[Anonymous]

Hello April,

Im in a very bad situation, that I caused. I knew this girl that works with my sister since last october. She liked me and was attracted to me from the beginning and so was I, but I never knew that until a few months ago when my sister told me. I would always to dental office where they work, and just talk with her and Ive seen her interest. She would always talk to me and I always made her laugh. Ive even emailed her many times. She gave me her phone number through the emails and I started texting her. We texted for about 2 weeks, and she would initiate the texts most of the time. She would ask me how my day was, or tell me she hopes that I have a great day, stuff like that. Maybe 3-4 texts a day, until I asked her out, through the text. Then it was text frenzy. She became so interested, I was amazed. Problem is that I was so used to texting her, I never talked to her on the phone within the 2 months we dated, maybe only twice for a few mins.

Within the those 2 months, I would bring her to alot of family get togethers because she was good friends with my sister, and we would go out alone and have fun. She is 23 and I’m 28. She loved it and her interest for me grew. However, one the biggest mistakes I made is listen to my sister about what kind of person she is. Saying she is very shy, wants her own space most of the time, doesn’t like to be contacted often, stuff like. This would stay in the back of my mind, and would plague me when I was around her. Her shyness inhibited me from being close to her, such as kissing, touching, etc. Sure I would hug her and kiss her (pecks) when meeting her and dropping her off. We’ve been intimate, but only when we were drunk- but we didn’t have sex. I told her I wouldnt take advantage of her when she is drunk. When she is drunk, she is no longer shy.

Before I go any further, let me explain what I was going through at the time. I was dealing with a death in the family, just started a new job after months of not working (big change for me), and I changed into something I wasnt. I became a pushover and tried to please everybody, and kissed everybodies ass, including hers. I gave up all my interests and hobbies, and became a totally different person. With me holding my emotions in and not being myself around everybody, I started to build up tension, which I eventually exploded (coming later)

Keeping in mind that I tried to keep it safe around her by remembering what my sister said, I never called her on the phone, never held her hand, never made moves on her, and I suddenly became too passive and quiet around her. With her being shy, we would hang out and talk, but when we would sit next to each other, its like sitting next to another person. No chemistry. The problem was that all that stress with life and what I was told about her from my sister would cause me to be like this around her. When texting her, I would be myself and all flirty. I would flirt and she would flirt back, but when we were together, nothing would happen. Both were too shy, unless we drank.

Anyway, 2 months dragged along, and it would be the same way. I know she always wanted me to put the moves on her, but I would just hesitate and wouldn’t do it. I wasn’t being myself, and I unintentionally became this super nice, shy, reserved guy, which isn’t me at all. Anyway, I think she got turned off on this, because I flirted with her on a text I sent, then she texted me back and said its better if we just stayed friends. I was shocked at the time, because I was confused at how she showed so much interest, then all of a sudden changed. So I ask her why, and how come she couldn’t tell me in person. She said she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship right now and that she was scared to tell me in person. I said if was fine that she wanted to be friends, I respect her wishes, and that we were good. But I still asked to meet with her and talk about it (she offered to meet the next day, I agreed). The next day she texts me and asks if I had a good day, etc. I asked her if she still wanted to me, she said she had to go to her boss’s house for dinner (boss is a woman). I said ok, how about tomorrow. She said fine. The next day she texts me at work and says she has allergies and if we can meet another day. I said ok, hope you feel better. She said thank you. Before I go onto the disaster, I will tell you that I feel that I have been so passive around her that she felt I wasnt interested and blew me off.

So I went home that day, and got onto facebook. Her profile had me and her on her profile pic, and she cut me out of it. I got hurt and felt that she must have not had any feelings for me at all, and that she would never want to meet and talk. So I texted her this “Im sorry, but we dont have to meet anymore. With you I was something I was not. Im not a real super nice guy who wanted a serious relationship. I acted nice and reserved because I wanted to play it safe around you. Your shyness made me back off alot, but I should have said someting from the beginning. I only wanted a wild girl to have sex with and have fun. Sorry for coming off like this, but this is how I am. Sorry for being someone else with you and waiting both of our time”

she replied and asked how come i wasn’t myself, and then said shes glad I finally told her how I really felt. She then said I should become an actor because I was really good at it. Immediately reliazing what I have done, I tried to rebound it. I said I’m not a bad person, I just have a wild side too. I was getting sick of being so nice and kiss assy, and I was boring myself. Let me tell you that I was drunk when I sent these texts, I wasn’t sober at all.

