[sungeun11]

Hi April,

I have met this guy recently through online dating site. He is a tall, good looking and successful guy. He also does ironman- hardcore devoted work-out guy. I’ve dated these types of guys in the past. They all seem to have something in common- Usually work in finance making tons of money, went to top schools and crazy into sports including triathlon, cycling anything that involves self- improvement and competitiveness. They have nothing more to prove because they’ve essentially achieved everything they want, so a lot of them have a huge ego. -I am sure you know what type I am talking about. ( I know I shouldn’t put a person into “types”, but I am just pointing out the similarities)

Although I don’t usually have problems with guys at the beginning, I always end up getting hurt once I open my hearts to them.

I went on a date with him twice so far. (both last week) We have not kissed yet. Needless to say, he has been texting me 20 times a day now. It is very obvious to me that since he hasn’t really gotten physical with me, he is extremely intrigued by me at this point. The sad part is I can see right through him. These guys always come to my peaceful life and convince me to go out with them and lose interest in me once I open up. And I have to deal with my broken heart for a long time after. 🙁 To be honest, I am exhausted and I just want to find a nice guy. Going through a heart break is just not worth it to me at this point of my life.

Last night, he told me about his past dating experiences. Oh boy, the way he described his short-term numerous dates was horrible and mean. To me, these girls just wanted more attention, but he considered them “crazy”. They apparently told him he was mistreating them. When I heard his story, I wanted to leave right away- red flags everywhere.

Do you think I should just get the message and just not see him now? Although I am attracted to him because he is charming after all, I am not that into him yet. However,I can see this is not going to be pretty at the end. (2 month max from now on that is)

If not, how should I handle this boy from now on?

P.S. Don’t worry, I am not going to sleep with him until I am 100% sure about him and our relationship. I’ve learnt that the hard way!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You sound like you really want a committed, monogamous relationship, and you know that you’re attracted to a certain type of guy who continues to break your heart. This guy falls into that break-your-heart category, AND you already see red flags waving — but you’re attracted to him. You’ve got a good read on the situation.

However, I’d advise you to stay true to yourself and focus on the goal — not the distractions along the way. Attraction is not enough to make a relationship last, and this guy isn’t going to give you what you’re looking for. My advice is to try a different type, for starters, than the one that continually breaks your heart. You can find some of the qualities you like in this type, for instance success, or athleticism, in other types. For instance, you may find a wildly successful computer engineer who isn’t a marathon runner, or a marketing wizard who loves to ski, but is just a seasonal athlete. In other words, broaden your horizons and use what you’ve learned about yourself, and your typical type to date smarter. 😉

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[sungeun11]

Thanks for your great advice. Here is how I handled the situation and I don’t think I handled it well.

So it has been 2 weeks since I met him and after a second date which is 2 days after I met him, he asked me to date exclusive and he canceled his membership on online dating site. He called me every night and took me to the jazz shows because he knows that I love it. He even played guitar for me through the phone. I told him I don’t want to get into physical relationship quickly and I wanted to take time and he said he admired that. So everything was really fine, but then last Friday, something went wrong at his work- he is a trader and apparently he had lost a lot of money that he couldn’t go to his sky trip he had plan for the long weekend.

He acted distant which is totally understandable, but I couldn’t stop thinking is this how it’s going to be? I understand his situation but I don’t know him long enough to know to accept his sudden change in his action. I couldn’t see him that weekend because I had already planned my weekend with others because I knew that he was going on a trip. Since then he barely texted me and I was naturally down. He called me yesterday and said sorry about his recent behavior change and he wanted to meet last night. So I went..

We had a great time but because of his recent behavior change, I had to tell him how I felt. So, before getting off the car, I told him that all I want from a guy is consistency which I told him at the beginning and I felt like I wasn’t going to get that from him. He was very upset and said that I judged him within such a short period of time without even trying to give it a time to see how he is. To be honest with you April, I totally agree with him, but I am 30 years old and I can already see what is going to happen between us as arrogant as it sounds. I know everyone and every situation is different but I really don’t want to get hurt anymore. It’s not worth it for me, April. If I continue, I will fall for him and you know…

At the end, he said if that’s how I see this relationship then he will leave me alone. He said he really liked me a lot, so if I change my mind, I should contact him.- He was upset the whole time. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed that he didn’t even fight back. I thought he would’ve at least tried to convince me a little.

After that, I barely slept last night because I wasn’t sure what I did was right but at the same time I feel relieved that I don’t have to be obsessed with what he was thinking. Should I have given him chance? Is there something deeply wrong with me? From his prospective, I guess I appeared to be a girl who didn’t understand when he was going through a hard time. Is that what is really happening here or do I actually have a legitimate reason?

Please share your wisdom as how I could have handled differently, so I can learn and grow from here.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You were not very understanding of his situation, and then you had “the talk” about your feelings and the relationship (which, if you read Think & Date Like A Man, which you should: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], you’d know men hate), and that was entirely inappropriate since you’ve only been seeing him for 2 weeks. 😯 He saw that you were not the kind of woman he was looking for, told you so, and cut his losses. He did the right thing.

You need to be very clear about what you want in a relationship, and then choose a man accordingly. If you want constancy and someone who is going to be there for you no matter what his day brings, then you need to choose someone who has those characteristics. Someone with a high powered job is not right for you. It’s high time for you to focus on what you want and don’t waste your time (or anyone else’s) by trying to turn someone who isn’t what you want into someone who is. It never works. Choosing more appropriately, on your part, is what will work. 😉 You’ll be a lot happier, and you’ll get what you want in a relationship.

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