[YamaDarma]

My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for a little over 10 months. The last two to three months
have been rough. We seemed to fight all the time in the last two months and it doesn’t help that she won’t
talk about it calmly, and there’s also the snag that we haven’t had sex during that time as well.
Saturday night, Oct. 17 2009, we had watched a college football game together and I thought things
were going fine. After the game she asked me to take her to the store for beer. Within 15 minutes of
getting to her house she started saying hurtful things about my snoring ( strange since we haven’t
slept in the same bed in the last two months), and a few other things that shouldn’t have been brought
up. I asked her 5 times to lower her voice and drop the subject but she wouldn’t so I got angry of course
and left. I thought if I left her alone for a while to think about what she had done and said things would
smooth over. I waited about 2 hours and decided to go back to see if we could talk. To my surprise
there was a car in the driveway belonging to a guy she claims is just a friend. That in itself wouldn’t
have perturbed me in any other situation, but because of the fight we had had it upset me due to the fact
that it was after midnight. Not only had she let him in as if nothing wrong between us, she let him spend the
night. I confronted her about it today and she had the gall to say she did nothing wrong. I say she did because
all it did was put more fuel on the fire. How can I get her to understand that so our relationship can be salvaged?

[optimistvik]

I do agree what she has done is very bad. but she is acting like this only in recent times so try to find out what is really troubling her. why she is angry on you. if you dont get an answer for this question wait for some days to see if things are turning around if not just continue with your life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your girlfriend is trying to break up with you, and she’s not doing it very gracefully. When people can’t express their feelings articulately, they act out. Your girlfriend is picking fights, and having another guy spend the night, so she can instigate a break up without actually telling you that’s what she wants to do.

My advice to you is not to waste any more time with someone who isn’t acting like she wants to be your girlfriend. If you don’t call this what it is, she’s only going to bring more drama into the relationship in order to get you to break up with her.

I hope this helps! 🙂

[YamaDarma]

Thanks for the advice. I have avoided her for a few days and had intended to do so longer. Problem is the only
route I can take my dog for a walk takes me right past her house. She I think intentionally was sitting on her
porch and called his name and of course he scrambled to her. We talked for a few minutes and I told her if
she wanted it over bewteen us I would agree with no problem. She said “No, it’s not over. We’re going to start
over as just friends. I said ok then if that’s what you want. Then she criticized me about my cut-off shorts by telling me some neighbors had told her they were too short and showed my genitals. If they had a problem with it
they should have came to me not her. That’s what I said. To make a long story short I told her that if she wanted
to start over she needs to stop criticizing me. Was I in the right on that or not?

[optimistvik]

You are right and going in the right direction

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Gee, she sure doesn’t sound like a friend to me. Anyone who orders you around, dictates the terms of your relationship and then criticizes your clothes is someone you’d really be best without.

Rather than trying to get her to stop criticizing you, I think you need to move on. She’s not treating you like a friend or a boyfriend. You can do a lot better, but you have to value yourself, first. If you do, then someone who also values you will come into your life. But if you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat, then that’s how she’s going to continue to treat you.

It’s a shame to see you allowing someone who doesn’t respect you in your life.

If you feel like a good read, check out my book written for men who want to date smart, and get a great woman, called Date Out of Your League [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. I think you’ll get a lot out of it at this time in your life. If you do buy and read it, let me know if it helps.

Good luck!

