[pharrigan210]

Suppose the following:

· A women gets divorced, in part, because her husband cheated

· Before that even happened, but especially because of that, the thought of cheating or having an affair, turns her stomach.

· Two years after the divorce and to her own astonishment she finds herself growing attracted to an unhappily married man.

· That was not her intent. She works with this man. Close proximity. Friendship develops. Definite chemistry. Lots of laughs

· This prompts her to engages in flirting, which she views as harmless, fun – attention without intention.

· Eventually, the unhappily married man, nudges things beyond flirting in an attempt to have an affair.

· Women feels somewhat tempted. But puts defenses up, stonewalls. Backs away from playful exchanges, but they still work together.

· Occasionally, she lets those defenses down and lets a flirty line out.
Questions:
1.Is the scenario laid out plausible
2.If so, does it happen frequently
3. What would cause her defenses to come down
4. Should the unhappily married man respect the defenses. Or should he try to break those defenses down

[AskApril Masini]

First of all, academic questions never get the best answers, so try and remove your barriers and tell me about YOUR life and what YOUR PERSONAL question is. 😉

That said, here are the answers I can give you:
[quote]Questions:
1.Is the scenario laid out plausible
2.If so, does it happen frequently
3. What would cause her defenses to come down
4. Should the unhappily married man respect the defenses. Or should he try to break those defenses down[/quote]

1. You mean successful? Because anything is plausible, but if you mean will this kind of relationship work out with a happy ending, the answer is no.

2. Yes, this happens frequently.

3. Her defenses coming down….. you probably mean to ask me why she’s flirting with a married man. The answer is usually low self esteem. She doesn’t feel like she deserves a man all to herself.

4. The unhappily married man should respect HIS OWN life! Which means that if he’s unhappily married, he should focus on the unhappy marriage and figure out why he’s unhappily married and if the situation is curable, at least in part. If he has children, he has to decide what kind of commitment he is willing to give the children and their family which he is the head of. Breaking down “the other woman’s” defenses isn’t a very brave move. It’s usually an attempt to escape his own life and to use someone who is suffering from low self esteem.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions, and if you do, try asking them in first person. It’s much easier for everyone here to respond to! 😀

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[pharrigan210]

Good point on the first person thing. I think i was doing it in the bare bones/third person because it seemed more concise. the first person version has more specifics and is therefore longer and probably more boring. LOL. but her it goes:
-I’ve worked with this women for about 2.5 years.
-i am unhappily married
-she divorced. victim of adulteery and extreme domestic violence – husband is in jail bad.
-we hit it off almost immedeately. very friendly. then very flirty.
-early on i decided i can’t go after this women. imagine the court of public opinion at work if im wrong and she rejects me and tells people. i would be tarred and feathered. and probably rightfully so.’
-but over a fairly long period of time i felt like flirting escalating and i started to fall for her more and more.
-i asked her out three times since January and have been ignored three times.
-now if the story ended there, i would have no questions. it would be obvious. she has not interest in a relationship or an affair.
-but it doesn’t end there. after the rejections she continues to flirt
-consider the following examplies. has a freind in my home town. has told me several times that driving through my home town makes her feel close to me. tells me she thinks of me when she drives past my exit. has told me more than once that at night, when she thinks of something i said to her during the day, it puts a smile on her face. tells me she loves it when i use my nickname for her. sends me email that say “missing you” because i don’t sit near her anymore.
-so here are my questions:
1. please forget about my married status for this one question. a women gets asked out by male friend. she’s not interested. wouldn’t her reaction be “i better back away.” why continue to be overly friendly and borderline flirty, when it always leads to an unwanted date request.
2. ok. please go back to the fact that i am married now: a married guy asks out a single women. there are two replies – yes or no. if it’s yes, she is interested. if it’s no, doesn’t she think he’s a creep or a jerk. how can she say no to a married man and still be friendly with him. how could she possibly not think im a jerk?
3. within days of the second rejection, she called me a “really nice guy” in a group setting. i emailed her later that day and said “you know, it’s the nice guys you have to watch out for.” she wrote back, “I know, Mr. nice guy. i’m serious about the nice guy thing. serniously. not laughing.” how can a married man who asks out a single women be viewed by the women as “a nice guy.” that just doesn’t seem to fit. don’t most women think a man that does that is a jerk?
4. is she giving me mixed signals? consider the rejections and then consider the lines “makes me feel close to you.” and “smile on face line.” are those mixed signals? if so, are they a sign that she is torn.
5. can you see why im confused? or do you think im just hearing what i want to hear?
6. do you think she is interested in me, but not interested in married guys and therefore putting her defenses up? OR is she not interested in me, but she is getting enjoying the attention? does she find it to be a ego boost? flattering?

thanks! great site!

