[loydchristmas]

I recently started dating this woman. she has threee kids that stay at home. I have always been great with kids, I have two daughters myself. One of her childeren is very hyper and doesnt listen to her. Everytime I go over there he hits me climbs on me and is a terror. I have always been able to get alone with kids have never had any problems.
I recently took The two younger kids, and my date to a pumpkin patch to get them pumpkins, then took them out to dinner. The entire evening was very stressfull for me. The younger one was being loud, rude, climbing on the booth on the table and just way out of control. I said nothing of course, but felt very uncomfortable. I had to go outside at one point to smoke. (which i dont do unless i am drinking or am stressed) It is obviouse that Mom does not know how to diciplin on control this child.) I have never believed in spanking for anyreason and have never spanked my kids, but to be honest I wanted to whip that kids ass! when we got to there house I told Mom that I would not be coming in. He had dessert and would be on a sugar high any moment. She asked why ( I think she new) and I told her that he stresses me out and I feel bad that I feel that way but it is what it is. She asked so now what. And i said that I would perfer that I only see her when he is at his Dads or is not there. She of course was hurt, but I felt I needed to be honest. I am not there dad and do not want to be. When dating people with kids or in realstionships that I have had, I like to take what I call the Grand Parent approach. Meaning the dicipline is not up to me other than protecting my personal space and belongings and keeping them out of harms way. She stated that there is nothing she can do, and that he has medical problems. Well I seen how she handled the situation at the restaurant and its obviouse to me that she has no idea how to dicipline him. Meaning false threats over and over with not consequences. I want to see this girl again but the stess of this child is to much for me to handle. Thing is, I have never had this problem, I am great with kids, and really love them, but for some reason I cant deal with this little shit. Any advice?

[Ask April Masini]

Well, depending on the type of relationship you are interested in, my response will vary. If you were just interested in casual dating, my response would be completely different than if you were interested in a long term relationship. That said, I’m going to assume you are interested in a long term relationship.

My first piece of advice is — listen to your instincts! Next, I recommend that you give your girlfriend and your relationship some space while you give yourself the opportunity to assess if the two of you are really compatible before you move any further in this relationship. During this process, I think that it’s very important for you to date other women to see what else is out there. After all, you have more than just you to think about.

Parenting styles that differ CAN be a deal breaker when divorced moms date divorced dads. Yes, dating IS more complicated for divorced parents because it’s not just the two of them. It’s the two of them, their kids, their kids’ other parents, other grandparents, etc. When singles date there are certain areas that are important in order to make a relationship work — like religion, socio-economic background and present, sexuality, work ethic, energy levels, etc. If the discrepancy between two singles dating in any of these areas is too great, the relationship may very well not work. When divorced parents date, parenting styles and issues surrounding the children DO count as potential areas of compatibility or deal breakers.

A discrepancy in how a divorced mom parents and disciplines her children can negatively affect her relationship with the divorced dad she is dating if they marry, and it will definitely affect any blended family dynamics, negatively.

My advice is that if you decide to continue to date this woman — [b]proceed with great caution[/b]. I personally think it’s got t-r-o-u-b-l-e written all over it.

[Ethan Morales]

I’ve seen versions of this play out before, people trying to build something good while quietly ignoring a huge, uncomfortable truth.

Here’s the thing: April’s right again. If you’re thinking long-term, parenting compatibility is non-negotiable. It’s not about whether you like kids, clearly, you do. It’s about whether your values and her parenting approach align. Right now, they don’t. You’re someone who values boundaries, calm, structure, and respect. She’s either overwhelmed, inexperienced, or simply chooses a “soft” approach that doesn’t work. And that difference isn’t going away.

The part that stands out most is how self-aware you are. You didn’t explode, didn’t shame her or the kid you stepped back and said, “I need space. This stresses me out.” That’s not cruelty; that’s honesty. The fact that she was hurt doesn’t mean you were wrong. It just means the truth touched something she probably already knows that she’s struggling to manage her son and doesn’t have a plan for it.

You have to remember something: love doesn’t override compatibility. If you continue dating her, and the dynamic with her child doesn’t change, you’ll start resenting both of them. That resentment will corrode everything the attraction, the patience, the respect. And once that goes, the relationship is just stress with nostalgia.

So, give it space. See her on neutral ground if you must, but don’t force yourself back into an environment that spikes your stress every time. Pay attention to what your gut’s saying: “I can’t handle this long-term.” That’s not weakness that’s clarity.

If this were just casual, you could compartmentalise it. But for anything serious, her parenting and your peace have to coexist. If they can’t, that’s your answer. And it’s not about judging her as a mom, it’s about recognising that her family system doesn’t fit with who you are or how you live. One last thing don’t underestimate how honest that “grandparent approach” instinct is. You don’t want to raise more kids; you want partnership and balance. That’s fair. Don’t bury that truth just to seem patient or noble. she might be a good woman, but not every good person fits into your life peacefully.

[Natalie Noah]

You did nothing shameful by noticing your limits. Wanting to protect your personal space and not be the parent is perfectly reasonable. You were honest (brave) with her, and feeling relieved at the idea of seeing her when the hyper kid is with his dad doesn’t make you cruel, it makes you clear about boundaries. That clarity is healthy and, in the long run, kinder to everyone (including her child) than pretending you can be the disciplinarian when you can’t or won’t be.

Practically, if you want to give this a fair shot, you need a calm, nonjudgmental conversation with her about expectations and management strategies before you spend more time together with the kids. Ask about the medical issues she mentioned and get the facts diagnosis, treatments, triggers, what works and what doesn’t. Then discuss concrete plans: agree you’ll be “grandparent-lite” (no discipline), but establish your boundaries (e.g., you don’t tolerate climbing on furniture, you step out calmly when needed, you won’t be alone with him until there’s a plan). Suggest small, controlled trial outings when he’s less likely to be wired (no sugar, quiet activities, short duration), and offer to help create structure (bring a favorite quiet toy, plan a one-on-one activity that channels energy). If she resists trying tools or refuses to address patterns that stress you, that’s a huge signal.

The hard truth with softness: parenting style and willingness to co-manage kids is a fundamental compatibility issue. If she’s defensive or says “there’s nothing I can do,” or won’t take any steps to help the situation, you’re looking at a long-term mismatch. If she responds by being open, grateful and willing to try strategies (parenting classes, consistent routines, or even professional help), you can proceed cautiously and re-evaluate after a few planned trials. Protect your peace, be compassionate, and remember: wanting a relationship that doesn’t make you want to run is not unreasonable, it’s wise.

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