[YamaDarma]

I guess I barked too soon. Last evening she caught me and my dog again and invited me in to talk. At first we were getting along but then she started the analyzing thing on me (she is a licensed social worker but an alcoholic), I said I thought we were starting over why are you bringing up the past?
she said ok. We talked a little longer and I asked if she wanted to come with me to finish my dog’s walk. She said let me finish these last few sips and we’ll go. We had a nice walk and a decent conversation. When we got back to her house she wanted to go to the store for cigarettes (she insisted that my dog go with us). When we got back to her house she asked if my dog and I would like to visit a while longer. I thought ok this is going in the right direction. WRONG.
Her sister-in-law showed up ( she has a key to her house) all beat up by her husband (black eyes no less) which is my so-called girlfriend’s brother.
I kept my cool but my girlfriend which we’ll call her Melly, started her criticizm of me in front of her sister-in-law.
I kept my cool for a while but then I reminded her we were starting over and to drop the subject. Several times this happened. To make a long story short I lost even though I was in the right on every point. Needless to say I left. After carefull thought I wrote a nice short letter telling her how I felt and that if she really wanted it to work she needed to meet me half way. I walked up to her house to tape the letter to her door but guess what? The young punk that was there over the weekend showed up as I was getting there. This was at 2:30 a.m.
As it was dark and I wasn’t seen I decided to walk by unnoticed. I heard her answer the door and either she said “I f*** up, or she said I’m f***ED up”. I couldn’t tell for sure. Nowe since I was already there I waited til the door was shut then taped the letter to her door. But because I was miffed at the situation I called her sister-in-law’s cell phone to say tell Melly that if she can’t show me she really loves me with physical affection, why wouldn’t she write me a love note or something? I’ve wrote her several when I couldn’t be available.
About 15 minutes later that little punk called ME and ran his mouth and I said it was none of his business.
He bowed up like King Kong and challenged me to a fight. Big mistake on his part considering I’m a former special forces soldier. I ended up not going to fight him because she is not worth going to jail over. I would lose my security clearance and any hope of getting a decent job.
I still love her very much but refuse to be treated that way again. A woman I lived with for 5and a half years did that to me for 4 and a half of those years.
I made that clear before she called that young punk last night. I’d rather die than be treated that way anymore.
Am I wrong?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You obviously didn’t read my last post — and if you did, you didn’t take my advice. 🙁

What you are doing instead, [i]is exactly what I cautioned you against[/i], and sure enough, you’re creating more drama by doing so.

If you “refuse to be treated that way again,” then stop contacting her, and stop seeing her. Otherwise, you’re going to continually be treated like a doormat.

Sometimes people have to really hit their bottom before they change their behavior, and if you haven’t been treated badly enough yet, eventually you will, and you’ll figure out that this woman is emotionally abusive, but worse than that, you’re making yourself a willing victim.

I’m sorry for your pain. I hope you decide to change your behavior and value yourself.

[YamaDarma]

Thank you for listening to me and all the advice. I have not contacted her since then and even refuse to let my dog near her house. I have no choice going by her house though when I take him for his walk since my house is in a cul-de-sac. If I could find another route I would. All I can do is ignore her , act like I don’t know her, and drag my dog away when she calls his name.
It’s not fair to him, but what is fair nowadays?
He’s just a little dog with a big heart. Everyone in the neighborhood knows him and he’s just as happy as can be
when they pet him. LOL even the small kids in this area aren’t afraid of him. He’s just a little Scottish terrier.
Anyway, Thanks for everything. I won’t let her or any other woman treat me like that again.
I’ve done without female companionship for almost 11 years before until I met Melly. I can do it again for the
rest of my life if I have to. I don’t care anymore LOL! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It would be a shame for you to take this one rejection, and rule out [b]all women [/b]for the next 11 years. I would never advise that. What I would advise is to really look at your part in the relationships you have with women and figure out where you can make adjustments so that you can find and be in a relationship with someone who loves you and respects you, and can have a healthy and happy romance with you. You deserve that. I hope you’ll get over this break up and move on because there are other wonderful women out there — you just have to figure out which ones are for you! 🙂

[YamaDarma]

Hwllo, everyone,
I lost my battle for Melly’s love a few months ago. It cost me my honor and pride and self-esteem, but I didn’t beg for her to try to make it work. I was 47 when I met her, I’m 47 now and feel like I’m 67. I will NEVER fall in love again.
To the guys out there, watch out cause she is not the only shark in the ocean.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry your relationship didn’t work out. I hope you’ll come to realize that there are A LOT of good women out there. You just have to decide that you want one of them.

