[Megishere]

OK, I’m going to be totally honest with what happened.

Met a guy online and we arranged to meet last Thursday night. When I arrived to meet him (at an ice cream shoppe), he was already midway through his ice cream (I had told him earlier I was fine to skip it, but still thought it was a little rude), stood up to say hello to me, then sat back down, made no eye contact, was completely disengaged with me and insulted me twice in 2 minutes. I was pretty stunned. I got up and told him I was going to leave, as I didn’t come out to be insulted.

So, he settled in and changed his tune, and became quite nice. We went for drinks, and some appetizers. He made eye contact the rest of the date, asked me a lot of questions about my romantic history, and told me all about his baggage. He has a super bitter attitude towards women (married twice, wife cheated), and would make these sweeping generalizations about how “all women this or that”. But, when he wasn’t acting like a bitter prick, we had a great time and truly had a lot in common.

He walked me to my car, inititated three hugs and a quick peck on the lips, and wouldn’t let me leave for 30 minutes. Kept coming up with reasons to keep me around. Still, at the end, he said he would call me the next day to see that I made it home OK. The whole date lasted FIVE hours.

What threw me, is that he never once complimented me on the date nor said he had a good time with me. I’m not saying I’m so high maintenance I need that, but on a first date, you’d like some sign the guy is into you, right? If I tried to flirt, he wouldn’t bite. He also didn’t ask me out for another date, and didn’t give me a real kiss goodnight, so, I’m feeling insecure and figuring I’m a friend (he made a point of telling me that every woman he’s met online has become a friend and nothing more). I mean, besides spending 5 hours with me and laughing his butt off, I had no clue if he was into me or had fun, OR, most importantly, was even attracted to me.

Sure enough, he called the next night to say hi and blah blah blah. Didn’t ask me to call him back, but I did anyway, an hour later. Got his VM as well, and I said for a second time that I had a great time on our date – trying to encourage him, I’m thinking.

Two days later, he texts me during the day about sports games. That night, he calls me, I missed the call, and he leaves a message going on about sports once again, and asked me some game score, and can I let him know who won. At this point, I’m thinking I’m a sports buddy/secretary.

Later that night, under the influence of an ambien – lol, I text him and said I know he doesn’t want to date me, but does he want me to fix him up with someone I know? Figuring he’d respond and say that of course he wants to date me! Totally passive/aggressive, I know, but this guy isn’t exactly big on direct communication. Instead, he responds and asks me stuff about her – half-heartedly, but still – do I have a pic, what color hair does she have… I again said something about him friendzoning me, and he said he was thinking we’d be good friends. WTF. At this point, I figure I got my answer. So, I told him I wasn’t looking for new friends, that I’m looking for someone to date, and that I won’t handle a demotion to friend and hang around as one, and that this is maybe the second time I’ve ever met someone from online and it didn’t materialize into more, so I don’t handle rejection well, and that once I’ve made the introduction to my friend, I’m over and out. Still, he said much of nothing. Finally I said it was nothing personal, that this is what I’m looking for. He wrote back and said, “Got it. Nothing personal. Thanks for the referral.”

And that was our last contact on Sunday night.

What’s bothersome to me, is I’m trying to figure out if I blew this and he was some great prince of a guy, or, if he really is a mean and bitter guy with a ton of baggage. I feel like he was a total mixed message. If I was just a friend, then why spend 5 hours with me? Why call me the next night if I’m just a buddy? Why contact me twice two days later if I’m just a buddy?

Yes, I may have knee-jerked and dumped him prematurely, and he may have made the friend comment feeling I rejected him by offering up a friend, but what else was I to do?

More importantly, do I do anything NOW??!!

[Ask April Masini]

Seriously? 😯

You wrote me 12 paragraphs. The first one was one sentence. After the second one, I had no idea why you a) stayed on the date and b) continued to chase this guy (or any guy). 😕

I wish I could you that this guy had the big problem here, but (buckle up, please, here it comes……) the real problem is you. You don’t know how to date for success. You’re wasting time and energy — and this one is a no brainer. I can only imagine the chaos you can create in your head and in your relationship where the guy isn’t as obviously not into you as this one is.

