[wer45]

I met this girl online and we hit it off. She ended up giving me her number and we started texting. Before we even hung out, she started escalating things telling me she walks around in her underwear and even sent me a pic of just her legs. I didn’t know how to take it but kept texting anyway. I invited her to come over to hang out that weekend and she started telling me she couldn’t wait to kiss me and cuddle with me. Well she came over and one thing led to another and we had sex. That night she asked me if I was gonna keep talking to her, and I said yeah why wouldn’t I? She said just making sure. She then tells me about how she just got a divorce earlier in the year and she ended up with a guy after who used her. So over the next few weeks she kept escalating things and calling herself my girlfriend and it kind of scared me and I didn’t know how to take it. I have been in some bad relationships and I wanted to be sure she was the right one. I told her I didn’t know if I wanted a relationship right now. She came over 3 more times and each time she initiated sex. I would get insecure when she wouldn’t text back sometimes. As would she. Then after that she stopped coming to see me. I felt as if she was pulling away so I tried to give her space and then she’d text me and say I guess we’re not talking anymore. And I would tell her I feel like she gave up on me. And she’d say I’m sorry I’ve been really busy and I’m depressed and have a lot going on. We still texted like we were dating but we fought all the time because I’d ask her to come see me and she never would. I told her i did want a relationship with her but I don’t know if she believed me. I ended up posting something on instagram that said I don’t want a relationship I want someone I can chill with and if it turns into a relationship, great. And she took major offense to it. She also used to get mad or bring up things I would post. I eventually got concert tickets for me and my friend and she got mad because I didn’t ask her to go. That bothered me because she hadn’t made an effort to see me but expected me to take her to a concert? I frustratingly ended things because I felt that insecure that she’d think I should take her when she hasn’t come around. The next day I apologized because I felt I came off a little rude in our messages. I told her I really wanted to date her and asked if she believed me. She said no. She said she thought the concert would of been a really cool first date. But I couldn’t get off the fact that she hadn’t come see me so how could I be sure she still wanted me other than by words? She said we need to work on things and it’s gonna take time, but that she was falling in love with me from the first time we slept together and she’s scared to get close because she doesn’t want me to hurt her again. I told her let me prove it to her let me take her on a date and show her I’m serious. She said she’s tired of the fighting and just wants this to work out. I said if u just come see me and let me take you out you will have nothing to worry about. She agreed to it. So I tried to set up a date for that week. Asking her when she was free but even though she was free all week, she had an excuse for every plan I made. It would frustrate me and we would fight again. She told me she wanted me to be her valentine and that she was gonna send herself roses to work because no one had ever sent her roses before. All of this is making me skeptical because I felt she was vying for attention but only through text. I kept trying to see her over the next month. Asking her to dinner, to go on a date and sometimes to even come over. There was always a reason. And if I got mad itd become a fight. I remember I was in a store 200 feet away from her one day and I asked her to come over and say hi. And she said I’ll try, the little girl I’m with is tired. After I said just for a minute I want to see you she said she says she’s tired and wants to go home. So I asked if she wanted me to meet her outside? She said no that’s ok. I don’t want her asking 1000 questions. That basically told me she wasn’t looking to see me. For whatever reason. I asked her to come over later that night and she said she doesn’t wanna have to go put air in her tire cause she has to every time she goes somewhere. I told her it doesn’t take long, and she said yeah but it’s cold. But it’s 42 degrees out? She then got slightly irritated. And I told her if she doesn’t wanna come that’s fine but lay off the excuses. She said omg it wasn’t an excuse. Bye. I Replied with an OK emoji. I had found out a little later my dog I got with my ex had passed away. And posted it to Facebook. She texted me and asked who’s dog it was and I explained it to her. She said sorry for ur loss. And I said how I needed to pull myself together and she replied with this “Go to bed. Go be with her. She probably needs comfort too. I took that as a smartass comment. Even if I care about my dog, that doesn’t mean me and my ex are on good terms. The next day we fought about it. She told me she was being honest she wasn’t being a smart ass. That pets are like your kids and if any of her pets with her ex died she’d be over there with him. The convo turned into us and the frustration of the situation. She said she still has problems trusting me because of things I said that hurt her. And I explained how I was trying and the ball is in her court because I’m tired of trying to make her a part of my life and getting nothing in return. She then said she thinks we need to start over. That she misses how we were in the beginning. She loves me and wants this to work. We need to get comfortable with each other again before we can hang out. She was heading to the hospital to see why she was having migraines and insomnia so I told her well talk about it but to worry about her right now. She said maybe we shouldn’t talk for a few days and i said don’t worry about us just worry about u and text me later and let me know what they say. Well the next day we were talking and she said she was going to see her therapist and ask her what we should do. Apparently the therapist told her we should be friends and go from there. You never know what the future holds. I took that as her saying she’s no longer interested. And I told her I don’t understand how someone can have such strong feelings and not want to see me. So I gotta walk away for me. She said good luck I’ll always be here if u wanna talk! I’ve been back and forth ever since trying to figure out if she was just playing games or if she was serious. What do you think?

