[shiela_gurly]

Hi April,

So this is kind of an interesting story… I became interested in this guy back in November. How? First, at least 3 people have said we would make a good couple, even before I really knew him. Second, he, myself, and the two other people in our Study Abroad group took a road trip to Chicago to apply for our Visas. It was a long drive, so we got to talking about everything under the sun including our hopes and dreams and what we were looking for in life and in a significant other.

He said he wanted somebody passionate about music, someone he can talk about books with, someone nice and funny who loves to travel, and somebody he could be active with.

I’m batting a 95% on his criteria. We talked a little bit over break because he read a book that I had recently read and we talked about it and I got to know him a little more, and we’ve been swapping music for awhile. I wanted to just remain “interested” and not move into full-crush mode because I wanted to go to Spain to clear my head and give my life a refresher (My parents are getting divorced, my boyfriend broke up with me right after I found out, about 9 months ago and even though I want to be over it, it still stings sometimes…). He too just got out of a breakup (3-5 months ago, depending on how you look at it) and we’ve talked about our similar experiences though we were on opposite sides of the table. He’s helped me see my ex’s point of view better and come to terms with some things, and I’ve helped him understand his ex’s point-of-view and why she’s not moving on as quickly as he would like her to.

We’ve been in Spain together now for about 4 weeks and will be until May. I can definitely say I’ve started to crush. We go on walks together occasionally or go out for a glass of wine or coffee, or go and sit in the park together and read. We’re reading the same books, and we share all the cool Spanish bands we’ve managed to dig up. He checks up on me sometimes and gives me some encouragement if I’m having a bad day. And while the other people in our Study Abroad group willingly hug him or give him pats on the back, there’s this weird…kind of awkward? Physical barrier between us. I don’t know if it’s a product of romantic tension created by me, or if it’s mutual, or what.

I decided not to say anything to him about liking him until right before or right after we return home. I know that finding his independence and having a good amount of time to just be single is important for any person and especially important to him. I’m worried, though, that by talking to him about relationships without saying anything to get my foot in the door, or directly pointing out, “Hey, if you haven’t noticed, we have so much in common, from books to music to movies to thoughts on religion, politics, social issues, and the same priorities in life.” I am digging myself deeper and deeper into the friend zone.

He has said a couple of things that make me feel that I am definitely in the Friend Zone…

“The French girls staying with you are prettier than the ones staying with me.”
“I’m sure when I find the right girl I won’t have a problem asking her out.”
“It’s easy enough to find guys here–go out more.”

Plus, he met a girl one weekend and while I don’t think it will turn into anything serious (as she is from Mexico), it still makes me nervous. He hasn’t talked to me about her, partially because he doesn’t like to kiss and tell, though he has told the other girl in our group about it. [i]I don’t know.[/i] But this is why I’m not saying anything. I don’t want to infringe on his much-desired independence and his window of opportunity for occasional casual relationships. And I also don’t want to limit myself because flirting with Spaniards is fun… but sometimes I just don’t think my heart is in it because I am thinking about him.

So I guess my question is… How and when do I dig myself out of the friend zone? If I can. 🙁

Thank you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re definitely in the friend zone, and it doesn’t sound like he’s going to ask you out any time soon, given the way you’re both going. So….. my suggestion is a three-fold approach:

1. Don’t be so available. See if he’ll miss you by making yourself scarce.

2. When you do see him, turn up the flirtation. Men want women who allure them and who make them want to give chase. Make him feel more like a man who wants the woman when you see him.

3. Open your options to other men. You’re having this incredible experience and doing a great thing for yourself, your eduction and your heart (getting over the break up, giving yourself from distance from your parents’ divorce proceedings, etc.). Be open and interested in other men. This guy may or may not remove you from the friend zone, so don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[shiela_gurly]

Thank you for your advice! I am… sort of following it?

I’m worried about step 1 because he outright told me that he’s very passive when it comes to relationships. The two girlfriends he’s had, they both did the asking. And “making myself scarce” is also a little difficult to do because given the circumstances we tend to see each other all the time. But I will work on that part because I understand the logic behind it. He also is under the impression that I am not interested in a boyfriend right now, and I have not gone on about boys with him at all, so I don’t think I’m coming off as too desperate…

I have been working on step 2. It’s a little difficult because he’s more the quiet and reserved type, so it’s kind of hard to get him going. But I have finally figured out what makes him laugh, and I have broken the “touch barrier” for starters.

And as for step 3, I have…succeeded? The Mexican girl is leaving on Wednesday but the two of them were together when we all went out last night, so I decided to do whatever and ended up dancing with/kissing a Spaniard last night whose name I never actually found out. And Josh told me, “Good job” and gave me a thumbs up. From what I’ve read this is kind of sort of a step in a good direction? Because he sees me as desirable to other men, low maintenance, and coy, even if it isn’t necessarily with him… I didn’t do it with him intentionally in mind, just to enjoy myself. I’m hoping it didn’t close any doors that weren’t already closed.

Also, my friends here are starting to pressure me to tell him soon, like, in two weeks. Which I do not plan on doing because I think that is much too soon. Curious about your thoughts on when to tell him provided there isn’t some crazy situation that makes the decision obvious.

Thanks again!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What is it that you want to tell him?

[shiela_gurly]

That I really like him, that I think we have a lot of important things in common, that I enjoy his company and that I think we should go on a date that could hopefully lead into a relationship.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

No, no, no!! 😮 Don’t [i]ever[/i] ask a guy out on a date, or suggest you should go on a date! If he likes you enough to be in a relationship with you, then HE’LL do the asking. If you ask him, you’re going to put yourself in an even more confusing situation.

Don’t tell him you enjoy his company, show him! 😎 Flirting goes a long way toward getting you OUT of the friend zone. You don’t want to push yourself on him (which is what you’re suggesting) — you want to make yourself so interesting and attractive that he’ll want to ask you out and see more of you! 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Member]

Posts