My advice is to immediately buy and read Think & Date Like A Man [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]! Next, don’t spend a second more on this guy. He doesn’t like you. He spent five hours on a date with you because he’s looking for a female friend and you put up with his nonsense, where other women wouldn’t have.

I’m sorry if this is blunt, but I hate seeing you wasting time and dating someone so clearly not right for you. Let me know how things change for you after you read Think & Date Like A Man. I predict a great outcome — but only if you’re willing to do the work. 😉

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Megishere]

OK, thanks, April!

I’m trying to understand your answer.

First off, I never chased him, as I never initiated a shred of contact. I only responded when he contacted me, except for the last time, when he asked me to return his call, and I didn’t call him back at all. I actually never pursue men. Period.

As for staying on the date – totally guilty as charged and in retrospect, I should have left. BUT, in my defense, I stood up and told him I was leaving, and then he became decent. I’ve had a long history of blowing guys off too soon, so I didn’t want to do the same thing, even though I thought he was being a total jerk and yes, I wondered if he was testing me.
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So, what you’re saying is that you don’t think he liked me at all (romantically), spent 5 hours with me, continued to call me and text me but still didn’t like me, except to consider me a friend. I guess what I don’t get, is why he would bother to contact me so much if he wasn’t interested in dating me. I don’t know anyone who would put this much effort into a new “buddy”.

I don’t think I’m ultimately missing out on anything here, but all rejection hurts, and I don’t have a lot of experience with it. I’m also a bit disappointed because on paper, he was everything I’d look for.

I will also say that he told me the last 5 dates he had before me he also “friendzoned”.

I’ll pick up the book. Thanks so much for the quick and honest reply. 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

Let me clarify my response: It isn’t clear if he asked you out on a date or not, or paid, but when you met him at the ice cream parlor he had already ordered and was halfway through his ice cream. 😯 Then he stood to say hello, made no further eye contact and insulted you twice in two minutes. 😕 That should have been enough to make you realize he either wasn’t a nice guy to anyone, or just to you.

It’s a stumper why you’d want to know him more. What I hear is you making excuses for his behavior and saying things like: “….when he wasn’t acting like a bitter prick, we had a great time….” 😯 I don’t think anyone should have a second date with someone they describe this way. Or someone who doesn’t compliment you.

When I mentioned that you were chasing him, what I’m trying to help you with is to become the prize girlfriend — the one that men want to chase and win over. If you enable guys who are rude and don’t value you, you’re going to be stuck with them. It’s not what you want for yourself, and it’s not what I want for you. But…. YOU have to change your behavior — and that’s where Think & Date Like A Man [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] will help you! 😀

[Megishere]

No, he paid for the drinks and appetizer. He did ask me if I wanted an ice cream when I arrived, and I declined, as I had told him earlier in the day I wasn’t into it.

I get what you’re saying – the fact that even staying showed him I devalued myself. Agreed. 🙁

Again, not an excuse, just an explanation, but I always dump guys. Always but always. And because I do, I really do question when I dumping a legitimate jerk, or someone who could have been a good guy but I’m knee-jerking. Yes, my gut was telling me to walk after the way he was when I showed up, but then the other side that always blows guys off was saying, “give him a chance, girl. You are not without issues yourself, so give him a third strike.”

What was perplexing, is that after his inital comments, he was pleasant and nice. Even the days since our date, he was never mean nor inappropriate. I could easily have dismissed it as nerves and therefore him being a jerk without realizing it. I don’t know.

I don’t want to make excuses for him, no, and I deleted all his info on Sunday night, so it’s not like I am considering him an option. I was just looking for an opinion on it all.

Thanks, again. You’ve been very helpful. 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

You’re welcome — and thanks for the compliment! 😀

I think you’re getting to the real problem now — it’s not this guy — it’s that you’re having problems with the editing process in dating. How old are you? How many years have you been dating?

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