[AskApril Masini]

Before I answer your questions, I’ve got one simple one for you:

Since you’re married, albeit unhappily, why don’t you decide to work on your marriage to make it a happy one or else decide it’s beyond repair and get divorced?

[pharrigan210]

It’s not that i don’t try. It’s that i’ve stopped trying. i don’t believe that the effort is mutual. we’ve been married for 14 years, we’ve seen a counselor. we’ve fixed a few things, but the fixes are short lived. i love my kids – 12 and 9. and am doing everything i can to stay in this marriage for them. but i now found a person where there’s a spark – perhaps there is a spark from her and im having trouble getting that outta my head.

please answer my questions on the previous post. i know there’s probably a reluctance. who wants to give advice to a man who is contemplating cheating. i, for one, would not want to give me advice. but here’s why i hope you will answer those questions: In my opinion there are two types of men that cheat or attempt to cheat on their wife
1. Most fall into this category – the creep. Out for nothing but fun on the side.
2. A small percentage fall here – good men, good fathers, that are unhappily married. they attempt to work on the marriage, but the attempts fail. they stay in their unhappy marriage for the sake of their kids. but at the same time they find some one whose company they enjoy and they have an affair or attempt to have one. they juggle like this because they want to be happy, but they dont want to leave their kids, who would be devastated. that’s why they walk the tight rope.

i fall into category 2. im a good person. never cheated. never close to cheating. but now im considering it and i feel confused. im in my 40’s. i dont think its uncommom to go through something like this at that age. and im trying to get through it. quite honestly, i dont think anything will come of this. it’s helpful to talk about it. helpful to gain perspective of what this women might be thinking. if you could answer those questions, i could be extremely grateful. thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

Since you imply that your marriage is irretrievably broken, it’s a lot better for your two young sons to see you behaving honestly. If you start cheating on their mother, eventually, you will be found out. In spite of your marriage being a bad one, and even if your wife agrees that it’s a bad marriage, I guarantee you she’s going to be furious about being cheated on. This could trigger a divorce, a custody battle and the fallout lands on your young sons. 🙁

It’s a fact that marriages fail, just as yours has. How people handle these failures is important. I know you’re trying to avoid divorce, but what you’re doing is going to be worse and have a worse effect on your family — as well as the woman who is already a victim, per your description.

I know you describe yourself as a good man and a good father, but you’re about to take advantage of your wife, your kids and this other woman who’s already a victim of abuse. You said this woman who’s “defenses you’re trying to break down” 😕 is a victim of extreme violence and abuse. These types of women who have long term histories of abuse typically think abuse is normal. Why subject her to a situation where if you succeed in having an affair with her, she’s inevitably going to fall in love with you since women usually do that when they have sex with men, knowing you’ll never be able to give her the relationship she wants?

Think about what you’re really looking for. I don’t think it’s just sex because while I don’t advocate escorts or prostitution, there are plenty of women who will have sex without a relationship. I think you’re looking to this divorcee because you want to be admired and respected and longed for. What man doesn’t? In fact, what woman doesn’t? We all want that. But you’re choosing a woman who’s very damaged and you’re basically feeding her to the lions — because you’re not interested in her well being. She may be unstable given her background and why would you even want to expose your family to someone like that. Women scorned are known to do crazy things!

In answer to your questions, she’s said no to your three requests for a date, but continued to flirt because she’s lonely and flirting makes her feel good. She’s friendly with you because she works with you and she doesn’t want to endanger her job. She called you a “really nice guy” in a group setting because she was in a group setting and didn’t want to make waves. She probably is torn, but people with her background are usually torn. It’s not you — it’s her. I see why you’re confused, but I think you’re the one confusing yourself. If a woman turns down three dates in a row, most guys would move on. She very well may be interested in you more if you weren’t married, and she very well may be enjoying the attention she gets by flirting with men, including you. As you yourself can probably attest, flirting makes people feel good, but if they read more into it than there is, they can build fantasies that aren’t based in reality.

Keep your feet on the ground and focus back on your marriage — stay in it or get out of it — and you’ll be a lot less confused! 😉

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