every day that her husband is working. Part of the time reiterating how selfish I am, threatening to tell my ‘man friend’ what I’m really like¸ telling me that after talking to her nobody would want to have anything to do with me. She has disregarded the rules I had established with the children… like eating food only at the table. Everyday when they leave, the apartment is a messy disaster. Finally I asked my granddaughter to help clean up and asked my daughter to vacuum up the food my toddler grandson had dropped throughout the living room. My granddaughter willingly helped, my daughter ignored me. She later called and said I was lazy as well as selfish.
Yesterday everything exploded again. She wanted to go look at apartments and I agreed. Then she said I would have to wait until they decided where they would live, then find a place next door. I said I was sure that we would be living in close proximity, but that my friend had offered to go with us since he knows the area. She accused me of wanting to find a luxury apartment while expecting them to live in a dump. Then she gathered the kids and walked out. I called later and tried to explain to her that my budget was so tight I have difficulty buying groceries, she said I was only making excuses for my selfishness, and that the only reason I had friends is because they feel sorry for me. One of the things my ex-husband used to say about anyone I cared about. She also said I had promised during our earlier confrontation to downsize from my current 750 feet apartment to save money to help them afford to move.
I feel like I am going crazy. She told me that my friend will figure out who I really am, and that I am stupid to think he loves me. She said that when he breaks up with me I will have no one to come to because I let her down when she needed me the most. She said again that although I have played a bigger role in raising her children than even her husband, she will make sure that my granddaughter knows that I will only disappoint her.
She says I have made promises I do not remember making, and I am questioning my sanity. I don’t want anyone I know to know what she has been saying. I want to fix things and I don’t know how. I am writing to an anonymous site because I wonder if I am as selfish and despicable as she believes I am. I love my children, I love my grandchildren and I don’t know what to do. I am tired, can’t concentrate, non-productive and don’t know where to turn. I don’t understand what I have done that makes me deserve to lose the people I love. I need some perspective… and I need to repair a damaged relationship. Please help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are not selfish and despicable, and I suspect you know that deep down. What you are, however, is a willing victim, and until you break the cycle that started in your childhood of being a victim, you’re going to continue to live in misery. You’re also setting a bad example for your children and grandchildren by not taking better care of yourself and continuing this pattern, so today is the day you need to start saying, “No.”

It sounds simple, but I know that you have a strong commitment to being the victim, so this is going to be hard for you. If you just follow directions, then here is your recipe for health:

1. Do not move. Stay where you are. Your children are adults and you need to stop enabling them and this cycle.

2. Stop having contact with your daughter. She has learned to abuse you and she has learned that you expect and accept the abuse. Until you teach her otherwise, she’s going to continue. If she yells at you, says abusive things to you or about you in your presence, or does anything else that is unkind or inappropriate, you leave. It’s that simple. If you can manage to calmly tell her that you’re leaving until she can be kind to you and you’ll try calling her again next week, that would be best, but I know it’s going to take you baby steps to get there.

3. Tell your grandchild, when she asks why you don’t want to live with her that it’s because her mother hasn’t learned to be kind to you, and you won’t live with or near someone who is unkind, but you love your granddaughter, and hope her mom can be kind to you soon so you can all visit together again. Someone has to teach this child what right and wrong is and so far, it doesn’t sound like any of you have. If you don’t teach her how to behave, she will go on to be a victim or an abuser. 🙁

4. Start to honor and respect your own healing process and make it a priority. YOU are the only one who can save YOU, and until you do, you have no tools to help anyone else.

I wish you luck, and hope you’ll let me know how things go.

Also, come join me on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. I’d love to see you there, too. 😀

[Member]

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