She said she would have rather kept a good image of me, but now its tainted and that I fooled her. She said a good person doesnt pretend to be someone they are not to screw someone over. I then replied that Im sorry for what I said. You are an awesome girl, I was never planning on screwing you over. I still like you, but I just messed up and acted like someone Im not around you. I didn’t tell her about my problems though. Then I said I wasn’t just looking for sex, but to have fun, hang out, and enjoy life with somene. She never replied back. The was the last I ever heard from her.

The next day, realized what a bastard I was, I sent her an apology text, saying that my feelings got the best of last night while I was drinking and went off on her because I was hurt. I told her that I felt very ashamed and I apologized from the bottom of my heart. I said I did develop strong feelings for her, but I feel like I lost a good companion at the blink of an eye and I was confused as to why, and thats how I really feel. She never replied. I texted her again later and said that If you can just give me the chance to apologize, I didn’t want things to end like this. I said I didn’t mean any of those things I said. She never responded. I was bummed and disgusted at myself for saying those things.Im not really a guy looking just for sex, im not cocky, or arrogant. The reason I did all that was because I tried to show that Im not a supernice saint who doesnt want to have sex.

Anyway, a few hours later i decided to spill it all on an email, to tell her what my real problem was and why I because such a jerk. i told her how my sudden change in life caused me to be very stressed and become a totally different person, especially around her. I told her that I’m not really like that. That I’m not a passive shy guy. I told her that the guy she was first attracted to from the beginning is what I was really like and that I’m finally back to myself after an emotional release. Right now I feel better that I was able to overcome all those bottled up feelings, but I’m very bummed about what I did to her. Very very very bummed out. We were great as friends. I want to be her friend because she is so great. I really want to talk it out with her and try to give it another shot, and just be myself with her. I know she is still attracted to my physically, because she told me I’m her fantasy man, but I want to find a way to fix her image of me so I can be around her again. Its been 3-4 days since this happened. I feel the urge to call her, but everybody says to give it time. I just dont know how much time.

My ultimate goal is to be in her life again, whether we are friends or more than friends. I want to tell her why everything went wrong with us, how it went wrong, and that it was all my fault. Everybody said we looked so great together.

April, do you think I have a chance with her again? I would have to see her again anyway when I go to the dentist (my sis is the dentist and she is the receptionist). But is there anyway I can fix the damage that I caused with her. I want to ask her for a second chance, but I want to be tell her why everything happened the way it did. I want to tell her that I know why she got turned off (i know its because I was too passive), and explain why. She is so great and I never met anyone like her before. Had I started the relationship with the way I am now (no more bottled up emotions), we would be great together. I want to figure out how to prove that to her. I just need to get her to talk to me again. Any ideas? I was thinking I should wait 2 weeks and then text her and wish her a good day and stuff like that, and see if she responds. Keep in mind that I didn’t ask her for a second chance this whole time, I just asked to have her back as a friend. I want to be able to have that meeting that we were supposed to have and explain all this to her. I just wanted to let her know everything I was feeling, which I should have let her known from the start.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated April. I hope I can get my friend back.

[AskApril Masini]

I don’t buy it. 😕

I don’t believe your excuses for your behavior had anything to do with a death in the family and a new job, and I’m sure she doesn’t either. Your excuse that you acted shy because she was shy doesn’t fly either. I think you have a deeper problem and you’re covering it up with disruptive alcohol use and text messages — both of which distance you from real intimacy with yourself and anyone else.

So here’s my advice. Forget this woman, you blew it. There’s no way you’re going to get her back because you’ve been all over the map emotionally. From where she sits, you’re a big mess that she doesn’t want to be involved with. Take her polite excuses for backing out of get-togethers with you for what they are: she’s blowing you off.

Now, for some reality. You’ve only known her for 2 months, so she really can’t be all that important to you — especially since you only texted her, and didn’t talk on the phone with her (except for once a month for 2 months). You’re fantasizing a deep relationship that really wasn’t that deep at all. The question is, why?

You’re the only person who can answer that question. I suggest you stop using texts to communicate anything other than last minute time and place arrangements. Do not text anyone your feelings any more. Use the text message like an active calendar, and that’s it. Same goes for alcohol. Stop drinking for a while. Or else stop at one drink. Just one glass of wine or a beer when you go out — either with friends or on a date. If you can’t stop at one, you’ll know you have a deeper problem with alcohol.

Text messaging and alcohol appear to be two of the devices you use to distance yourself from your own feelings and sharing those feelings. You need to remove any ability you have to make excuses for yourself and start to take responsibility for your behavior. That’s how you’ll figure out why you’re doing what you’re doing that sabotaged this last relationship.

Get back out there, and start dating again, now that you have a new job, and are single and available! But be responsible for your behavior in your dating life. That’s the best way you’ll be able to not sabotage your relationships in the future.

I hope that helps — let me know how things go! 🙂

[Member]

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