[Arekusandaa]

Hello,

I met a girl I liked at college and after getting to know her a little asked if she’d like to try dating, an offer she declined. The next school year we started hanging out more and getting to know each other better, mostly on my initiative but with her seeming willing enough.

Eventually we ended up watching part of a movie late one night and while we were watching she put her head on my shoulder. The next day we got together to finish the movie and, feeling a little uncomfortable, she said she wanted to make sure I hadn’t misinterpreted her behavior, and that she still wasn’t romantically interested in me. I had assumed not, because it had seemed like “casual” cuddling to me, and that out of the way we watched the rest of the movie feeling more comfortable with each other and cuddling again.

Some time later we watched another movie at night and cuddled a little more intimately, she leaning into me, and stayed cuddling and talking about our personal lives a bit after the movie was over. We both got pretty tired and when I finally got up to leave we talked for awhile standing up, both of us feeling a little “late night silliness”.

I decided shortly thereafter for several reasons to take a leave of absence, possibly to transfer to another school aftwerwards, and the next time we watched a movie together was two nights before I left. We leaned into each other while watching it and when it was over we ended up lying down, I on my back and she resting on top of me, and we talked more into the night. This time I put my hand on her side, while she rested her hand on my chest. She eventually started gently rubbing me with her thumb, apologizing after a minute but not stopping. I’d been refraining from doing the same out of respect for her boundaries, but started rubbing her side now. We continued this while talking for awhile until she decided she should go to bed and I left.

I had been deliberate to always ask for her permission before touching her, eg leaning my head on hers or putting my arm on her, and at one point she told me that so long as I didn’t try to hold her hand or kiss her she was fine — she didn’t mind if I played with her hair, say, and I presumably could have put my arm around her sooner. She did make a point of saying that she wasn’t interested in me on numerous occasions, and when we weren’t relaxed and cuddling we tended to have a different sort of dynamic where she seemed annoyed and/or inconsiderate of my feelings — as opposed to our dynamic when we didn’t know each other so much, where she was politer. We would typically get dinner together every day, and while it seemed to me that I was usually making the initiative she did invite me to do things several times.

On one level I couldn’t help being attracted to her emotionally and physically when around her, and I’d say she knew this, but at the same time I respected her insistence that she wasn’t interested in me. I’m also not the sort of young man who just wants sex — cuddling was fine if not better for me, though my instinct would have been to be more fully “protective” with my arms and body position, and there was a large part of me that would have enjoyed falling asleep with her. Day to day, when we weren’t relaxing at night, she could sometimes seem disinterested or tired of me to the point of rudeness, though she did apologize on several occasions when she realized she’d hurt my feelings; I also recognized that she was stressed with her academics.

Now I was willing to accept that we would just be friends, with some inner yearnings to bond more deeply I will easily admit, but by the time I took my LOA I was a little confused: the more intimate cuddling seemed rather affectionate, and her behavior the rest of the time seemed like a “tough girl defense mode” to me, much like the persona I and most of you put on. Lastly, the last day or so before I left she seemed down, but keen to let me know that it wasn’t because I was leaving. For example she said that she was “missing friends” in her hometown the day before I left, and when I asked if the fact that I was leaving had inclined her to miss them she replied “no” quickly and harshly. On one level it would be more convenient if she just genuinely didn’t like me very often, and didn’t miss me after I left, but the fact that we had “real” conversations and affectionate cuddling seemed deeper to me than our superficial “college silliness” interactions on a day-to-day basis. I’m concerned that I’ve hurt her, and, for good or bad, this possibility bothers me. I’m certainly missing bonding with her myself.

Thoughts?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re getting involved with a young woman who is sending you mixed messages. My advice is that you find someone who is less confusing and confused to spend time with. If you continue to spend time with this woman you’re going to get more of the same. 😕 This doesn’t seem like a good situation for you. Or her.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

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