[AskApril Masini]

If a woman meets you and sleeps with you the first time she meets you, without there even being a real date, and she does the same for the next few times after that, she’s probably doing the same with other men, as well. When she then refuses to go on a real date with you, and instigates fights, she’s being passive aggressive about rejecting you.

To change the dynamic, your part in this is to ask her out on a date, if that’s what you want. If she doesn’t go with you, move on. Don’t ask over and over when you keep getting rejection. It seems like you’ve created a relationship out of strife. Of the time you two communicate, it appears that over 90% of it is conflict.

My advice is to move on and be a little more focused on what you’re looking for in a relationship. 😉 I hope that helps.

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[screed22]

I am sorry if this is crossing the line. But can I ask the name of this girl, or at least where you guys live? This sounds eerily similar to a situation I’m currently going through with a girl right now. It’s scary how it sounds like the exact same girl.

[wer45]

I have asked her to go on a date multiple times. But she had given me reasons why she can’t each time. Using many different excuses. And saying she had a hard time trusting me because ive said things that hurt her. But if she really wanted this to work, she would give me another chance and not hold it over my head. That’s why I ended things. Thank you for reassuring me!

[wer45]

She has a lot of abandonment and trust issues from her divorce that’s why I thought maybe I had became too pushy asking to go on dates all the time and in the beginning me not asking for a date came off as if I only wanted sex. Especially saying i dont know if i want a relationship right now. She didn’t help by escalating feelings and telling me she thinks she loves me and wants this to work, asking to start over etc. She mentioned needing time to get comfortable again but I took that as a way to keep me around at a distance. I’m sure the fighting didn’t help.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like it’s a good thing that you decided to move on. 😉

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[wer45]

Well, I didn’t think I’d be replying on here again but this girl I had a fling with and her making excuses not see me but escalate feelings has tried to come back in my life. After about 2 weeks of no contact she sent me a Snapchat which I believe was a mass. I ended up sending her one week later and she sent me a reply saying she missed those eyes and I asked why and she said cause I do so I just let it go. She sent me more mass snaps throughout the week and reached out when she saw stuff I did to my house but I replied to none of it. Then I sent a mass a few days ago just to see if shed reply and she messaged me and asked if I ever think about her. I told her just to text me and gave her my number. She told me how she never deleted it and preceeded over the past few days to tell me how she really misses me, she wants to come see me. She asked me if im seeing anyone and said she has a lot of what ifs about everything which I took as the way things happened. I haven’t given her too much to go off of, I would like to see where this goes but I’m doing it cautiously for me and let her earn her way back into my life. Any suggestions on what I should do? Should I cancel the plans she made to see me next week? Or anything else. I know she has a lot of issues and has abandonment issues from her divorce but I also know I was too clingy and insecure as well. I don’t know if maybe I’m not thinking clearly or maybe the time apart gave insight that I’m not the insecure guy I was then. What do you think I should do.

wer45 5 Wed Feb 18, 2015 11:21 am

[AskApril Masini]

This is the advice I gave you last time, about this woman: [quote]To change the dynamic, your part in this is to ask her out on a date, if that’s what you want. If she doesn’t go with you, move on. Don’t ask over and over when you keep getting rejection. It seems like you’ve created a relationship out of strife. Of the time you two communicate, it appears that over 90% of it is conflict. [/quote]

I think it’s good advice. 😉 If you want this to be a real relationship, then you have to treat like one.

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[wer45]

We have plans set up for Wednesday coming up but I guess I’m kinda nervous because us texting is nothing but small talk right now. Just basically hey how are you stuff. I’m afraid if I don’t do something to change it, she will think I’m not interested and walk away. But I don’t want to do too much and have her feel I’m being pushy like before.

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like you’re nervous about rejection. 😉 This is normal, but it’s also a challenge to overcome. Keep your eye on your goal — which should be getting to know her and letting her get to know you, as well as having a nice time, so you can decide if you want to continue dating her. If your goal is to prevent rejection, you’re going to have problems because you’ll focus on keeping her in the game, instead of deciding if you’re compatible with each other. 🙂

Make sure that Wednesday is a real date. Call her to tell her you’d like to pick her up, take her out and set a time. Create a date that sets the mood for romance and getting to know each other. If you’re worried about making conversation, take her on an activity date where you go biking or you walk through a museum, rather than simply sitting at a table staring at each other over cocktails or plates of food. If you’re actually doing something together like walking through the zoo, you have that activity to talk about if all else fails!

Hope that helps.

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