[psamantha]

I have been married for 12 years and have 2 children with my husband. Since the very begining of our marriage, my husband has had numerous flings. Four that I know of for sure and several suspisions. He has had girls that he will text and chat with on line. I keep believing him when he says that this is the last time and forgive him just to keep our family together. After I found him texting this girls yet again, I finally told him that I was finished with this relationship. I asked him to leave. He refused to go. It would be extremely difficult for me to pack up and go with 2 children but it is so difficult to continue to live in the same house. He now says that he is going to change and wants to go to counseling. He says he really loves me and wants to make this work. My problem is this; I can no longer trust him and I have been angry for years. I have heard the excuses before and can’t deal with it. There have been times where his behavior has put me into depression and I was on meds for that. I refuse to be on meds for the rest of my life for the things he has done. I no longer feel the love or intimacy that I felt so long ago. I don’t even want my husband touching me. I have told him these things and he says that counseling will help and goes on thinking that nothing is wrong with the relationship. I can’t help feeling this way. Do you think that counseling will really help bring back that loving feeling? Do I trust him once again just to be afraid of being hurt again? I always had suspicions about where he was and what/ who he was doing. Now I just don’t care. I don’t care where he is or what time he will be home. I don’t know what to do. Please help me.

[smartsexy007]

Dear dazed and confused,

I was married for 5 years and have a school aged child. I am now divorced 6 years and although I never experienced infidelity with my husband (he was an alcoholic) I grew up in a family with a cheating father. To this day I will never understand why my mother allows herself to be treated like this. At this point in her life (she is 70yrs old) my dad is 71 she tells me she doesn’t care what he does (he is STILL cheating on her!) but she lives a very comfortable life after raising 4 children and has never had to work a day in her life. Divorcing him now would be senseless to her because she wants for nothing and now its a lifestyle she has instead of a committed husband. She made a deal with the devil as far as I am concerned. Moreover…let me express to you I was 19 when I realized my dad was cheating on my mom. It has cost me alot of mental anguish because i love my mom and I want her to be happy. I love my dad too but can’t understand why he continues his behavior. Their situation has caused me to mistrust men in my adult life and to be very suspecious of their behavior. I hate that I feel this way but most of the times my intuition is correct. I am involved in a relationship now with someone i have known since i was 20yrs old. I trust him like know one i have ever trusted. not sure what’s going to happen but I’m taking it a day at a time 🙂

My advice to you is go through the pain and divorce him. If he has done this more than once he is addicted to the thrill and will not stop. I don’t blame you…i could never want to touch my husband if he had cheated on me multiple times either! Get to a gym, start working out and focus on yourself and your children. Its not going to be easy but I PROMISE you …..YOU and your children will be happier when its all over. YOU DESERVE THE BEST!!!!!

[Ask April Masini]

You got some very interesting and good advice here from [b]saintsaxy[/b] and [b]smartsexy007[/b]. It’s great to get such insight from others who are generous enough to share their own experiences.

What I hear in your post is that you’re finished. You’ve tried and tried, and your marriage is dead. There are many times when I think it’s important to work things out for the sake of the children, but your depression and low self esteem from chronic betrayal aren’t good for your children to be subjected to. Divorce is hard and being a single parent is hard, but you will have a chance at some peace and happiness. This isn’t a perfect situation, so you have to decide what will be the best you can make of it given the personalities involved (including the kids).

The one thing I will advise is YOU SHOULD NOT leave the house. If he won’t leave, you file for divorce, and wait until the judge issues an order to either sell the house and split the proceeds or for your husband to leave the house to you and the kids. Divorcing will be painful and things will get worse before they get better, but unlike your marriage, the divorce will finalize and you will have a shot at a life without betrayal.

I’m sorry for all your pain. I sure hope this advice helps you.

[psamantha]

I really appreciate the words of advise. I think that is what I wanted to hear. Now the next step is to figure out a way to get this all done. Why do I care about how he is going to react? He never cared about my feelings. It’s like skydiving the first time. You are all ready to go until the plane door opens, then you’re scared as hell. I am scared. Terrified. I know it is best for me and the kids. But can I do this on my own? Will my kids hate me for this? I know when they get older they will understand but what about now? I know I will be happier to start living my life again. Thank you again.

[Ask April Masini]

Proceed slowly and with caution. Getting divorced is not as easy as it sounds, and it absolutely creates derivative problems some of which you’ve already put your fingers on.

You care about his feelings because you’re empathetic and you’ve been with this man for a long time. You may always care about his feelings and be curious about his reactions — but it doesn’t mean you should live with him. So allow yourself curiosity about his feelings — just not obsession.

You can do this on your own, but you will need help. Being a single mother is hard. Co-parenting with an ex is hard. Start talking to other single parents about their experiences and learn more about what you want to do before you do it.

Yes, your kids may hate you for this. They will also hate you when you ground them for not doing homework and for when you tell them that they may not get a tattoo. Parenting is not a popularity contest. It is a responsibility to raise your children well. Focus.

That said, your children are going to go through a very rough time depending on their ages, their relationships with you, your husband, their friends and their personalities and social adjustments up to this point. Divorce is traumatic for children. Don’t kid yourself. They are going to hurt. So think carefully before doing this. That said, they are probably hurting now from having a mother who is chronically betrayed. Decide the best course for them given reality and try to balance this all with a perspective. Children do come through divorce and can become socially adjusted, successful adults — but it’s tough on them, for sure.

I know this is a lot for you to think about.

[Author]

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