[confusedheart4]

Where do I begin. Five months ago I ended an eight year relationship with my fiance (engaged for three of the eight years). The reasons for leaving were many – I have been in graduate school for 2.5 years (about 1.5 years to go) and felt I was growing while he was not; we had not been intimate in a VERY long time (we weren’t even sleeping in the same bed); we weren’t communicating well at all; it didn’t feel like a partnership; I could go on. We essentially grew apart. I felt very sure about my decision until recently. Over the last three months or so I began online dating. I have met two interesting men that could be potential partners. Here is where the confusion begins. One of the men lives several hours away, and he is 15 years older than me. I am still not sure about his emotional availability, but we seem to be compatible on other levels. The other is about two hours away from me. He is also in school. Both are very busy, as am I. This second guy is emotionally available, and is very intense. It almost feels too intense at times, but then the attentiveness and affection is something I have not had in a very long time. Our chemistry is amazing! Nothing I have ever experienced before. We seem to be very compatible. He is moving this month, which will put him only an hour away. I feel confused about the two of these individuals, or if I even want to be in a serious relationship after such a short time out of a long relationship. I began the online dating to see what is out there, to get a better idea of what I want. I was completely caught off guard by both of these individuals and how I am feeling towards them, particularly the second, more intense guy. To top things off I have been thinking about my ex for a few weeks as well. I should note that we left things as “taking a break”. In my mind I think I emotionally left the relationship a long time ago and felt like the relationship was over, which is why I think I was able to move forward with dating so soon. I have been trying to reach out to him to talk about everything. I am still paying for our phone bill and he is still paying for the engagement ring, which I have. I feel like we have things to discuss to have some resolution, one way or the other. But he will not answer my calls or respond to my texts. Now that I have been dating other people and things could potentially get serious, I am questioning whether I gave my ex enough of an opportunity to respond to my discontent, or gave us an opportunity to work together on our relationship. Or are these thoughts my way of pulling away from the guy and the intensity I am feeling? Could it be fear? It feels very early to have these intense feelings for someone so new, but I’m afraid that if I turn away from either of these individuals I will miss out on something great. I really feel confused and unsure of everything, unsure of what I want. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you didn’t really end things on a clean note with your boyfriend of eight years, five months ago. When you wrote that the two of you decided to take a break from the relationship — but he won’t respond to your calls or e-mails, I’m thinking that maybe there was a misunderstanding. Taking a break from a long relationship isn’t usually a good idea. It usually means that the two of you were too lazy to work out your problems or the problems were insurmountable, but you were afraid to break up for good. It also sounds like there wasn’t a structured plan for “taking a break”, in other words, a decision about how long the break would be. My guess is that he’s decided to move on for good.

Why you’re paying for his phone bills is curious to me. And why he’s paying for your engagement ring, since I assume the engagement is now off, is also a mystery — unless he signed a contract and owes the business he purchased from, the money.

My suggestion is that if you can’t reach him after a month of trying, you accept that he doesn’t want to talk to you, and it’s over. Give back the ring, and stop paying for his phone bills.

The issues you’re having with these new guys you’re meeting aren’t as important as the fact that you’re not sure where you stand with your ex. You need to get clear on that first, and if he won’t talk to you for a month, I think you have to accept that clarity as a clean break.

I hope that helps clear up your confusion. Let me know how things go.

And please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

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