[zew16]

Recently a girl who I have been friends with and gotten close to for five months was dumped by her first love (3 year relationship). We both have had a thing for each other for a while but most importantly we both know we genuinely care about each other. This past week I asked her to a formal with a very personal gift but she said she couldn’t go because she was already going with someone else. The next day we talked about it in depth for 2.5 hours and I’m not sure what to make of it. I tend to over analyze everything and jump to conclusions but I really want to proceed in the right manner because she is extraordinarily special to me.

During the conversation, she said that she did have feelings for me over the summer but buried them deep because she was in a relationship where she gave everything. She also said that the only constant she found in life were friends and over the last year too many of those had left and now her best friend (ex BF) was gone for good so she was looking for people that weren’t going to leave her. She said this was the main reason she chose not to pursue anything with me at the moment because she couldn’t lose someone else and she couldn’t give herself to anyone or make someone her everything right now. But then she told me that she recently met a guy whom she has started seeing regularly for about two weeks now who makes her laugh, smile and be happy without any attachment or commitment. He is going abroad next semester and she said that was actually a relief because that meant there were no expectations. After I told her that I wasn’t going to leave her and that I would always be there for her and was was willing to put myself through hell just to wait for her she cried and said that she had always wanted to hear a guy say that to her and that I was the first person to truly like her for who she was which she didn’t think possible. but she said she can’t be in that type of relationship right now.

Some key things that she said which I thought were important were that:

She knew I was the better fit for her than this guy and that she’d have a better relationship with me. She on her own labeled my feelings as live and said she was okay with that. She said that If neither of us were going anywhere then what was I so worried about. And she said that when I asked her to go to the formal but she already said yes to this guy that she nearly died inside. And After the conversation we hugged very intimately for about two minutes while she cried.

I don’t know how to interpret all this. It sounds like she knows we should be together and that she wants to be together but that she just can’t get into something that serious right now. Do you think this is the case or am I just being optimistic? Is this other guy a rebound or could it end up being a long term thing even with him going abroad?

Lastly, where do I go from here. She is worth waiting and fighting for and we want to be in each other’s lives no matter what. But how do I act? I want to continue to grow closer to her and and hang out but is that right when she’s with this guy? Part of me feels like I should make it known that I’m not going away while the other part makes me think I should withdraw and just let her be. Please help, I truly do not want to mess things up and push her away/lose her.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m very sorry you’re confused and hurt. 🙁 I don’t know how old you are, so please tell me if you write back. I’m guessing that you’re on the young side of the dating arena, and maybe don’t have a lot of dating experience, which is why this relationship you have with a woman you’d like to date, is taking up so much of your “center stage.” 😉 But I trust you’ll fill me in.

There’s not a lot to interpret here — it’s pretty much all on the surface. You asked her out, she said no. You pursued her with conversation, and she gave you that. The trick here is to stay focused on what you want, and not veer off course. So, if you want to date her, then you have to be the guy who dates her — not someone who falls into the friend zone. 😮

[quote]I don’t know how to interpret all this. It sounds like she knows we should be together and that she wants to be together but that she just can’t get into something that serious right now. Do you think this is the case or am I just being optimistic?[/quote]

I can help you with the interpretation. 🙂 You’ve known her for five months. If she really thought the two of you should be together, she’d do something about it. 😉 When people say they don’t want to date you because they don’t want a serious relationship right now, it means they don’t want to date you. You can try and manipulate it to make yourself feel better, but I think it’s just going to prolong your pain. Be honest with yourself, and when you ask someone out on a date and they say no, either move on, or continue to pursue her as a date. But keep it clear so you don’t have to endure any pain that comes from your own attempt at leveraging a no into something more.

[quote] Is this other guy a rebound or could it end up being a long term thing even with him going abroad?[/quote]

It sounds like she likes him and although she gave you a story about not wanting to be with anyone who’s going to leave her, she’s dating a guy she knows will be going abroad. 🙄 When someone’s words and actions don’t match up, trust their actions. She likes him — that’s why she’s dating him. She put her fear of abandonment on the back shelf because he’s fun and attractive.

[quote]Lastly, where do I go from here. She is worth waiting and fighting for and we want to be in each other’s lives no matter what. But how do I act? [/quote]

You should try to stay out of the friend zone. [i]Because[/i] you like her so much, there’s much more danger of you falling into that friend zone. 😮 Stay clear on the fact that you want to date her, and don’t hang out as friends. You can bring her flowers, ask her out on a date again, and let her know you’re the guy who will fight to make her yours, but you’re not going to take a back seat! 😉

[quote]I want to continue to grow closer to her and and hang out but is that right when she’s with this guy? [/quote]

If you want to grow closer and hang out — more than you want to date her, you’ll wind up in the friend zone. And you won’t be her true friend because you’re attracted to her, and you want to take the place of the guy she’s dating. That makes it difficult to be honest in a friendship. 😉

[quote]Part of me feels like I should make it known that I’m not going away while the other part makes me think I should withdraw and just let her be. Please help, I truly do not want to mess things up and push her away/lose her.[/quote]

You can’t lose something you don’t have. I think you feel that hanging out means you have a toehold on a relationship with her, but it’s not really true. You have to be a guy who wants to date her, if that’s what you want — and you have to be clear about that. Otherwise, she won’t see you as that man. She’ll see you as someone she can talk to about guys she wants to date, dates she’s going on, and the relationship she’s in with this new guy. You don’t have to withdraw, but you do have to recreate the way you interact with her. Don’t be the friend — be the boyfriend you’d like her to date. 😀

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