[angpel]

Hi, I’ve been dating a divorced dad for the past year and a half. we dated for about 7 months before that, but broke up for about a year(we were still friends) and got back together. So all in all I’ve known him about 3 years. He has a four year old girl who i only met last year; this to me is fine as he is a responsible dad who loves his little girl and wants to protect her. I get along well with the child and all in all we have a good,steady relationships for most parts.
The problem though is the ex. She left the child with the dad to go study in another town… after six months she returns initiating a custody battle. She won primary care of the child just because she’s the mother. The fact that she’s never really around (studying or her social life takes priority) doesn’t matter to the legal system; neither does the fact that she has a string of relationships, introducing each new conquest to the child as she goes.
After a lengthy custody battle my bf and her have an arrangement for when he sees the kiddie etc, but she never keeps to the times. She’s always late, switches around the times, or makes him wait for her. when he confronted her on her tardiness after she made him and the child wait for an hour outside her house in the middle of the winter, she threatened him, reminding him who has primary care. This woman cares more about her social life than her child and my bf feels powerless as he feels his kid isn’t been taken care of the way she should be. Note that though the child is visibly upset each time she has to go back to her mother and throws tantrums when her mother is mentioned; even in this regard my bf has to wait till the child is seven to revisit the primary custody care battle. Only then can the child choose who she wants to live with.

Recently this girl got a new boyfriend. This boyfriend gave my bf the stink eye when he went to pick up his daughter at mcd’s and they met the first time. Second time around the ex goes to my bf’s house to pick up the kiddie with her new bf in tow in his own car, pumping music loudly outside my bf’s house. To me this is utterly rude and not respecting boundaries. I’ve never even met my bf’s ex, why should her new flame even know where my bf lives?
On top of this when my bf went to pick her up this weekend the new boyfriend was there at his exes house. the moment he saw my bf arrived and saw the little girl rushing to her dad, he tried to lure the kid back to him as if he was trying to make it a competition between him and the child’s actual father! Personally i think this guy doesn’t have the responsibility or the level of commitment to date someone with a child, but his still doing his animalistic battle dance to show his territory regarding the ex, but using the child to do it, if that makes any sense… To me he’s the flip-flop type who won’t stick around for long anyway, but he is still a problem in the meantime.
I was outraged when i heard this, as i respect this woman as the child’s mother and would never do such a thing even though I cant stand her. My bf has taken this very hard, i guess hes scared he gets replaced.(in the past this woman taught the child to call her maternal grandfather “daddy” my bf was heavily hurt by this, but it got sorted in the custody battle) And he can’t confront her since she threatens him, he tried confronting her over text, but she refuses to text him back, requests him to call her, so that he has no visible proof of her spitefulness toward their legal agreement and their child’s care

Now my issue is that he sent me a voice message two nights ago, saying that he knows it might seems selfish and unfair, but he is jealous of his ex’s new relationship and its really making him unhappy. He just wants to focus on his daughter because he hasn’t been himself and its all weighing down on him.
Now i understand that there might be unresolved feelings, they were married after all, but i still rushed to his house yesterday to talk to him. i was scared he’s leaving me. Getting there he said he doesn’t think he can leave me and that he doesn’t have deep feelings for his ex as if he wants her back or anything, but he wants to do right by his daughter. I guess he’s really confused and scared of losing her which is normal. his child is he’s everything and emotionally it drains him not having her around or having her around only to have to drop her off again later. I offered him my support, tried to offer him a temporary distraction at least (comedy movies and video games) and let him know that I understood and that i was there for him.
He still not himself and it really feels like hes slipping away. I know him and the little things he usually does and he doesn’t do any of it. He told me last night that he’s daughter has a good role model in me.
I’m just scared after all my efforts of understanding and accepting and supporting him that he just leaves me. I also don’t know what to say to him in support or how to make him feel better? I just feel hopeless and useless. As if i should be doing more.

[AskApril Masini]

Fill me in a little — how long was he married? And how long was he divorced before the two of you started dating?

I think that information will help me give you better advice! 🙂 I’ll look out for your response.

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[angpel]

Well they were separated when we started dating and im not sure exactly how long they were married but they were together for around 2-3 years. Their divorce procedures was delayed due to the custody issues. She got pregnant while in her final year of school. Her mother kind of forced them to get married, but i think he would’ve married her anyway.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it. So when did they get divorced?

[angpel]

Legally they got divorced about two months ago. They were separated since 2012 though. we started dating in May 2012 few months after the separated.

[AskApril Masini]

Okay, I think I have a picture of what’s going on. 🙂 Thank you for filling in the blanks for me. 😉

You’re worried about your boyfriend of 3 years (with a one year break in there) recently losing interest and pulling away from you. You’re very upset about his ex-wife’s behavior, and you want to hold onto the relationship. Did I get that right?

What you may not full grasp is that you’ve been dating him while he’s been married. In fact, he’s only just divorced 2-3 months, so the bulk of your relationship, he was actually married to his now ex-wife of 3 months. I know it’s very easy to say that they were living apart, they were both dating, they were fighting like cats and dogs in court over custody, but divorce is a very big deal. It’s a big deal legally, but it’s also a big deal emotionally, psychologically and socially. It’s the end of a marriage and a failure in a relationship. 😳 I think your boyfriend is only now realizing that the marriage is over. I know this may be hard to understand because he hasn’t been acting married, but in his head, he may have held out hope that his marriage might one day work out. It may seem irrational to you, but try to consider it as a possibility.