For next time — you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your honor or your self-esteem for a relationship. You just have to pick better.

I’m here if you need me! 🙂

[Marcus king]

I can feel how hurt and confused you are and you’re right to feel that way. After a fight, most people would expect space and time to cool off, not to find their partner spending the night with another guy. Even if nothing physical happened, it’s a clear sign of disrespect toward your feelings and the relationship.

You can’t make her understand if she doesn’t want to. You’ve already explained how that situation made you feel if she still refuses to see why it was wrong or how it affected your trust, that says a lot. Relationships can only heal when both people take responsibility and care about each other’s emotions.

Right now, focus on protecting your peace. Tell her calmly one last time that what she did crossed a line for you, and then step back. If she truly values you and the relationship, she’ll show it through her actions not just words.

[PassionSeeker]

It sounds like you’ve been through a painful and exhausting relationship, and it’s understandable that you feel defeated. But please remember one toxic partner doesn’t define your worth or your future. Your ex’s behavior shows she wasn’t ready or capable of a healthy relationship. Picking fights, inviting another man over, and criticizing you were all signs she wanted control, not connection.

You did the right thing by walking away and protecting your peace. Real love doesn’t require you to sacrifice your dignity or self-respect. Healing will take time, but instead of swearing off love forever, focus on rebuilding yourself emotionally and mentally. Reflect on what you learned, set clearer boundaries, and rediscover what makes you happy outside of a relationship.

Healthy love exists, but it starts with valuing yourself first. When you truly believe you deserve respect, you’ll attract someone who gives it freely no games, no manipulation, just mutual care and honesty. You haven’t lost the capacity to love — you’re just learning who’s truly worthy of it.

[Ethan Morales]

The core issue From your description, there are two major problems: Communication breakdown The fights, her inability to talk calmly, and your repeated requests for her to drop the subject not being honored have created tension.

Boundary and trust issues Her letting another man spend the night after a fight is a major violation of relationship trust and a strong signal that she’s emotionally checked out or testing the boundaries. Even if she says she “did nothing wrong,” the impact of her actions on you is real it’s normal to feel hurt, betrayed, or upset.

What her behavior suggests Picking fights over small things (like snoring) after months of tension can be a passive way to provoke a reaction or distance herself. Allowing another man to spend the night, especially right after a conflict, undermines your security in the relationship and signals a lack of commitment. Her denial of wrongdoing is a classic pattern of deflecting responsibility, which prevents honest communication and problem-solving. This does not mean you are overreacting; her choices are disrespectful to your role as a partner.

Why trying to make her understand may not work If she is unwilling to see her behavior as hurtful, trying to force understanding or salvage the relationship alone is unlikely to succeed. Relationships require both people to recognize their part in conflicts and work together to solve issues. Right now, she seems unwilling to do that.

Recommended approach Step back and reassess Ask yourself if this is a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and safe. Set firm boundaries If you continue the relationship, make clear what behaviors are unacceptable (e.g., other men spending the night, ongoing verbal attacks). Communicate clearly and calmly If you decide to talk, focus on your feelings and needs rather than accusing her. Example: “I felt hurt and unsafe when another man spent the night after our argument. I need to feel valued and respected in this relationship.” Consider ending it – If she dismisses your feelings and refuses to make changes, it may be healthier to move on. Staying in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries can be emotionally draining.

The bigger picture You deserve a partner who values you, communicates effectively, and respects your emotional needs. Trying to salvage a relationship with someone who refuses to acknowledge their behavior can trap you in a cycle of frustration and hurt. Moving forward may involve letting go for your own emotional health, even if that feels painful initially.

Her denial of wrongdoing and boundary-crossing actions indicate a serious mismatch in respect, communication, and commitment. Trying to make her understand alone is unlikely to solve the underlying issues. Protect your emotional well-being, set clear boundaries, and prioritize a relationship where respect and trust are mutual.

[Member]

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