[tm86]

The guy I am “seeing” is my ex bf, we dated for 8 years, four years ago. Back in December we decided to try and see if things could work. Our past relationship was not the best and mostly because of communication issues, which led to other problems.

For the past six months of us talking we have not talked about any past issues or anything other than how is the weather. He now lives in another state, so communication is difficult. He refuses to talk on the phone, all we have been doing is texting. I have even tried asking him if we could talk on the phone on my break at work, I work 3rd shift and take my break around 9pm, I figured this way he doesn’t feel pressured or like he has to talk for an extended period of time. If I ask any questions about his feelings or what he wants from this he will disappear for days or weeks and will not respond at all to me. He knows this bothers me because during our past relationship he would do this and even when we lived together he would disappear for weeks. I get very anxious(feels like im crawling out of my skin) when he does this because I don’t know if he will ever talk to me again but mostly because I don’t know what’s going on, I get sick of guessing what he wants and if I guess wrong he seems to punish me by disappearing. I do tend to keep texting him or calling excessively when he does this. I know this behavior does not help the situation and try my best not to do this. I have expressed to him if he wants space just tell me that he needs this or doesn’t want to talk about something and I can respect that, which I have the one time he actually did this, but he thinks by this I am controlling him, to me its a compromise for both of us. Am I wrong to ask for that? I only occasionally get little tid bits, like “I don’t want to rush”. To me that means we wont put a label on it or see each other. Maybe I misunderstand what he means, but he wont elaborate on it. He also said he has a lot of hesitation but when I ask him why he disappears again.

I am so frustrated and don’t know what is going on. right now he is back to ignoring me. He went back home for his birthday this weekend and I asked if we would talk when he got back and of course he didn’t respond. When he acts this way (disappearing) he blames me for his behavior. I may not be perfect but no one deserves to be treated this way, right?
And no I do not get upset if he doesn’t automatically respond to a text, and we do go days with out texting at all with no issues. I don’t think I am being unreasonable. This behavior ahs gotten progressively worse over the last six months.

I don’t really know what to do, what this means ect.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both?

[tm86]

I am 29. He is 33.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that this is a guy you dated for 8 years, and broke up 4 years ago. Now you’re back together — only I can’t tell from your post if you’re dating, or if you’re only communicating via phone, text, and e-mail. The thing is, that if a guy stops contacting you, he’s showing you that he’s losing interest. Confronting a guy who’s disappearing is usually just a way to try and prolong contact. It rarely works in the long run. 😳 I think you already know he’s not that interested in you, but you’re trying to hold on. My advice is that you let go and find someone who doesn’t disappear, and who makes you feel like he’s really interested in you!

I’ll answer your individual questions because that may help you.

[quote]I have expressed to him if he wants space just tell me that he needs this or doesn’t want to talk about something and I can respect that, which I have the one time he actually did this, but he thinks by this I am controlling him, to me its a compromise for both of us. Am I wrong to ask for that? [/quote]

Yes. He shouldn’t have to tell you that he needs space. He’s already showing you he needs it by not contacting you. Try to accept the hint he’s giving you.

[quote]I only occasionally get little tid bits, like “I don’t want to rush”. To me that means we wont put a label on it or see each other. Maybe I misunderstand what he means, but he wont elaborate on it. He also said he has a lot of hesitation but when I ask him why he disappears again.

I am so frustrated and don’t know what is going on. right now he is back to ignoring me. He went back home for his birthday this weekend and I asked if we would talk when he got back and of course he didn’t respond. When he acts this way (disappearing) he blames me for his behavior. I may not be perfect but no one deserves to be treated this way, right? [/quote]

Well… you’re right — sort of. You are the one who should not treat yourself this way. If a guy keeps ignoring you, you shouldn’t put yourself back into his life and try to get him to change by questioning and admonishing him. You’re frustrated because what you’re doing isn’t working — so don’t keep treating yourself this way. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[tm86]

I’m really not trying to prolong it. He will text me back days after I stop. I told him if he doesn’t want to do this ne more we don’t have too. I’m OK with that. He always says he’s interested, just hesitant. Honestly the disappearing stuff bothers me more do to our past issues (he would disappear for weeks when we lived together, and I mean not come home at all) and honestly never dated or met a guy that does this. I think it’s rude to dissappear for weeks. I just could not do that to someone…maybe 24 hours but not weeks. I probably think it’s more rude do to the fact that is our only form of communication, we never talk on the phone or email ect.
No, we haven’t seen each other since we decided to try again. Right now the plan was to talk through stuff, then meet up and see where it goes from there. Which I think was a great plan considering communication was our main issue, mainly he doesn’t like it/do it at all. Hence the situation I’m in now.

So I guess, what are some good approaches to get a man to talk? That is if I decide to continue this…cause he always texts eventually everytime I think it’s done. And honestly it is strange cause he will do this to his family also. It is just all so mind blowing confusing. I’m the straight forward type, this kinda stuff just feels like a game to me.

Anyway thanks for the advice. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you dated him for 8 years, and now 4 years later are back together again — and you’re looking for ways to get this man to talk after all this time together….. you may be in denial about what’s really going on here. 😕 But…. you get to live your life however you want! 🙂 My advice would be to buy and read [b]Think & Date Like A Man[/b], [url]https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0595374662/ref=lpr_g_1/102-2178981-9624908?s=ebooks&v=glance&n=551440[/url]. It’s got a lot of basic advice about dating.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press onTwitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

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