When you said that he told you that he is jealous of his ex’s new relationship, at the same time that you feel him slipping away — at the same time that his divorce has become final — it became a clear possibility that he’s mourning the loss of his marriage.

All that is a way for you to possibly understand what he’s going through. Understanding may help you be more realistic about your own choices. 😉

I don’t know why the two of you broke up for a year during the 3 years you’ve been together — and that would be good to know — but you have to understand that you were dating someone who was married, and who was trying to get divorced, and get his feet on the ground. Now, he’s divorced, and he’s in a different situation than he was when the two of you first started dating. If he does want to continue dating you, it would be important for you to try not to fight with his ex-wife, or even speak ill of her — no matter how much you disagree with her. She’s the mother of his child, and he married her, so he had feelings for her, and still may. This doesn’t mean the two of you can’t have a wonderful, long-lasting relationship, but it does mean you have to adjust your own thinking and behavior. Things aren’t black and white here. 😉 It would be much easier if they were, but they’re not. You can be there for him by being upbeat, understanding, and accepting of his child and her mother, warts and all. 🙂

I hope this helps you. Please ask if you have further questions — and let me know how things go.

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[angpel]

Something happened that i didnt anticipate. I did what you said i should do. I gave him positive attention. Supported him and tried to cheer him up. Nothing really that i haven’t done before. See, im kind of a pushover when it comes to him. I just put any frustrations in the back in order not to rock the boat. He doesn’t handle confrontation well so i never confront him. He was at my house yesterday. I was bit tired and he told me i should take a nap. He brought hes computer with to play games (something i joined him in to show him that the things that interest him can interest me too) he was playing in the dining room, but i couldn’t sleep so i got up. When i came up behind him he got a fright and tried to hide his phone. He didnt before i could see there was a selfie of him he had just taken. He was texting another girl. I asked him and he said she sent him a photo and he sent one back. Immediatly my mood changed and i went kind of blank. I was like that most of the day while he just kept playing his games. Last night i asked him and he said im thinking too much. Nothigs going on. We fell asleep and i saw his phone on my dresser. I decided not to look at it coz i was scared what i might find. I went back to sleep. Aftee a while i woke up to switch the computer off which is next to my dresser. I dont know why but i succumbed to my weak moment and looked at the phone… i found pictures that he and this girl sent back and forth… she was clad in only underwear in most of em. I freaked out and woke him up and ask him what was up. I wasnt as angry as i was confused and had to drag the answers out of him. He told me its only been a week and he had told her to stop but she didnt. But what i dont get is why he was still texting her. He said they were only texting and that nothing more happened. He ended up leaving telling me hes pissed coz i went through his phone. He said he needed time. Today i tried to make conversation over whatsapp and he was just so cold towards me. He told me he told her off he might as well do the same to me. Obviously i dont wanna just end this relationship i poured my heart and soul into so i went to his house. He pretended to be asleep while i talked to him and eventually said i was irritating him… i left telling him not to just give up on me coz i havent given up on him and that ill give him time not bothering him. What hurts me is that i know i was wrong to through hes phone , but at that moment i couldnt help myself. I apologised profusely but he doesn’t wanna have it. Meanwhile im going crazy here coz im heartbroken. It might sound dramatic, but i commited my whole life to this man. I accepted him, loved him cared for him and always supported hi. I never hassled him about anything and the first time he broke up with me was bad coz he started dating my sister shortly after. Yes im stupid. I took him back a year later, but i never stopped loving him. Back then i went to a very dark place and i feel the same now as i did back then. Im hurt and confised and i feel like everythig i hoped for my future happiness is doomed. I don’t want to meet someone new to just have this happen again. So i will most probably end up alone for the rest of my life. Im just hurt because i treated him like a prince all the time and he was good to me too. I built our relationship on the foundatuon that i will be there for him. Hes had some problems with people deserting him too so i wanted to be the opposite of all the crappy people in his life. Just to have this happen. Im broken

[AskApril Masini]

I’m so sorry you’re broken hearted. 😳 Let me try to explain what’s happening to you more clearly — I think you tried to ignore it in my last post, because it’s not pleasant, and nobody wants to hear unpleasant news — but unless you face this reality, you’re going to continue to find heartbreak.

The important thing that you’re not admitting, is that you’ve been dating a married man for most of this relationship. Your title here says you’re dating a divorced dad, but he’s only been divorced for the last 3 months out of the approximately 3 years you’ve invested, so basically, you’ve been dating him while he was married to his wife. When he got divorced was when you noticed that he started pulling away from you, and you now know that he’s interested in at least this one other woman.

I know, I know — you’re going to tell me how he didn’t act married, and how his wife was dating, too — but in order for you to make smart decisions for yourself — which is what we all want for you — you have to find a way to wake up and smell the coffee. 😉 He’s newly single, and he’s flirting and probably dating other women. He wants to see what else is out there for him.

I know you don’t want to break up with him, but when you choose to date someone who isn’t single and available, you run the risk of his becoming single and available and then acting differently. That’s what’s happening. I know you’re hurt — but if you read this, you shouldn’t be confused. And if you care about having a future with a guy, choose one who’s ready for that future. 😉 This guy isn’t ready for one with you. I know that’s hard to hear but like ripping off a bandaid, better to do it fast so you can heal and move on then to waste time with someone who’s not into you. 😉

I’m sorry you’re hurt and that this didn’t work out the way you had hoped, but you can do a lot better if you find a guy who’s into you and wants the same commitment you do. 🙂 Please let me know how things go….

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